Page 137 of If You Love Me

“It’s always a busy time of year.” I’m too tired of fighting for his attention to bite my tongue anymore. “You know what?Don’t bother. You’ll just work the entire time and leave early, like always.”

“That’s not fair. You know how important my job is.”

“More important than me, every single time,” I fire back. Apparently, I’m in full confrontation mode. And as much as I might love my job with the Terror, I won’t put it in front of the people I love. I won’t do that to the people I care about the most, because I’ve had it done to me my entire life.

“That’s not true.”

“Isn’t it? I’ve been put on leave, and I gotmarried, to one of the players no less, and not once have you suggested coming to see me, or even formally meeting Roman. I’m parenting my sisters, my life is in upheaval, and you’re calling me while you’re writing an email, or a report, or who the fuck knows what. Like a phone call to your daughter is something to tick off on a list.”

“Lexi, it isn’t?—”

“It’s not what, Dad? It’s not true either? Tell me there isn’t a paper list sitting beside you with my name andphone callat the bottom of it.”

He sighs.

“God, it sucks that I’m right.” Here I am getting upset with Roman for overdoing it in the taking-care-of-me department, and now I’m upset with my dad for never making me a priority. I’m a hot mess of conflicting emotions. But it all makes sense. It’s rooted in my fear of losing my independence, my desire to have a partner who sees me as their equal, who I would give it all up for, because Roman would do the same for me. I want the kind of love that’s worth fighting for. I want to be worth fighting for. And with Roman, I am.

“I’m not a good father,” Dad says.

“That’s—”

“Let me finish. I know I haven’t done a great job being your dad, Lexi. And I know your relationship with your mom was strained because of me. I tried to give you space because I didn’t want to come between you. Or that’s what I rationalized. But itdoesn’t excuse my lack of presence in your life. And I’m sorry for that. Emotionally, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to give you what you need, what you deserve. And you deserve a dad who can drop everything and be there for you. But if I did come to see you, all I’d be doing is setting us both up for disappointment. I’m good at being a lawyer. I’m good at solving legal problems that involve logic. But I’m not good at emotional support. And I’m so sorry for that.”

“I’m sorry, too.” It’s not what I want to hear, but at least it’s the truth and not lip service.

“I wish I was better at being a parent. I know it’s a shortcoming.”

“I love you anyway, Dad.” And I do, even though sometimes it hurts.

“I love you, too, honey. More than I’m capable of expressing most of the time. I’ll come for a visit. Maybe I can time it so I can be there for your first game back with the team. If you want me there?”

The girl in me who forever wants her dad’s approval rejoices. The rest of me realizes I should probably make a therapist appointment so I can find a healthy way to deal with these feelings. “That would be good.”

“And I can get to know your husband a little better.”

“We’d like that.” The tears start to well, so I clear my throat. “I should check on Callie. Make sure she’s doing okay.”

“Okay. We’ll talk soon.”

“Sounds good.”

I end the call and look at the ceiling, willing the tears to stay put. But they fall anyway. I open my bedroom door as Roman steps out of Callie’s room. He’s changed into a plain white shirt and plaid pajama pants. He puts his finger to his lips and slips back into my bedroom.

He takes one look at my face and gathers me in his arms. “You okay?”

“Nope. But I will be.” I loop my arms around his neck.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not right now.”

“What can I do?” He strokes my cheek. “Tell me what you need.”

“Just you.”

CHAPTER 42

ROMAN

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