Page 26 of Four Letter Feelings

“Right. Well I’m sorry to say that it won’t work Jeremy. Hiding behind your friend doesn’t solve the issues. We have to address our concerns and face them head-on as a family before we can make any progress.”

Jeremy watched AJ awkwardly out of the corner of his eye. He knew AJ was probably once again considering a hotel room for the weekend and Jeremy felt bad for not fully preparing AJ for what was in store for him up north of the border. At the same time, however, he felt as though his dad was being a little ‘extra’.

Why do you always have to be such a confrontational prick right from the get go, Dad? Couldn’t we work up to this level of animosity like normal families? Starting at the top kinda means we have nowhere to go with all this pent-up aggression. Seems like we’re in a never-ending loop of arguing and frayed patience. It’s exhausting! I just don’t have the energy. Surely we can figure this out? We’re grown-fucking-men after all!

“Leave the boy alone, Tom,” Laurel scolded. “Boys, go drop your stuff upstairs and come back down for pancakes. Family stuff can wait until later and AJ, don’t you dare book a hotel room, I’d take it as a personal slight, you hear me?”

“Yes, Mrs. Lewis.”

“And for the love of all that’s holy could you please stop calling me Mrs. Lewis? It’s Laurel, ok?”

“Yes ma’am— eh, I mean, Laurel.”

“Good. Now move it, you two. I’m sure you’re both hungry!”

***

“You were right, Dad. I’m sorry,” Jeremy began as he poured maple syrup over his pancakes and sliced a bite off the edge.

He sucked in a breath.

His stomach growled as the smell of his dad’s pancakes was driving him crazy and making him salivate.

He felt his mother tense as she sat next to him at the dining room table and instantly wondered whether he’d said the right thing. He didn’t want to cause another world war, by any means, but he figured that perhaps admitting his part in the wrongdoing and trying to calmly address the situation upfront instead of their usual head-butting, arguing and passive aggression might be worth a try.

Time to put your big boy pants on, Jer.

“I dragged AJ up here as my buffer. I didn’t want us to fight. I wanted us to have some nice time together and I figured if there was a visitor in the house, we couldn’t dissolve into you telling me what an utter disappointment I am and Mom wouldn’t get stuck in the middle of our arguments. I just wanted a nice Thanksgiving for all of us. Not to mention I also really did kinda just want you guys to meet AJ.” He gestured across the table with his empty fork before stabbing at a piece of bacon on his plate. “He’s a good guy, we work well together as roommates and I talk to you guys about him all the time. Yes, I should have told you before now that he was coming, but I knew you wouldn’t mind, not really, since you say there’s always room at our table and I didn’t want you to talk me out of bringing him up here right now in favor of another time. And AJ,” he addressed his friend. “I’m sorry, man. That was totally uncool of me. I should have given you all the information and left you to make up your own mind on the situation. I didn’t because I’m chicken shit and I wanted you to meet my folks and I didn’t think you’d come if I told you what was waiting for me when I got here.”

A heavy silence fell over the table as everyone continued to eat their pancakes engulfed in awkwardness. He felt better for having spoken, though, and proud of himself for having kept his cool and not raised his voice. He was also proud of his father for not interjecting, or cutting him off. For once, he’d let him say his piece without butting in or being dismissive. Perhaps this was some kind of real progress.

After what felt like an age, Tom spoke.

“You’re not a disappointment, Jeremy. I am disappointed. That’s not the same thing. Not by a long shot. Both your mother and I are very proud of you.”

Jeremy jerked his head up from staring at what was left of his breakfast.

“Yes, Jer. That’s right, and I’ll repeat myself for good measure, in case you didn’t hear it. We are both very proud of you. I may not be thrilled with the direction you’ve chosen to take your life, but in your absence, I’ve come to accept that it’s your life, not mine. You’ve made a plan, started to put it into motion and stuck with it even though it hasn’t been easy. You’re following your dreams, your heart and you didn’t let me, or anyone else, dissuade you from your path – resilience, determination, focus – those are all things to be proud of, and we are very proud. But even if we weren’t proud, that doesn’t matter. You should be proud of yourself. If you’re happy, that’s ultimately all that matters and you seem happy, so we’re happy.”

Jeremy’s mouth was wide open with shock.

“Jeremy, you’re catching flies over there. Finish your lunch and let’s put all this bad air behind us please, okay?” His mother was gazing at her husband lovingly. She was obviously relieved that he had come to this conclusion during the time that Jeremy was away and her voice was hopeful. Jeremy wasn’t quite sure what personality transplant his father had undergone, but he was happy to leave it behind them, if his dad was happy to leave him the hell alone to make his own life decisions without judgement and criticism.

“Absolutely,” Jeremy stuttered. “Thanks Dad, I appreciate it. I’m sorry for being a jerk before I left for Europe, too.”

With a nod, Tom got up from the table and put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher. “Did you get enough to eat, AJ?” he asked politely as though the entire heavy conversation hadn’t just transpired.

“Sure, thanks. It was delicious.”

“I’ve missed your pancakes!”

“Served with locally made maple syrup and a healthy dose of family angst and drama. Sorry about that, AJ. We really are glad to meet you, though.”

“Yes, we are! Jeremy really does talk about you all the time,” Laurel added sounding almost hopeful.

Jeremy groaned. “Guys, I’m not gay. AJ isn’t my boyfriend. You make it sound like I have some weird secret crush on him. I don’t. We’re just friends and I just wanted you guys to meet him.”

“Wow, Jer. Way to make it awkward,” chuckled AJ. “He’s meeting my family next month for our Thanksgiving, I kinda think he felt obliged to return the favor. My sister already pokes fun at our ‘bromance’ as she calls it. These really are great pancakes, Mr. Lewis.”

“Tom, please, and thank you. They’re third generation pancakes, my grandma used to make them for us when we were kids. It’s the one thing I’ve always known can bring Jeremy home – I may have used them as bribery when he refused to come in off the ice some evenings when he was little.”

“Much to my displeasure!”

Laurel laughed as she stood up from the table and picked up AJ’s plate. “Some nights I’d have slogged over a hot stove for ages making the perfect meal for the family, and he comes and undermines it all with pancakes just to make sure that one,” she gestured at Jeremy with her chin, “didn’t get frostbite!”

AJ chuckled. “No, no. You sit down Mrs.— eh, Laurel. I got this and thanks so much again for brunch, Tom, it really was delicious.”

Laurel gave Jeremy a ‘why aren’t you this polite?’ type look behind AJ’s back as he stacked the dirty plates in the dishwasher. Tom started talking hockey with AJ, while his mom fussed over the fact he needed a haircut and looked like he’d lost weight.

It’s good to be home, he thought, as he breathed a sigh of relief. He’d been so full of dread over spending time with his dad that he hadn’t given any real thought to how much he loved his parents and enjoyed spending time with them. He was suddenly excited about the days ahead. Aside from his ‘in passing’ visit, he hadn’t spent any real time with them in over a year. While he’d Skyped and sent strained emails full of justification for why he hadn’t given up and gone home to study medicine, the feeling of dread about things with his dad was overshadowing everything. He felt better already, more hopeful and positive that they could resurrect their relationship and move forward together. He felt lighter. As he picked up his glass of orange juice to take a sip, his mom asked, “So, if AJ isn’t your boyfriend, are you seeing anyone, Jeremy?”

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