“And complicity,” she repeated, returning his grin. “Honestly, Jer, I don’t know what to say. This whole situation is just so tragic and I’m so very sorry it happened to you. You’re handling things better than you think, too, but at the same time I feel like I need to remind you that it really is ok to fall apart. Y’know?”

She looked at him with sadness in her eyes and his heart twitched. “What do you mean?” he rasped.

“You know what I mean, Jer. The more you bottle everything up inside yourself,” she reached over and covered his heart with her hand, “the more it’s going to eat you alive. It’s totally okay to feel. I know you jock-types think it’s not, and I know even society thinks it’s not, but you lost your fucking parents in a heartbreaking and traumatic event and it’s ok to acknowledge that it’s shit, and feel just how shitty it is.”

He stared at her, wondering if his desperation was showing through the cracks of his self-control.

“It’s ok to be angry,” she said quietly. “I can’t begin to know just how angry you are, hell, Jer, I’m angry, the whole country is angry and we didn’t lose our parents to the act of a mad man. It’s ok to say you’re not ok. It’s ok to be less than composed and flawless sometimes. It’s ok to storm off in anger because of the behavior of your friend’s sister, who normally throws shade at you, being just so damn nice you can’t take it.”

He winced.

“I’m serious, Jer. We don’t expect you to just carry on your life as though nothing has changed. So stop trying to hide it from us and if there’s anything we can do to help you, please, please just tell us.”

He nodded but didn’t speak. This was a strange moment for him, he didn’t have this kind of relationship with Ana, he barely knew her, and while on one hand it felt uncomfortable and out of place, on the other it felt cleansing.

“I don’t know how to grieve.” He lifted his eyes to watch her reaction, to see if she was going to mock him or somehow accuse him of being a terrible person.

She gave a small, humorless laugh. “Jeremy, no one knows how to grieve. It’s the least natural thing in the world. We all know that life is short and that we’re all going to die, but when it happens, it’s tragic and it’s shocking, especially when it’s completely unexpected. You’re not supposed to know how to grieve. None of us are and I think each loss, each grieving process is different for each person and there is no right or wrong way.” She paused and scrunched up her face. “Actually, there is a wrong way and that’s trying really hard not to grieve. It’ll bite you in the ass, man. I dunno if you’ve got a therapist, but if not, maybe you should think about looking for one, just in case you feel like talking to someone who actually knows what the hell they’re talking about.” She smiled and shrugged as she stood up, taking his hand as she did and pulling him into a standing hug.

“Sounds like you know plenty.”

“Don’t tell anyone,” she whispered. “I’m kinda ok with people thinking AJ is the smart sibling.”

“Your secret’s safe with me,” he answered, squeezing her tightly.

Picking up his coffee he followed her back downstairs to finish his lunch though his stomach objected. He wasn’t sure he could get a handle on the storm raging inside himself, but Ana seemed convinced that he didn’t need to, or at least that he didn’t need to fight it. He just needed to let everything he was feeling run its course and he’d come out the other side cured of all these overwhelming and suffocating feelings that were running rampant and playing havoc with his life. All he had to do in the meantime was ride out the waves and wait for land to appear on the horizon.