Page 68 of Out of the Shadows

“Yes! You’re so fucking special. You’re more importantthan all the others combined.” Her eyes widened the tiniest fraction. He’d surprised her. Hell, he’d surprised himself. But everything he’d said was the truth. And he was desperate for her to believe him. “I don’t do sleepovers—haven’t done one since I moved here—and I sure as hell don’t invite anyone into my home. I want you to stay tonight. More than fucking anything. But I don’t want to hurt you. And if you stay with me—in my bed—I might. I’d rather die than hurt you.”

Silence ticked by for longer than he wanted. Her eyes searched his, and he feared what she saw.

“Your nightmares.” The two words she uttered were a statement, not a question. Shame threatened to engulf him, but he held her gaze and nodded.

Without a word, she took his hand and turned him. She gave him a gentle shove, and he climbed back into the bed. He held his breath as she rounded the bed and crawled in beside him. “We don’t have to sleep. We can just talk.”

He shifted so she was tucked against him, her head on his good shoulder. He remained silent, trying to find the right words. “I’m sorry if I hurt you earlier. I didn’t know how... or what to say.”

She kissed his pec and rested her cheek back against his chest. “You can make it up to me by talking to me. As little or as much as you want.”

He didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know where to even start. Letting out a sigh, he focused on Bean. She had one hand resting on his chest, and her fingers moved soothingly back and forth along his skin. Her touch calmed him, settled his racing heart. He took a deep breath in and let her floral scent wash over him. If he couldn’t be honest with her, then what was the point? This woman had been one of his closest friends for years and meant so damn much.

“You know I have nightmares. I’ve gotten a pretty goodhandle on them over the years, but the McClintock kidnapping stirred up a bunch of shit.”

“Like I said, Gavin, you can tell me as little or as much as you want. You’ll get no judgement from me.”

“I know, honey.” He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and sighed. “My last mission as a Delta involved this piece of shit HVT—high-value target. The guy was the head of a trafficking ring. Specialized in kids. The kicker was his base of operations was in an orphanage.” His mind drifted to the afternoon they’d arrived at the village. He could still feel the sting of the insect bites and the humidity of the jungle suffocating him.

“Our team took up positions around the orphanage and the plan was to go in at zero three hundred. Take out the HVT, confirm the kill, and be done. When evening fell, a van arrived. Fifteen men got out, and the HVT was there to greet them. The kids...” His chest squeezed, and his throat grew thick. “We could hear the sounds of those guys fucking them, torturing them. Could see what the fuck some of them were doing through the windows. We could hear the kids crying.” Their screams and terrified whimpers echoed in his brain. “But we were ordered to stand down. To wait. To not do jack shit to help them.”

Wetness dropped onto his chest, and Bean sniffed. He tightened his arms around her, and he swallowed past the rock in his throat.

“We followed orders and waited until the van of men left. Waited until zero three fucking hundred hours. Then we went in. Took out the HVT and his associates, confirmed the kill, and left.” He shook his head. “We left the kids. Some were dead. The ones that were still alive were in rough shape. But we had to leave them all.”

He stared at the ceiling, his chest painfully tight. Tears slid down the sides of his face, and disgust coursed throughhim. “We were lucky that we didn’t lose anyone on our team, but that mission fucked with a lot of our heads. I got out after that. So did Xander and Wilson and a couple others.”

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that, Gavin,” Bean whispered, squeezing him tightly. “I’m sorry the people in command were such heartless assholes.”

The anger in her voice eased some of the pain in his heart. “Me too.”

“That’s why you started Hudson Security, isn’t it?”

He nodded. “I still wanted to make a difference, wanted to help people. But I was done with the bureaucratic bullshit.”

She remained silent for a few heartbeats. “I’m proud of you. Hudson Security matters. You’ve given us all an opportunity to make a difference.”

God, this woman . . .

“I guess that was a long way of explaining that I have sleep issues. When I got out, I was plagued with nightmares. For years. I went to therapy, and that helped. But...”

“But?” Bean prodded when he’d stayed silent.

“The last time I attempted to stay the night with anyone was right around when I started Hudson Security. I was over on Whidbey Island and picked up a woman at a bar. Chelsea. I’d just gotten out, and she was Navy, so we commiserated over our time in the service. One thing led to another and we ended up back at her place. It was totally casual. Then I woke up in the middle of the night and didn’t know where I was.”

Shame swirled in his gut like a hot rock, and his pulse picked up speed. “I’m not sure what exactly happened. One moment, I thought I was still in that orphanage, and the next moment, I was straddling Chelsea, pinning her down with my hands around her throat.”

It had taken him precious seconds for him to realize the woman under him wasn’t a piece-of-shit sex trafficker. But it was too late. Chelsea’s terror had gutted him.

“I couldn’t apologize enough. I was a fucking wreck.” He continued to stare at the ceiling, petrified to look at Bean, scared to see what she thought of him. “For some unknown reason, Chelsea forgave me. Not sure why. But I went into therapy after that. I was so fucking broken.”

“You’ve never slept in bed with anyone since?”

Bean’s words were soft and lacked censure. Holding his breath, he risked a peek at her. She wasn’t looking at him, so he only saw the top of her head. “No. I’ve never wanted to. Until you. But... I don’t trust myself.”

She glanced up at him, and there was something in her expression, something he couldn’t describe, something he couldn’t look away from.

“I said it before and I’ll say it again, Gavin Frazier. I’m proud of you.”

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