Page 68 of Four Letter Feelings

But so hard to be without.

When the poem was finished, Ana made her way back to the pew. Jeremy slipped his jacket back on and stood up as the priest made his way to the coffins to bless them and leave the church. Jeremy walked between the coffins with a hand on each of them, tears coursing heavily down his cheeks. As he stepped outside into the frigid air, he closed his eyes for a moment and breathed deeply. It didn’t take him long to realize that his role in an official capacity wasn’t yet over.

The small group of people had started to trickle out from the church and were forming a line to pay their respects. AJ and his family stood slightly behind him, close enough to step in if need be, but far enough away to let him handle things himself should he want to. AJ gripped his shoulder tightly as he walked past to stand behind him.

By the time he’d finished shaking hands and getting hugs from people his body felt heavy and slow as though all of his energy had been sucked from him. Ana hooked elbows with him and led him back to the house to pick up the car to drive to the crematorium behind the funeral car.

“I’m not sure I would have survived this without you guys,” he said quietly, as they rode in silence in the entourage. “I’ll never be able to thank y’all for everything you’ve done.”

“You don’t ever have to thank us, Jeremy. You’ve been part of our family from the minute you walked into AJ’s life and you always will be,” Cindy answered without hesitation.

Words failed him once again and he turned to stare out the window at the world passing by.

Death is so friggin’ weird. My life has been completely destroyed in an instant and yet so many other people just go about their lives like nothing ever happened. My sky is falling! My earth has stopped spinning and you’re all just behaving like the world hasn’t just lost two of the best people in it.

He held it together during the brief service at the crematorium, until he stood over the coffins running his fingers over the nameplates and wondering how he was supposed to wake up tomorrow and move on with his life.

As the curtains closed and the opening bars of Miss You played throughout the crematorium, he looked helplessly at Cindy, willing her to have the answer, willing her to tell him something parental that would comfort him and make him feel better.

“I wish I could tell you this will get easier,” she said, as she held him tightly against her in what felt like the eleventy billionth hug since his parents had died. “But it’s going to hurt like this, it’s going to feel this raw for a very, very long time.” She sniffed and he suspected she was crying with him. “My mom died about ten years ago, now, and I still miss her every day. I still find myself picking up the phone to call her, and I still feel that gaping hole in my chest where they belong. We just get better at coping with it. Please don’t suffer alone, Jer, ok? Please? Things will be hard for a while. Some days they’ll feel pretty impossible, but on those days, you call me, ok? I might not be your mom or dad, nor would I ever want to replace them, but I’m here, I care and I can give you a safe place to grieve when you need it.”

He nodded against her shoulder and wrapped his arms around her, crying harder. He was convinced he would never again live another second where he didn’t feel as though he was dying inside, and he had no idea how to face the rest of his life feeling that way, either.

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