Page 56 of If You Love Me

Are you sure you want to share it?

Dred

With you and the girls? Absolutely.

I already feel better. The girls love Dred, and she’s become a good friend here in Toronto.

New messages pop up from Roman as I roll out of bed.

Roman

Merry Christmas. *holiday GIF*

If you and the girls need anything at all today, even if it’s takeout, just message. I’m here. I know how hard today is.

I desperately want to invite him over. If he was here it would fill one of the gaping holes in my chest, but it will only make things more difficult. We haven’t been in a room alone since the holiday party, and the idea of being in his arms again has been all-consuming. The end of the season is impossibly far away.

Lexi

Merry Christmas to you, too. Thank you for the offer. I’m hoping hot chocolate, croissants, and cookies for breakfast will win me some points.

I throw on a robe so I can put on a pot of coffee. I’ve just gotten started when Callie shows up in tears again.

“What happened?” I crouch so we’re at eye level.

“I tried to wake Fee up, and she told me to stop being annoying and go away.” She uses her sleeve to wipe her runny nose. “And then she said Christmas was canceled. Is that true?”

“Christmas isn’t canceled.” I grab a tissue from the counter and pull her into a hug. “Fee’s just grumpy. She probably stayed up too late watching movies. I’ll talk to her.” I pile several cookies and croissants on a plate and fill Callie’s mug with hot chocolate and marshmallows before I seat her at the table. “I’ll be right back.”

“Okay.”

I kiss her on top of the head and leave her to eat sweets while I handle Fee. Dealing with hormonal, testosterone-fueled hockey players is easier than a sad teenager.

I channel the little holiday joy I have left and knock on her door.

“I’m sleeping,” she gripes.

“I’m coming in anyway.” I open her door in time to watchher bury her head under her pillow. Undeterred, I sit on the edge of her bed. Coming in hot won’t help. “I know today is hard.”

She tosses her pillow aside and rolls over to glare at me, but her eyes are red-rimmed and puffy, like she’s been crying for some time. “Christmas is supposed to be about family. Everyone I know is celebrating with theirs, and I just… I miss Mom and Dad so much. Mom used to take care of everything, and I didn’t even realize it. I thought this year was going to be fun, but there’s so much responsibility, and sometimes it’s exhausting.”

Pain makes my chest tight. I know that feeling all too well. All my failures are piling up, crushing me under their weight. I’m not doing a good enough job. My mom and my stepdad were both only children, and my grandparents are back in Niagara, so they can’t be much help. Their old next-door neighbor, Donna a.k.a. Aunt Donna, is a nice woman, but she has grandchildren of her own and can’t hold my hand. But what if I fuck up the girls beyond repair?

My own chin wobbles, because the weight of it all is crushing me. “I know, Fee. I’m so sorry. I wish I could ask what to do and how to do it better, because most of the time I have no idea. But Callie is out there crying because you told her to go away and Christmas was canceled.”

“There’s nothing to celebrate,” she whispers, caught up in the emotion of it all.

I wish I could fix it, but I can’t. “I know all you want is to be sad. But you can’t decide for all of us if something is worth celebrating or not. You knew saying that would be hurtful to your sister, especially today. We are a family and we are still here. Missing Mom and your dad makes your heart feel like a giant skinned knee. There’s a hole here.” I tap over my heart. “And we miss them. But they loved you.” I take in a deep breath, struggling to keep it together as tears track down her cheeks., wishing there was someone to hold me while I fall apart too.

“They loved you too, you know?” Fee links her fingers with mine.

My heart is a battered soda can. Knowing that’s true and having felt it fully when they were alive is so different. With another deep exhale, I continue, “They loved us. We are alive and here, and we’re going to be the kindest version of ourselves today that we can muster. We’re going to be gentle with each other, which includes a little girl who doesn’t understand that some days you just need to hide under the blankets and be really fucking sad. I love you, Fee. We’ve done a lot to survive, and I would say it is going to get easier and maybe it will, but mostly this is life now. There’s no going back. But you can decide how you want to love the family you do have.” I pass her a tissue and she dabs her tears away.

“I’m sorry I told Callie Christmas was canceled.”

“I know. Just come out and do Christmas morning. If you need time after that, I’ll totally understand.”

She sighs. “Okay. Give me fifteen minutes.”

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