Page 106 of Riding the Pine

MARCH 1ST

I’m watching TV with the twins in Athena’s living room when the screaming starts. It’s only been ten days, but she’s having what feels like more nightmares instead of fewer. She insists she doesn’t want me to go to bed early with her, but the more she suffers, the more I think I need to insist right back.

I get that she’s the boss, she’s in control of her own recovery, but at the same time, I think I can help her.

She flits between not sleeping at all, or nightmares.

Neither is an ideal or maintainable solution. She’s beyond exhausted, and by extension, so are we.

The twins and I are already on our way into the bedroom. She’s mumbling, still sleeping, and she’s crying.

Artemis turns on the bedside lamp, while I climb into bed with my girl.

The bed’s soaked, so’s her pillow. It’s only been ten days, but unfortunately and fortunately we’re a well-oiled machine at this point.

I pull Athena into my lap and stand up so the boys can change the bedsheets. We have plenty of linens, and they’re all close to hand.

I hold her while she convulses and jolts, still sleeping and reliving her worst nightmare in her subconscious.

While I carry her into the bathroom, she wakes up, and her wide, bleary eyes find mine. “Again?” Her voice is flat and resigned as realization dawns.

“It’s okay, Bright Eyes. I’ve got you.” I pull her to me, cradling her against my body as she tries to wriggle.

“You shouldn’t have to. That’s every night… It’s not getting better.” She starts trembling, her eyes filling with a deep, unimaginable pain I can’t take from her and make my own.

“Just breathe, Athena. It’s barely been a week. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and we’ll get you far enough forward that things will be better.” I wince at how simplistic I make it sound when in reality, it’s anything but.

“You’re an ‘everything happens for a reason’ away from losing your junk, Gizmo.”

I brush my nose against hers. “At least you cracked a smile.”

I sit her on the bathroom counter while I close the bathroom door and turn the shower on. The woman I see when I turn back around isn’t one I recognize. She’s lost weight, her face is gaunt. And once we start undressing her, her collarbones and ribs are more pronounced than I think either of us are comfortable with because she folds her arms to try to cover her body.

“Can we try it my way, please?” I tug her pj pants over her thighs and down her legs. “I’ll come to bed with you.”

“I’m sleeping at weird times.” Her fight isn’t what I expected, it’s almost as though she’s objecting because she feels she should.

“Okay.” I toss her clothes into the laundry hamper next to the counter. “But what if Iwantto do it? What if it would makemefeel better to lie next to you every night? What if I want to hold you in my arms.”

She looks at my chin. “Even if I wet the bed?”

“Especially then, Bright Eyes.”

There’s reluctance in her movement as she lifts her eyes to mine. “You can’t mean that.”

“Maybe I want to be the hero I’ve read about in Justin’s book club books. I’d like to see if I can help you sleep.” I wiggle my brows. “It’s completely about me, not you.”

That gets a smile out of her. “So, it’s for purely selfish reasons.” She nods, nibbling on her bottom lip. I strip off and guide her into the shower.

“Completely.” I back her under the streaming jets of steamy water, careful not to get her tied-in-a-top-knot hair wet as we begin our nightly process of getting her clean from the waist down. “And while it might not help a goddamn bit, it’s worth checking to see if it helps at all, right?”

She says nothing, but studies me as I crouch down in front of her, lathering her skin with a loofa. I watch her face for any sign of outward trauma. It’s a big deal for her to let me anywhere near her naked body, and I’m not taking that for granted.

If she so much as winces, I’ll hand over the sudsy ball and leave her by herself. I did that the first night, but found her on the floor sobbing, so we agreed I’d help her shower when she wakes up during the night.

We make it as quick and hopefully painless as we can. It’s a matter of seconds before the water’s turned off, and a couple minutes more before she’s dry, in clean pjs the boys have left out on her bed and tucked in under the covers.

“Don’t you need to go out and say goodnight to my brothers?” She asks through a yawn.

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