Page 66 of Four Letter Feelings

“Oh god,” he breathed, feeling the lump in his throat growing and tears prickling behind his eyelids.

“Mom.” AJ didn’t sound at all surprised that his mom was there waiting for them, yet he also seemed not to have known she was coming.

Jeremy stopped walking towards her. He felt his jaw quivering and clamped his teeth together in an attempt to stop the wave of emotions that had unexpectedly crashed into him. He heard a noise escape his body but it didn’t sound like himself. He watched as Cindy strode towards him, her face twisted in pain, arms outstretched to hug him to her. Jeremy bit down on his lip and shook his head, holding his hand up to stop her.

“I… can’t,” he rasped.

“Oh, Jeremy.” Ignoring his hand, she pulled him into her arms, squeezing him tightly against her. “I’m so, so sorry, sweetheart,” she said into his hair, as he surrendered himself into her embrace. His body let go of the tension it was carrying and the tears he’d fought for the last twelve hours came fast and freely. He sobbed in her arms, not because he didn’t care who saw him, but because he couldn’t fight it any more. He was a passenger being carried along. He couldn’t stop it, even if he’d wanted to.

He wasn’t sure how long he stood crying in the arms of his best friend’s mother, but he knew it was ugly. When he finally came up for air, his chest heaved, his face felt hot and wet and his throat was dry. He glanced quickly at her face before attempting to look away.

“Jeremy Lewis.” Her voice sounded warm but firm as she held onto his shoulders. “You cannot run from this; do you hear me? Nor should you. It will eat you up inside. This is nothing to be ashamed of,” she paused and Jeremy glanced around the arrivals hall to see if anyone was watching his nervous breakdown in the middle of the airport. “And most importantly, you are not alone, ok?”

He felt his jaw starting to quiver again and he rolled his lips between his teeth as he nodded slowly, tears trickling down his cheeks.

“I’m so scared,” he whispered. Saying the words aloud felt like a weight was lifted from his shoulders.

“I know you are, and that’s alright. But we’ve got you, okay? We’ve got you,” she repeated, pulling him in for another hug and rubbing his back. Her warmth and the strength with which she spoke was both comforting and assuring.

“I don’t know what to do,” he mumbled into her shoulder.

He felt her nodding against the side of his head and she spoke in his ear. “I know. But I’ll take care of it as much as I can, ok? I’ll try and do the heavy lifting and help you as much as I can. If that’s what you want anyway, I don’t want to just show up and take over, but I couldn’t just stay home and let you muddle through this alone.” She seemed to realize she was rambling and stopped. “Well, I’m here to do all I can if you need me.”

Jeremy nodded emphatically. “Please,” he practically pleaded. “I can’t do this by myself. I don’t know how…” he trailed off, stepped back and dried his face with the heels of his hands as he realized they were still standing in the arrivals area of the airport. “I’m sorry—” he started.

“No, Jer,” she interrupted. “You don’t get to apologize right now, ok? Let’s get moving, I’m sure you’re tired, and we have a long day ahead of us, but we will get you through it.”

He felt embarrassed at how much comfort he felt when she used plurals and didn’t single him out.

“I took the liberty of starting the ball rolling with the Canadian embassy to talk about repatriating your parents back to West Lorne. They’re just at the end of the phone and only too happy to help with anything we need.”

They walked out to Cindy’s rental car, pausing briefly for AJ to confirm with the rental company that his mom had rented a car instead and he wouldn’t be needing the one he’d reserved any longer. When they got out to the car, Cindy asked AJ for the information about where they needed to go that he’d got from the officer on the phone and they set off towards the morgue.

The longer they were in the car, the tighter Jeremy’s stomach contracted. He felt sick, and kept grabbing onto the door handle as though it could somehow steady him.

Chelsea: You doing ok?

Jeremy: No. I can’t do this.

Jeremy: Sorry. I know we’re not about the real shit. We deal in sarcasm and hilarity, but I’m coming up empty on both those things.

Chelsea: Shut your face, Lewis. I’m here for you. Whatever you need.

Chelsea: Except that.

Jeremy: Buzzkill.

Jeremy: I’m so scared, Chels.

Chelsea: I have no idea what you’re going through, but I know you’re stronger than you think.

Glancing up, he realized they had pulled up outside the morgue and his stomach lurched. Tears threatened. His hands shook as he held the phone.

Jeremy: We just got to the morgue. I feel sick. I can’t do this.

Chelsea: Just keep breathing, Jeremy. Not only can you do this, but you need to.

Jeremy: I’m sorry for dumping all of this on you. I know you have, y’know, a life.

Chelsea: Hey. Stop that. I’d hug you if I could, but there’s one waiting for you next time I come to 'Bama. Just keep breathing.

He nodded to himself and realized that Cindy and AJ were already out of the car. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to feel ready enough to face what was undoubtedly the worst day of his entire life, but as he followed Cindy into the building, he felt anything but ready.

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