Page 94 of If You Love Me

He rubs his chin. “We all fuck up, Forrester. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I know Vander Zee’s approval is important to you like it is to all of us, but the world isn’t going to end over one mistake. Learn from it and move on, okay? Chin up. You got this.”

I nod. “Thank you. I’m still sorry. I won’t make the same mistake again.”

“I know you won’t. Go get your head on straight and be ready for game time.”

I leave his office and head down the hall to my own.

Despite Boxer’s kind words, being chewed out by my boss and mentor puts me in a bad headspace. I should have double checked and not made assumptions. That paired with the conversation with Donnie has me on edge. And it feels like a punishment when I get to watch the game from the box instead of behind the bench. By the third period, we’re down two goals and Ryker is in net. They start out strong and close the lead by one goal, but it all goes sideways and Ryker misreads a shot on net, giving Philly back the two goal lead.

Vander Zee puts Roman back in net, but the damage is done, and the Terror can’t recover. We lose the game, and I feel responsible. I overtaxed our goalies and best defensive players and lost us the game. Vander Zee is in a particularly somber mood during the post-game team talk. I keep my mouth shut.

“Lesson learned, I guess,” Thomas mutters, wearing the same black cloud as Vander Zee.

“It’ll be all right,” Boxer assures me.

“I’m still sorry.” He might feel some kind of responsibility for this, but I’m the reason we lost this game.

Roman tries to make eye contact. He doesn’t look particularly happy about the loss either, but his brow is furrowed in concern. I don’t want to draw more attention to myself, so I stay focused on my clipboard while Vander Zee talks about being game ready and in the right physical and mental state for the game.

Hemi and the girls invite me to the Watering Hole, but I’m barely holding it together, so I decline the offer. I need to get home so I can have a little emotional breakdown. And Dred is with the girls, she came over to help Fee with an essay. I’ve told her she doesn’t need to stay until I get home, but she often does anyway.

I drive home on auto pilot and manage to get the car parked before I lose it. My phone keeps buzzing with new messages.

The Babe chat is full of sympathy messages over the game and virtual hugs that the next one will be better.

Dred sent a picture of a gorgeous bouquet of flowers and a wrapped gift followed by the message:

Dred

Your secret admirer has great taste in flowers.

No card but pretty sure I can guess who they’re from.

That just makes the tears fall harder. I need to get my shit together. Fee can’t see me like this post a bad game. But I’m spiraling, and there’s only one person I want, and I can’t have him.

Roman has sent me a slew of messages:

Roman

Talked to Boxer, this isn’t on you.

Hemi said you went home, please message when you see this.

It’s been half an hour. I’m worried.

Instead of sending him a message, I call.

“I’m so sorry,” I croak. For not being strong enough to sort out my own shit, for compromising the game, for needing him. “I hardly deserve flowers after tonight.”

“Those were for playing armchair coach with Ryker earlier. But Lexi, angel, this is not your fault,” he says gently.

“I’m the one who put you on the ice too close to game time, so it is most definitely on me.” I hiccup and dash away the tears.

“I’m coming over,” he states.

“You can’t. Dred is here and Fee will ask questions and I can’t be trusted with you right now,” I admit. “I won’t want you to leave, and that is definitely not something I can explain to Fee or Callie. I fucked up so hard today, Roman. What if I can’t do this? What if I’m not cut out for this job?”

“You are absolutely cut out for this job. This is not our first loss and it won’t be the last. You’re building rapport with Grace and Ryker. They’re seasoned players who will be there next year, and that’s bigger than one game. Vander Zee is upset about not being in the loop, and that’s on all of us who have been doing this job far longer than you and didn’t ask the right questions.”

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