Page 62 of Four Letter Feelings

“I know, Jer. It’s awful, a tragedy, and I truly am so fucking sorry. I told Officer Moore that we’d make our way to Detroit to identify their bo— ah, your parents. I’m going to book flights right now, ok? I’m going to book flights, and a car from Detroit so we can go to your parents’ house when we need to. Do you want to go upstairs and start packing what you need?” AJ took a breath and stared at his friend, intently. “Y’know what?” he continued. “Why don’t you come upstairs with me and I’ll pack while you just… sit… ok?”

Jeremy wasn’t sure if he answered or not, nor was he sure how his legs worked enough to carry him upstairs. He didn’t really remember hearing AJ calling his own parents to tell them and he didn’t remember hearing AJ booking the flights and rental car. While he sat watching AJ throwing clothes and toiletries into two bags, he didn’t really feel present. His head swam with thoughts and feelings and his body felt heavy. He couldn’t think straight, he knew he should say something to AJ, who kept throwing him concerned, furtive glances as he moved quietly around the bedroom but no words came. He pinched the bridge of his nose and willed his stomach to stop roiling. He picked up his phone, saw there was still nothing from his parents, ignored the messages from Blake and Chris, sent a Facebook message to his brother, Scott, telling him that their parents were dead, then squeezed the cell phone tightly between his hands. Huffing out a breath he threw the phone across the room with a heavy grunt as though it was the phone’s fault his parents were dead.

“Jer?” AJ asked, pausing his packing and turning to face Jeremy. “What can I do?”

Jeremy shook his head and gestured for AJ to continue packing. “I’m fine.”

“Well, we both know that’s not true, but I’m going to keep pushing to get us out the door to Detroit, ok? If you think of anything in the meantime that you need, or want, please just speak, ok? I am here for you, Jer. However, I can be.”

Gratitude warmed his chest, looping around the anger and fear he was feeling with every breath.

“Promise?” Jeremy asked, acutely aware he sounded childlike and fragile but in the moment he didn’t care. “I really don’t have anyone else, man. Both my parents were only children, my grandparents are all long gone … I don’t know of any extended family, my parents never spoke about anyone, it was just us. It was always just… us… and my brother…” he trailed off. “I’ve been looking for him, but I can’t find him. It’s just me. It’s just me, AJ and I don’t know how to—” His breath caught as emotions overwhelmed him.

Except you did find him and he rejected you.

The shame of his brother’s rejection kept Jeremy from telling his friend he’d found him. The realization that he was alone was intense and daunting. Sure, he’d travelled around Europe by himself for a year, but he always had the parental safety net in case he somehow messed up and needed rescuing. Now, he was alone.

Alone.

“I’m alone, AJ.”

AJ dropped what he was doing and crossed the room, squatting in front of Jeremy once again, grabbing his hands on his lap and squeezing. “I know you feel like that right now. I know you feel like your entire world has disappeared in an instant and those are all very valid feelings but you are not alone, do you hear me? I got you.”

He squeezed again and Jeremy’s eyes filled.

A throat clearing in the doorway made them both jump and AJ fell onto his butt on the floor.

“Jess!” Jeremy exclaimed, grinding his heels into his eyes to wipe away any evidence of his emotions. “What—”

“I’m sorry to just barge in,” she began quietly. “I did try knocking but I guess you didn’t hear me. The door was open so I just came in… I just wanted to see if you were feeling better and if you needed anything. You left so suddenly and you seemed so sick, I just, I wanted to make sure you were okay, that’s all.”

She smiled a small and sympathetic smile and gave a half-shrug.

Inexplicable anger flared inside of him. Of course she was here, he’d bet every dollar in his wallet that the whole campus was now ablaze with gossip that poor freshman Jeremy Lewis’ parents were gunned down in the attack in Michigan. That’s why she was here, it was to see what she could find out, rather than to make sure he was ok.

“Came to find out the gossip, did ya?” he snarled, cruelly.

“No, I—”

He didn’t let her finish, he didn’t let her say another thing, he just yelled at her, telling her to leave and watched in triumph as her jaw dropped open in shock and she turned and hurried away.

AJ scrambled to his feet. “Jess, wait!” he called.

Jeremy scowled at him as he watched his friend run after her. He couldn’t hear what AJ said, only the low murmur of his voice, but he did hear Jessica’s interrupted gasp as he guessed she clamped her hand over her mouth in shock. He heard her distress as she said, “Oh my god, AJ, that’s awful!”

Guilt twisted in his stomach. He scraped his hands through his hair, resting his hands on his neck and stretching his head back. He tuned out whatever the others were saying outside the door and tried to focus his mind, but all he could think about was the list of things no one his age should ever have to deal with. He’d have to fly to Detroit and identify his parents’ bodies. He’d seen enough crime shows on TV to know that even though they had identification on them when they’d been killed, a member of the family needed to come and confirm identity and claim their bodies. Then he’d have to plan their funeral service and burial. He had no idea how to do that. He didn’t know the first thing about planning a funeral, or even how to go about putting that in motion. He didn’t know how to handle his parents’ probate, he’d have to hire a lawyer, and reminded himself that his mom was a lawyer and probably had all of her affairs in order, all he’d have to do is find a number to talk to one of her colleagues. He’d have to go through all their things, tidy up the house and probably sell it. That idea made his stomach lurch and he sprung to his feet to pace as he re-ran the list of things he needed to do over and over in his mind. As he trawled through the list, he kept circling back to the one startling truth that he tried so hard to convince himself wasn’t true: his parents were gone.

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