Page 64 of Four Letter Feelings

Hope you’re ok,

Chels.

Jeremy smiled at the concern and wondered if he was reading too much into her comment about Jess being his girlfriend.

Chels,

Wonders never cease. I had to splash cold water on my face to make sure I wasn’t seeing things when I saw your friend request. I wasn’t sick, though. Not really sure how to write this as I haven’t even said the words out loud yet, but my parents were killed in Detroit earlier. Unfortunately, you happened upon me the moment I heard about the… eh… incident. Thanks for your concern, though, it’s touching.

Jer

P.S. She’s really not my girlfriend, just someone I’m having a little fun with. Say you’ll go on a date with me and I’m ready to commit, though…

He thought about deleting his message, he shouldn’t be flirty, or anything but somber and dismayed that his parents were killed, but he pressed send before he could change his mind. He needed to hold on to the one thing that currently made him feel anything other than rage and despair, and if that meant flirting with Chelsea Davis, then he was damn well going to flirt with Chelsea Davis.

Standing up, he pulled a shirt and pants from the drawers and got dressed, after pulling his shoes on he checked the time. “How long do we have?”

“We need to leave soon. I figure we’ll grab a drive thru breakfast, or eat at the airport, your call.”

Jeremy pulled the dirty sheets off his bed and threw them at AJ to put in the laundry basket while he replaced them with clean sheets. Everything felt surreal, everything felt inconsequential when he thought about the fact that his parents were gone, something he had to remind himself of continually. He wondered if this was what shock felt like, knowing that something was factually correct but living in a state of disbelief and denial. Maybe once he saw their bodies it would feel more real, but for right now, in this moment, he felt as though it was someone else’s parents who had died and that the police had to have made a mistake. There was no way he was actually flying to Detroit to identify his parents’ bodies. He’d tell the officer that those people were not his parents and they could continue their search for the poor child whose parents they really were. It was just one huge misunderstanding. It had to be. He had half-convinced himself that there was some other, as of yet unknown, reason as to why his parents hadn’t answered their messages, or picked up the phone. It couldn’t possibly be because they were actually dead.

The journey to the airport was a blur, and as they drove, Jeremy ate something that he didn’t really taste which now sat heavily in his stomach because AJ threatened to force-feed him if he didn’t eat of his own volition. He thanked AJ for not peppering him with questions or trying to make small talk. He really appreciated how AJ always seemed to know when to back down or give him space, and right now, Jeremy needed space. He needed time to process the news that his parents had been brutally murdered and that he was facing the rest of his life alone. He needed time to think, though that was proving to be an impossible feat as his mind just kept churning back through the same list of things he needed to do, interspersed with the awful reminders that he was now alone.

He watched out the window as the buildings passed by, he willed his mind to calm, but nothing could stop the panicked monologue on repeat inside his head. No amount of telling himself that everything was ok and that it was all some huge misunderstanding could unravel the knot of terror and fear clenched tightly in the middle of his chest. He wiped at a stray tear that escaped and trickled down his cheek. He felt his breath catching and heard himself hiccup as he tried to push down everything he was feeling. He yearned for everything to just quiet down for a moment. He fought the waves of nausea and the overwhelming anxiety that came from staring in the face of suddenly having no family and being alone. He shoved aside the fear of not only seeing a dead body for the first time in his life, but seeing two bodies and those bodies being his parents, whom he’d bantered with over text just hours before. He inhaled shallower, faster, trying to force air into his body as he reminded himself to breathe. His stomach lurched, threatening to empty. He felt AJ’s warm hand wrap around his forearm and give a reassuring squeeze.

Jeremy didn’t know how to respond, so instead he stayed quiet as hot tears trickled down his face. He closed his eyes in a hopeless attempt to make his world stop spinning and to gain some quiet focus, but none came.

His phone chimed with a notification and when he saw Chelsea’s name appear on the screen he cringed. He wasn’t ready for sympathy and pity from someone he enjoyed bantering with and someone he wanted to win over.

OMG Jer, I’m so sorry! I don’t even know what to say to that. I know you probably don’t want to talk about how you’re feeling, but I’m here for you if you want to, or if there’s anything you need … (get your mind out of the gutter, Mr. Lewis!) Do you need me to throw down some insults and make fun of you? I can totally do that.

Seriously though, you’re not alone. I know we have… chemistry, even if I don’t like to admit it, but I do care for you and I need you to know you’re not alone. Let me know what you need*

Chels

*Nope, still not sleeping with you.

He smiled through his tears and wiped his face with his sleeve. When he eventually figured out how to survive without his parents, he planned to work on convincing this woman to let him take her out to dinner. He was embarrassed of how he was feeling despite knowing that it was perfectly normal to be a ‘hot mess’ when you just found out your parents had died. He opted for distracting himself and flirting. That was something he could control, that was something he was used to, that was something he could focus on and anchor himself with. He resolved to stay away from the feelings as much as he could while he chatted to her.

Chels,

Boobs. I need boobs. That would totally help.

Let’s not jump ahead, can’t I just take you to dinner?

I think I’m kind of at the point of rejecting that it’s even happened to be honest. I need to get there and see them and maybe then things will be easier to accept. Right now, I’m just in a daze. It doesn’t feel real. It all feels like some fucked-up nightmare and I keep pinching myself with foolish hope that it’ll wake me up.

Anyway, where are we on the boobs?

Jer

He was glad he didn’t have to look into her expressive eyes. He could simply pretend that the sympathy he knew would be there was absent and she was her usually flirty self. He appreciated her attempt at keeping things light-hearted, it was nice to have at least something relatively normal right now. He got out of the car and grabbed his case from the trunk. The airport parking lot was pretty quiet and there weren’t many people around, it was quiet, unsettling and didn’t at all mirror the raging cacophony blaring inside his mind. He shook his head to try and silence the noise, but it didn’t help. Glancing at AJ, Jeremy found himself wondering what he was thinking. He wondered if his mind had been taken over by a variation of the confusion and chaos that was whirring around his own mind. Maybe he was thinking about his next meal and wondering why he agreed to go on this trip with Jeremy at all. He didn’t know and he didn’t ask, afraid that it might be the latter and right now he needed to convince himself that he had someone in his corner, someone who chose to be there with him. Right now, he needed his friend, and it pained him to admit something that felt this close to pathetic and whiny.

Mr. Lewis,

You never give up, do you? You realize I said I’m not interested, right?

Chelsea

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