Page 4 of Four Letter Feelings

Chapter 2

Jeremy had already been for a run by the time he got to the rink for his first practice of the season. He loved to exercise; it cleared his mind. His mom, Laurel, constantly reminisced that he could skate before he could even walk. She liked to tell him that he was such a lazy toddler and always wanted the world brought right to his feet. His parents were only too happy to comply. Despite easily falling pregnant with his older brother, they struggled for years to have a second child, so, when their little miracle baby, Jeremy, wanted something, he got it – no question. As such, he was behind the curve on almost all ‘The Milestones’, until they stuck a pair of skates on his feet and took him out to the lake near his childhood home when he was about two years old.

Laurel regaled him with tales of how, from the very moment he stepped onto the ice, she knew he was destined to be a great hockey player. She’d smile when she told him of the tantrums he used to throw when it was time to come inside, or when it was too cold outside to go skating. Winter was his favorite season, he loved when the lake froze over and the hockey schedule started. He was only allowed outside when he’d finished his homework, as they knew he’d skate for hours on end, only stopping when his parents insisted he came inside to eat dinner.

Since the Leafs’ game at Wings with AJ a couple nights prior, Jeremy had been lost down memory lane and he felt the weight of how he’d left things with his parents more heavily than usual. As he stood outside the rink staring at the door, he noticed an unfamiliar flutter of nervousness and anxiety in the pit of his stomach. Generally speaking, he was a confident man. He knew who he was, he knew his strengths, his weaknesses and he knew what he wanted from life – or at least he thought he did.

With his parents around to support and reassure him it was easy to be sure of what he wanted. Things had become murkier since he’d fought with his dad about his future. Jeremy had deferred his college acceptance by a year – basically to spite him – and to go galivanting around the world to ‘find himself’. He had a layover in Toronto on his way to Alabama from Germany which was why he was late for the semester starting. He wanted to see his parents, albeit briefly, and to reassure them he was happy with his choice to go to Alabama to pursue his hockey and to do the degree he wanted to. His mother had been ecstatic to see him, and his father, though clearly still disappointed that his son wouldn’t become a high-flying doctor like he was, seemed resigned to his son’s choices. Jeremy knew there was still work to be done to repair their relationships, especially with his father, but he was happy that he’d been able to take the first step. In this moment, however, everything he thought he was completely sure of, everything he’d been sure of for almost his entire life, was suddenly laced with doubt and uncertainty.

“It doesn’t open by telekinesis.”

A voice startled him out of his thoughts, and as he spun to face AJ, he accidently caught him with his kitbag and sticks.

“Oof!” He grabbed his side. “Sorry, man. Didn’t mean to startle you, but you actually have to pull the door for it to open, y’know? Staring at it isn’t gonna make it happen.”

AJ grinned at him, pulled his aviators off his face and tucked them into the neck of his t-shirt. Concern flickered across his face.

“Hey, Jer, you ok dude? You look pretty green 'round the gills.”

“I— uh.” Jeremy paused and took his own shades off before considering his answer.

Don’t be a pussy, Jer. You gotta man up right now and fight down this anxiety shit. He’ll laugh at you if he knows you’re nervous.

“Ah.” AJ nodded sympathetically. “Nervous, eh? That’s cool. I nearly pissed my pants when I got here on Monday morning. I mean, I’m still nervous, but it’s a little easier the second time 'round.”

Jeremy looked at him, surprised that he was being so forthcoming with his feelings to someone who was essentially a stranger to him.

“What?” AJ asked with a puzzled look. “Oh.” He chuckled. “I get it. You expected me to be all butch, and manly and shit, pretending like coming to college for the first time and playing college hockey isn’t at all terrifying? Sorry man, if that’s the case you’ll need to find a new friend. I am all up in my feels. Too much, some would even say, and I’ll be damned if I pretend like being out on my own with the parental safety net across the country isn’t even a little scary. Us men feel shit too, y'know?” He grinned again and gave Jeremy a playful shove causing him to release a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.

Laughing nervously, he felt color rising in his cheeks. “Thanks, man.” He fervently willed his embarrassment to leave. “I know I just travelled Europe for a year by myself, but… yeah, I’m nervous. I don’t like saying it out loud, you know what it’s like…” His voice trailed off and he wasn’t even sure how to finish his own sentence.

“All that toxic masculinity shit? Yeah. How us men are supposed to think, feel and act? I know all about that shit, it almost landed me in a mental hospital. My shrink tells me it’s all bullshit and I need to give zero fucks about how society says I should live my life. Felt kinda freeing when I stopped caring about what everyone else thought and focused more on what I thought.”

Jeremy wasn’t sure if his jaw physically dropped open or not, but he was definitely stunned by this man’s open admission to having a shrink.

I don’t even know this dude’s last name and I know he has a shrink. We’re definitely not in Kansas anymore, Toto.

AJ chuckled again. “Yeah, I’m a compulsive over-sharer too. It’s weird, right? I know it’s weird. But hey, if anyone gives you shit for being nervous tell 'em to come see me and I’ll put 'em straight; I am the muscle after all, remember?” He threw Jeremy an exaggerated wink and Jeremy couldn’t help but smile. He was already feeling better at having met what was turning out to be a non-conforming teammate who really didn’t fall under the category of ‘typical jock’. It was refreshing. Even when he played rec league hockey on his travels in Europe, he’d felt a somewhat toxic atmosphere both in the locker room and on the ice. He’d never really subscribed to the stereotype that men couldn’t feel, but he was always careful about who he showed that particular ‘side’ to.

I need to be more like this guy and give fewer shits about my reputation.

“You wanna take a minute?” AJ still seemed concerned, and Jeremy welcomed his new friend’s patience and understanding as his stomach churned.

It’s all good, Lewis. You know you’re meant to be here; you earned your place just like everyone else. It’ll get easier; the first time is always the most awkward – ha! So true of so many, many things.

“Nah, man. S’all good. Let’s go!”

Jeremy flashed a grin as AJ slapped a friendly hand on his shoulder. “Atta boy.”

Fake it 'til ya make it, right, Mom? I think you’ll like this guy; he seems like a decent dude.

AJ held the door open. “Watch where you’re swinging that kit, man. Talk about assault with a deadly weapon!” he joked.

“Oh please, like you could handle my deadly weapon,” Jeremy said with a wink and a grab of his crotch.

“Ew.”

“What? Don’t hate on my superior equipment, man. Ok, ok, what about ‘weapon of mass satisfaction’?”

---