Chapter 6
“Wanna talk about it?” AJ asked, as he watched Jeremy pull a bottle of maple syrup out of his backpack and drizzle it over his pancakes. The shower had washed away some of the previous evening’s ‘ugh’ feeling and the painkillers had kicked in to help with the throbbing behind his eyeballs. While he could have done without the loud clattering of dishes and the bustling of noisy people, he was starting to feel more human and much less like death warmed up.
“Will you force me if I say no?”
“What the hell kind of damage do you have, man? No. I won’t force you to talk to me, Jer. It’s not a condition of us being roommates. I care about people; I care about you, don’t ask me why. I get stupidly attached to people pretty quickly and I know it’s weird and awkward but I don’t care. I’m here, I have ears and I’m ready to listen when you are ready to talk.” He stabbed at his eggs with a fork and chewed in silence for a few awkward moments.
AJ’s honesty and vulnerability were refreshing. He wasn’t used to people being quite so open about their feelings. In many ways he reminded Jeremy of Blake, it was easy to see why the men got along so easily.
“Sorry,” Jeremy muttered, gruffly. “I’m a little defensive I guess.”
“You think?” AJ guffawed. “Look, I dunno what broke you, and you may never be ready to share and that’s ok. But we live together now, so we have time. What if I share some shit? Would that make you feel less, I dunno, murderous?”
Jeremy shoved a forkful of pancakes into his mouth and chewed slowly.
“What?”
“Nothing.” He knew he didn’t sound convincing, but AJ let it slide. “What do you want to share?”
“When I was a kid, I wanted to be a rock star when I grew up and clearly, I am not a rock star.”
Jeremy snorted as the waitress brought them a fresh pot of coffee and offered refills. AJ requested a refill on his juice while Jeremy enthusiastically accepted the cup of steaming java and practically hugged it before taking a tentative sip, eager to get his caffeine hit, but not wanting to burn his tongue.
“That’s some real deep shit and tormenting shit right there, man.”
AJ grinned and gulped down his orange juice, before answering. “Right? It’s why I’m with a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I just can’t handle the fact I’m such an epic failure and didn’t reach my dreams!”
“Double whammy of docs, man. That’s hardcore.”
“Bipolar Disorder,” he replied, picking up the last piece of bacon on his plate and popping it in his mouth.
Jeremy cocked his head to the side and pursed his lips while his eyebrows pulled into a frown.
What the fuck is Bipolar Disorder? Aw shit. Am I living with a crackpot? Am I gonna have to actually go find a new place to live? Mother fu—
“Ha! I see that panic in those eyes, man. Don’t freak out. I’m not a psychopath or anything. I mean, at least not a dangerous one. Basically, I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. There are three main chemicals that control the brain’s functions: serotonin, dopamine and noradrenaline. If one or more of these are messed up, it can cause bipolar disorder.”
He paused as the server brought his tea and he poured the boiling water over the tea bag, wrapping the string around the handle of his cup. Taking a sip, he cringed.
“Drink tea, they say, it’s good for you, they say. Tastes like shit, I say! Bipolar disorder is characterized by extreme mood swings. The highs, mania, the lows, depression and episodes can last for days, weeks or months.”
He lifted his gaze to Jeremy, and in that moment Jeremy’s breath stopped in his chest. This man was more vulnerable with him than Jeremy had ever remembered being with anyone. He could see the pain and fear of judgement in his eyes but also a glimmer of hope, likely hope that Jeremy wouldn’t think he was a freak and run for the hills. Jeremy swallowed the hard lump in his throat. “What are the symptoms?”
Probably should know what I need to watch out for around the apartment if we remain roomies.
“For the depression side, it’s pretty stereotypical to be honest. Lack of energy, I will often feel sad and worthless, irritable, even. I’ll have difficulty focussing on things and struggle to remember stuff. Some days I won’t want to eat. I’ll either struggle to sleep or sleep all the time. I’ll second guess myself to the worst degree… basically, Debbie Downer, and then some.”
“Sounds rough,” Jeremy offered, sympathetically.
AJ nodded, sadly. “On the flipside, if I’m in a manic swing, energy levels are often off the charts. I feel great, I’ll talk fast, I’ll move fast, I’m impatient and feel invincible. I still won’t sleep right, 'cause I’m too busy for sleep. I still won’t eat right 'cause it’s a waste of time and I have three thousand more important things to do. I get careless and irrational with things, so I’ll make decisions that aren’t really like me, or I’ll drop a ton of money I don’t have, on things I don’t need.”
“Is there no in-between?” Jeremy wanted to tread carefully so as not to upset AJ and cause him to clam up. Jeremy was genuinely interested in the condition, but part of him was also wary and concerned that this guy he was sitting across from might be unhinged. He needed to understand what he was getting involved in before he committed to living with this man, who was still practically a stranger.
“Meds help regulate the chemicals and keep me ‘normal’. The patterns aren’t always the same. You can rapid cycle, which is basically swinging repeatedly from a high to low phase without having a ‘normal’ period of time in the middle. Or you can have a mixed state, where you can technically have both depression and mania together – so you’ll be like, buzzing around with energy and doing a bunch of shit, but you’ll be depressed and suicidal. And the best bit is that sometimes I’ll have no fucking clue I’m in a swing.”
“Fuck. This sounds awful, man. I’m sorry.” Jeremy took a sip of his forgotten about coffee.
AJ met his gaze again, and Jeremy hoped his new friend didn’t see fear or hesitation any more. He hoped he felt better from having shared part of his history and was glad that AJ decided to share.