Page 72 of Four Letter Feelings

“Jeremy.” She winced, it was only one word, but her voice was thick with pain and laced with sadness. “What are you doing to yourself?” she whispered.

He snapped his hand from her grasp, embarrassed at the understanding on her face.

I’m punishing myself, Chels. I failed them as a son. They died because I sent them to that theater. What if I’d never bought them those damn tickets? How do I make this pain go away? How do I figure out how to go back to normal without my parents? I just want them back. Please, just let me wake up tomorrow and let this all be a dream.

He felt the agitation reignite and took a breath, ready to spout something defensive. He didn’t owe her an explanation and she didn’t want to be in his life, so she didn’t get to have an opinion on how he chose to grieve the loss of his parents.

Before he could speak, she covered his mouth with her fingers and kissed his cheek. Leaning her forehead against his, their noses touching, he closed his eyes and breathed her in. Being so close to her seemed to fan the flames of fury in his chest and he wanted to soak in the moment before she did what she always did, pull back and run.

He felt her fingers wrap themselves around his own and he glanced down in surprise.

“C’mon,” she announced, stepping forward. “Let’s get you home.”

“Why are you doing this?” he asked, stopping, feeling the familiar lump reappear in his throat. She must have felt the shaking in his hand because she picked up his hand and kissed each of the bruised knuckles one by one.

“Because you need someone, Jeremy Lewis, and while I have vowed off dating hockey players, I’m still a human being… and I care about you.” Seeing the shock on his face she quickly added, “I’ll deny it if anyone ever asks me, though.”

He smiled and choked back his tears, the air felt heavy with unspoken words. As they walked hand-in-hand Jeremy felt almost normal for the first time in months. When they got back to his house, he invited Chelsea inside, assuring her he wouldn’t attempt to get her naked, unless she wanted to. With an eye roll she pushed past him and walked inside.

As he stepped into the house behind her, something immediately felt wrong, or out of place. He glanced at the door he’d just unlocked and opened and gave the handle a shake before glancing at the panes of still intact glass around the door. Sweeping his eyes across the dimly lit space in front of him, the hair stood on the back of his neck. He grabbed Chelsea by the arm and held a finger to his lips, indicating she should be quiet as he pulled out his phone and called AJ to see if he was home. Following the sound of the ringing into the living room he saw AJ’s arm dangling off the edge of the sofa.

“Dude,” Jeremy began. “You fell asleep—”

Breathing a sigh of relief, convincing himself that no one smart would break in while someone was home, and reassuring himself that the door had actually been locked. His brain seemed to put together the pieces of what he was seeing at lightning speed.

“Call an ambulance,” he barked at Chelsea, as he stuck his fingers against AJ’s skin to feel for a pulse. “Shit, shit, shit! AJ don’t you fucking dare die on me, man. Don’t you fucking dare!” He knew to rub his knuckles over his friend’s chest bone and when he didn’t get a response, he felt again for a pulse. He nodded at Chelsea, “It’s weak though, Chels.” He made a series of quick decisions about what to do. When he and AJ first became friends, he’d done some reading up on depression and had fallen down the rabbit hole of articles about how to proceed if his friend ever tried to take his life. He’d read the protocol for overdoses and he knew that the majority of overdose patients actually died from respiratory failure.

Ignoring the empty bottles of pills and the folded note on the table he quickly pulled the coffee table away from the sofa and gently slipped his friend onto the floor, shaking his head, blinking back tears, he looked to Chelsea who was nodding.

“They say if he’s not breathing to start rescue breathing, Jer.” She sounded calm, but he could see fear in her eyes as she talked to the 9-1-1 operator over the open line.

“I know,” Jer answered, as he tilted his friend’s head, lifted his chin, pinched his nose and sealed his lips over AJ’s.

Two quick breaths and a long breath every five seconds, he repeated to himself as he proceeded to attempt to save his best friend, his brother, the one person he had left in all the world and the one person he’d been avoiding for weeks.

I wasn’t there for you, either. Guilt stabbed at his chest and tears poured down his cheeks. I’m so sorry, AJ. I’m so sorry. Please don’t die. He closed his eyes and pleaded with God. Please don’t take him, too. Please, I’ll do whatever I have to, please just don’t take him from me, too.

“Chels, I need you to go into my room. First door on the left at the top of the stairs. Top drawer, way at the back there’s a black case, bring it to me quickly please.” He sounded way calmer than he felt, but he knew that he was going to do all he could to make sure his friend survived so he could kick his ass for trying to leave him.

During his research, he’d discovered that Naloxone was a drug that could help reverse the effects of an overdose on the body. It didn’t require a prescription so he’d picked up a couple and hidden them away in the back of his drawer in case the unspeakable ever happened. He’d never been gladder that he’d researched as he had, or that AJ hadn’t tried to hang himself or cut his wrists rather than take an overdose. He kicked himself for having abandoned AJ over the last months, he had no idea what was going on with his friend, he had no idea why he’d suddenly want to take his own life and just as Chelsea was running back towards him he picked up AJ’s note and shoved it into his pocket. He stared at the bottles of meds scattered across the coffee table and took a deep breath, not knowing how many his friend had taken and praying that it wasn’t too many.

Chelsea held out the needle and Jeremy shook his head, telling her she had to prep the needle for him, drawing one cc of Naloxone into the syringe so he could inject it. Her phone balanced between her cheek and her shoulder, her hands shook as she handed the syringe to him. He gave her a thin smile, mustering as much reassurance as he could. Without hesitation he slammed the needle into his friend’s thigh and injected the liquid into his muscle before he discarded the empty syringe on the coffee table and resumed his rescue breathing.

They didn’t live far from the hospital, so it wasn’t long before he heard a siren and yet it felt like hours. He continued rescue breathing and as he was contemplating a second dose of Naloxone, the EMTs made their way into the house and got AJ on a stretcher. He answered all of their questions, gave them the medication bottles and told them about the dose of Naloxone and gave them the empty syringe to dispose of safely as they rolled the stretcher into the ambulance.

Jeremy contemplated driving, but considering there was still whisky in his system and he didn’t want to end up arrested or in a hospital bed next to AJ, he opted to ride along in the back of the bus so AJ wasn’t alone. Chelsea reluctantly agreed not to follow, but made him promise he’d update her on how things went.

As he rode in the ambulance to the hospital, Jeremy stayed out of the EMTs way. He hung his head in his hands and fought the tears.

I dunno what I’ve done to fuck up so badly, but please just let him live. Please, please let him live. I can’t lose him, too.

He dragged his hands through his hair in desperation.

I should have been there for you, Pim. I’m so fucking sorry. I was so lost in my own grief, in trying to numb the pain, in trying to keep everyone away so I could pretend I was fine. I’m so fucking sorry.

I’ll go back to therapy, I’ll cut down my drinking and partying, I’ll do better in school… whatever it takes please… just make this pain go away and save him. Please, God, just don’t take him and tell me how to fix this hole in my chest. I don’t know what to do. I’m so lost and alone. I almost lost the one person I had left. He glanced over to where AJ was lying and the EMTs were working on him, taking his blood pressure and talking to him as they went, explaining what they were doing.

As he waited in the waiting room Jeremy contemplated calling AJ’s parents, but he wanted to give that option to AJ when he woke up.

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