Page 37 of Four Letter Feelings

Chapter 14

It didn’t take long for Jeremy to find his brother, Scott’s profile on Facebook, and the ease with which he’d found out about his entire life made Jeremy glad that his own online presence was minimal. He’d learned that Scott had married a woman called Jane and they lived in New York City with their dogs, Hugo and Iesha. He learned that Scott was the manager of a local electronics store and Jane was an elementary school teacher.

As Jeremy walked through the streets of New York on his way to his brother’s work, he felt sick. He was having second thoughts about this spur-of-the-moment trip across country and as he stood on the sidewalk outside the store, he wondered what the hell he was doing there. Scott had made himself incredibly clear when he left that he didn’t want anything more to do with them and yet, here Jeremy stood, staring at the shop front, with a tiny flame of hope in his belly.

He had no idea what possessed him to hop on a flight and travel across the country, but he had. He’d convinced himself that with Christmas quickly approaching maybe the season of good will and forgiveness would tug at Scott’s heart strings, and it was always harder to say no to someone face to face than it is over a text or email. The door opened and a customer maneuvered his way through holding a large box. Jeremy jumped forward to hold the door and after the giant tv screen had cleared the way, he forced himself to step inside, hearing the door close behind him with a soft thud.

The store wasn’t particularly big, or busy, and he immediately recognized Scott standing behind the counter helping a customer with a phone.

Holy shit, he looks exactly the same! Older, obviously, but he hasn’t changed much at all. Shit. I was not prepared for this. His stomach felt like it had tied itself into a knot.

“I’ll be with you in a second,” he called, not looking up from the problem in his hands.

Jeremy shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked on the balls of his feet, his stomach churned and his breathing felt shallow and uncooperative. Right when he made the decision to turn and walk back outside into the fresh air and away from the situation brewing in front of him, the people his brother had been helping walked past him and left, leaving Jeremy face to face with his brother.

“How can I help y—” his voice stalled as he walked towards Jeremy behind the counter, recognition clouding his face. “J-J-Jeremy?” he spluttered, his face displaying a myriad of emotions but Jeremy was unable to label any of them. Despite the obvious physical similarities, the man in front of him was a stranger.

The stranger’s eyebrows pulled together into a deep frown. “What are you doing here?” he asked cautiously.

“I— eh…” Jeremy looked down at his feet, willing the oxygen in the room into his lungs and feeling like he might pass out at any moment. He closed his eyes for a moment, resisting the urge to launch himself across the counter and pull his big brother into a hug. “I came to see you,” he said, quietly. “To talk, I guess.” He lifted his gaze and met the expectant eyes of the brother who had abandoned him all those years ago. “To see if you were ready to maybe come home yet?” he added hopefully.

Scott sighed and his shoulders dropped. “Jer,” he started, running his hand through his wavy hair just like Jeremy often did. “I won’t ever be ready to go home. That’s not my home anymore and,” he paused and swallowed. “Those people aren’t my family anymore.”

“They could be,” Jeremy interrupted, taking a step forward.

Scott held his hands up and shook his head. “Jer, I’m sorry. I don’t know what brought you down across the border and honestly, I don’t care. I have a life now, here, in New York and I have no intention to make peace with Dad. You don’t know what it was like for me, living there, how he was…”

Fuck, that’s harsh. I didn’t do squat to you. You’re my big brother, man. Why don’t you even want to see me? What did I do?

His breath hitched and his voice was thick with emotion.

“You wasted your time, Jer. I don’t want to see them again. I made myself clear when I left and I’m not going to dredge up the past and go through it all over again.”

He watched as his brother took a deep breath. His voice was steady and he seemed calm. Gone was the anger Jeremy had remembered seeping from his every word the last time they’d been together. Gone were the shaky, passionate blasts his brother had spewed at his parents. Instead, calm resignation and acceptance, and while Jeremy could hear emotion in his voice, it was controlled.

“What about me?” He knew he sounded desperate, maybe even pathetic, small and certainly childlike. Growing up, his brother had been his hero and then one day he was gone.

“I’m sorry, Jeremy.”

Jeremy swallowed down the lump in his throat.

“I can’t go back. I can’t look back. I don’t want to.”

“I don’t understand, Scott!” Jeremy huffed in frustration, pulling his hands from his pockets and thumping the counter in front of him with both fists clenched. “What the fuck is your deal? Were we that bad of a family? Huh?”

He could feel anger rising in his chest and his hands started to shake. He didn’t understand how someone could just walk away and leave their family without looking back and he desperately wanted to understand.

The door opened as his hands connected with the counter, he glanced over his shoulder to see who had come into the store and shoved his hands back into his pockets.

“I’m sorry Jeremy, I don’t want to see you. You should go.”

The cool, dismissive tone with which Scott brushed him off, cut deeply. Even if he could understand what their parents had done to upset Scott to push him to total estrangement, Jeremy couldn’t understand why Scott would want him out of his life, too. Confusion and anger filled his mind as he stormed out onto the sidewalk and doubled over, hands on his knees to try and encourage his lungs to fill up with air.

I shouldn’t have come here. I knew he wouldn’t want to see me and I came anyway. What the fuck was I hoping to achieve? Did I think he’d magically change his mind when he saw me?

He sucked air in sharply through his nose, and blew out through his mouth, repeating the action until he felt less like he was going to fall over and steadier on his feet. As he stumbled his way back to his hotel, with shaking hands he changed his flight, opting not to stay one minute more than he had to in New York. He berated himself for thinking he could have any positive effect on his brother’s monumental stubbornness. He cried as he meandered through the streets, finally mourning the loss of a brother he rarely let himself admit he missed dearly. The hope he’d clung to as he deplaned in Newark airport was gone, it had been replaced by embarrassment and shame at the neediness which had driven him to talk to Scott.

But I guess at least now I know.

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