Page 73 of Four Letter Feelings

If he wakes up.

No. Stop that! He WILL wake up. He has to.

He started awake when he felt a hand on his arm shaking gently. “Mr. Williams? Mr. Williams? Wake up Mr. Williams, your brother is awake and asking to see you,” she explained.

Jeremy jumped up off the uncomfortable seat, and followed closely on her heels. AJ was sitting up in bed, hooked up to an IV and as Jeremy walked into the room, he passed someone he guessed was a psychiatrist. Bursting into tears, he launched himself at AJ and threw his arms around his friend who, upon seeing Jeremy crying, started crying as well.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered into Jeremy’s ear. “I’m so, so sorry Jer.” He gripped Jeremy tightly as both men cried to each other, releasing months of anguish and sorrow.

“I’m sorry too,” Jeremy managed between sobs. “I’ve been so out of it; I had no idea you were even suffering. I’m so sorry, Pim.”

He wasn’t sure how long they sat there, embracing each other but he knew they both needed it. Relief flooded his entire body that his friend was still alive and his suicide attempt hadn’t been successful.

“Did you call my parents?” he asked, clearly terrified.

“No,” Jeremy shook his head. “I wanted to leave the decision up to you to tell them about this.”

“You knew I’d wake up?” AJ asked, searching Jeremy’s face for something.

“You can’t leave me, Pim. You’re all I’ve got.” He realized his voice sounded needy and verged on pathetic desperation, he realized he was shaking and his tears wouldn’t stop falling, but it was the truth. AJ was the only family he had left now that his parents were gone.

AJ clamped his lips between his teeth, seemingly not able to trust his own voice and nodded, wordlessly. He released his lips and pursed them, Jeremy could tell that something else was on his mind.

“I didn’t read it,” he answered the unasked question. “I have it in my pocket. I didn’t read it. I won’t read it, not if you don’t want me to, I just, I didn’t want the EMTs taking it, or, I dunno, whatever.”

AJ shook his head, and heavy tears fell onto his shirt. “Don’t read it, please Jer, just give it back so I can destroy it. I’m going back on my meds, I’m going back to my psychiatrist and my psychologist, I’m going to get my head on right, go back to school, get back on the ice. I’m going to fix it all.”

Guilt twisted in his chest as he realized things were much worse than he’d thought. AJ hadn’t been at school, or playing hockey and Jeremy hadn’t noticed. He hadn’t paid attention to anything outside his own tunnel vision of grief. Once again, he felt like a failure, like he’d let his family down, again. All over again he was reminded of just how lacking he was.

“Thank god you came home early, Jer. You saved me!” The relief and gratitude in his friend’s voice was tangible. He elected not to tell AJ that Chelsea had been there too and made a mental note to tell her to take that secret with her to the grave. He also needed to send that woman some flowers.

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