Page 67 of Four Letter Feelings

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Chapter 26

Nothing is ever as easy as it might seem. In Jeremy’s head he was going to turn up, tell them those strangers lying on the medical examiner’s metal slabs weren’t his parents and that would be that. What had actually happened two weeks ago when they arrived to identify the bodies, was nothing like he’d expected.

As it happened, those ‘strangers’ were, in fact, his parents, and much to Jeremy’s dismay it wasn’t quite as simple as saying they were his parents and leaving with them to bring them home. There were procedures and processes and it was overwhelming. True to her word, Cindy had been there with him every step of the way. He stayed quiet while Cindy spoke with the medical examiner who informed them that due to the fact they were murdered, a post mortem was required by law and that could take up to six weeks. He also told them that since the bodies were being transported out of state, embalming was legally required. Cindy requested fifteen certified copies of their death certificates – one of her colleagues had given her a heads up that Jeremy would need at least ten to take care of his parents’ affairs, so she asked for extras, just to be sure. She had also requested hermetically sealed caskets, another legal requirement, this time from the Canadian side as well as a certified letter from the coroner to confirm the identity of his parents. She’d ensured that the funeral director knew the required logistics and specifications for transporting human remains by plane. The coffins had to be wrapped in protective fabric and placed on an air-tray, a special wooden slab with handles to help the baggage handlers lift the coffins more easily.

He had gone back to Alabama with AJ a few days later, with Cindy’s assurance that she wouldn’t leave Detroit, she promised to stay close to Jeremy’s parents in case anything was needed. The coroner couldn’t give them an idea of when he could release the bodies, so Jeremy went back to Alabama to try and make a plan for the weeks to come. There was a lot of his parents’ paperwork to get started on and arrangements needed to be put in place for when they were ready to make their final trip home.

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Then he and AJ had flown back to Detroit because Jeremy felt he should fly back to Canada with his parents’ bodies. It didn’t feel right leaving them to fly alone. They’d arrived at the airport the required six hours prior to their scheduled flight. They’d presented the required certified documentation and accompanying letters confirming their cargo with Air Canada, whose compassionate service had made everything as easy as it could be for Jeremy. He’d said thank you about three hundred times already and received the same, sad smile from every member of staff. The consulate had been equally as helpful. With so much red tape transporting remains internationally, he had been overwhelmed. But Cindy’s colleague, and their contact at the consulate had all helped to make things as smooth sailing as possible.

Jeremy knew they’d gotten lucky, with over fifty people killed that night, he could have been waiting up to two months to claim his parents and take them home. But they’d been the first processed and released and as he sat staring out over Detroit city as the plane took off to bring his parents to their final resting place, a feeling of obligation tugged at his heart. He’d contemplated dropping out of the University of Huntsville Alabama and transferring to Toronto, to be closer to his parents. But after having read their last will and testament and seeing that they wanted to be cremated and interred, he had, instead, decided to have a memorial card made from their ashes so he could keep it with him in Alabama while they remained interred in Canada. Cindy’s legal experience and efficiency every step of the way had ensured there wasn’t a single delay at any stage of the process, she knew he wanted to take them home as quickly and easily as possible.

He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. The last two weeks had been difficult, to say the least. He’d found himself pushing himself harder across the board, and he was dog-tired as a result. He trained harder and more frequently at the gym, he immersed himself in assignments and he tried to block out the pain and noise in his mind by focusing on things he could control. He’d seen Jess every night since he got back, too, though she’d finally called time on the eighth night asking for a time out. She claimed he’d broken her va-jay-jay with all the sexing and she needed a night to recoup. He flexed his jaw, reminding himself to unclench, he’d had a constant headache since the night of the shooting and Tylenol just wasn’t cutting it.

“You holding up, alright?” AJ’s voice interrupted his thoughts.

He nodded. “Yeah, just running through everything in my head… again.”

“I figured. The funeral home will take care of most things from the minute we land. I know I sound like a broken record, but please try to relax.”

Jeremy nodded again. He’d owe AJ for the rest of his life for how great he’d been over the past weeks. He hadn’t left his side for longer than his six hour sleep every night and even then, he’d slept in a chair in Jeremy’s room that first night they got back and then on a mattress on his floor for the first few nights, just to make sure he was ok. At first, he’d planned an incredibly small funeral service at the crematorium. AJ, Cindy, Art, Ana were the only people he had asked to attend at first, but Blake and Chris had asked if they could come up and represent the team and be there for Jeremy and pay their respects. Then a few people from his parents’ neighborhood and some of those from the homeless shelter his mom volunteered at asked if they could come, and a few of their work colleagues as well. He’d been touched by their offer and couldn’t think of an appropriate enough reason to say no to such a kind gesture, so he’d agreed. There’d be an intimate service at the church he’d attended since he was little, and then he and the Williams’ would travel to the crematorium for the cremation. They’d already flown to Canada and had settled into an Airbnb not too far from his parents’ house.

Jeremy had made the decision to leave sorting through his parents’ things ‘til the summertime, after the semester finished and he had the time to dedicate to doing what needed to be done. AJ had already informed him he wasn’t letting him go alone and considering he didn’t want to; Jeremy didn’t protest.

***

The following morning, he dragged himself out of bed. He couldn’t bear to stay in his parents’ house, yet he couldn’t bring himself to go anywhere else, either. He shoved down the building emotion in his chest and invited AJ’s family to stay in their two guest bedrooms so he wasn’t alone. Everything felt like it was in slow motion. He showered, ate breakfast and dressed in his best game-night suit. He stared at himself in the mirror for far too long, trying to convince himself that he was about to attend someone else’s parents’ funeral and not his own. But no matter how hard he tried, or how long he stared, he couldn’t. From the moment he knew his parents had died there had been a deep and weighty emptiness inside of him that he hadn’t been able to fill. No matter what he tried, he couldn’t even distract himself from it, let alone fill it.

He had no idea how he was going to lay his parents to rest though he’d never been more relieved that they didn’t come from a large family. The idea of holding a big, church funeral in front of extended family and friends made him wince. This was going to be hard enough. With the help of their priest, Father McManus, he had come up with a short service, he wasn’t even eulogizing his parents, he couldn’t trust himself to speak in front of anyone. He’d picked his mother’s favorite hymns for the service: On Eagle’s Wings and Here I Am, Lord, Father McManus had asked a member of the choir who played the harp to come and provide the music and sing. Ana was going to read a poem he’d remembered hearing at his grandmother’s funeral. The song he’d picked for the coffins being brought into the crematorium was Satisfaction by the Rolling Stones, his dad’s favorite band. The song he’d picked for when the curtains closed and everyone left the building was Miss You, also by the Rolling Stones. He knew it was going to be an impossibly difficult hour of his life and no amount of preparing or stalling would help. He had to face it head on and hope he made it out the other side in one piece.

They walked the same route to the church that he and his parents had always taken, though he’d never walked it without them. His chest tightened as he stopped at the foot of the steps and looked up at the cross outside. He felt anger bubbling deep inside of him, though he knew this wasn’t the time or place to have a screaming match with God.

As he sat in the pew with a small group of people who cared about his parents sitting behind him, he felt vulnerable and on display. Even though they couldn’t see his face, he felt their attention on him, even if they weren’t paying him the slightest bit of attention, he was convinced they were. He took comfort in the fact he was sitting between AJ and Cindy. They each held one of his hands and as they’d entered the church, Ana had given his arm a comforting squeeze of reassurance. He felt loved, he felt surrounded by people who cared about him and his family, and yet, at the same time, he’d never felt more alone. He felt abandoned by his parents, by his God, and even by his estranged brother. He’d never before felt so alone while surrounded by such love before and the feeling didn’t sit well with him. He shrugged off his jacket and tugged his tie a little looser so he could at least convince himself that he was breathing easier. He hung his head in his hands and closed his eyes while Father McManus began the service. He tried to sing On Eagle’s Wings with the harpist but his voice cracked and the tears prevented him from speaking, and as he stared at the pictures of his parents sitting next to their casket’s he pleaded with his parents to forgive him.

He blamed himself for their death, something he hadn’t told anyone, not even AJ. He had been the one to buy those tickets, it was his fault they were in Detroit and in the path of the gunman. As the priest read their eulogies, he silently begged for them to forgive him for buying them such a fatal gift.

As the harpist played and sang ‘Here I am, Lord,’ his pain intensified and his shoulders shook as he sobbed. Try as he might, there was no fighting the crashing waves of grief that accompanied saying a final goodbye to his parents. AJ’s hand clutched his hand tighter, while Cindy slipped her arm around his shoulders and pulled him towards her, holding him close. He found himself wishing that he could hug his mom just one last time, that he could smell her perfume and soap, just one last time. That he could study their faces and commit every nuance to memory. Fear tore through him like a wildfire. What if he forgot how their voices sounded? What if he forgot their quirks and phrases or the funny things they did? What if he forgot that his dad drove his mom crazy every day by turning the TV up too loudly, or that his mom laid out his dad’s clothes every night before bed? What if his children asked him about his parents some day and he couldn’t answer because he forgot the finer details of what differentiated them from any other person in the world and made them his parents? His mind whirred with fear, panic and anger at himself. How could you possibly forget the sound of your own parents’ voices? Or even think about forgetting their sounds and smells or the little things they did for you that made them so special? He felt like a complete failure as a son. His mind buzzed with things he could or should have done better, regret crippled him as he wanted so badly to take back his year abroad and spend it with them before they died. He felt sick.

He thought he’d shed the last of his tears until Ana stood up to read the poem he’d chosen and he found fresh, hot tears pouring quickly down his face as she spoke.