Page 3 of Brave as It

If only, I bought new tires when I decided not to trade it in.

If only, I changed to heavier bags it would have given more weight to the back end of my bike.

The list goes on and on. But not one if only changes my reality.

The reality that is very much a challenge as a man today.

From the moment Boomer came into our lives, my brother and I have been engulfed in the Hellions motorcycle club world. When I came too from the accident, they were all crowded around. Not one of them or their family members have even considered not sticking by my side to see me through. Today is the day I’m not just Boomer’s son. Today I earn the final rocker. Today I’m his brother in a club that has been our family from the moment he accepted us as his own so did everyone in the club.

Needing to connect with something, needing to hold onto something from before the accident was this process. I always knew I would join. Granted, I expected it to be after retirement. When my career ended, I needed this. I lost my Army life, but I didn’t lose my family. I knew how to solidify my place. To belong again and to have this goal to work towards.

Prospecting.

After the accident, I didn’t just lose my legs. I lost my job as a Paratrooper in the Army getting an honorable discharge but knowing it was because I was no longer considered fit for duty was a whole different mind fuck. I lost the ability to walk, to ride my motorcycle, and to even drive a car without adaptations. I couldn’t get around my house with my wheelchair. When I bought it, I certainly didn’t expect to need handicapped accessible features. I definitely wasn’t jumping from aircrafts anymore. I wasn’t doing shit the easy way ever again. All the things I took for granted were suddenly a daily battle. Hell, I had to learn how to balance safely to wipe my ass. Literally almost everything in my life changed.

What stayed the same?

The Hellions and my place here amongst them.

Once I came out of rehab and figured out day to day life, I knew I was going to prospect. This is the only thing that has kept me going since the accident.

Scrubbing toilets after the parties, did that shit with a smile. Getting some crazy coffee order and delivering it one by one to each ol’ lady, did that shit too with a fucking smile. Anything and everything asked of me, I took care of with the same focus I did with every mission of my military career.

Why then am I struggling to smile today when it’s all right here about to happen?

Because I feel the weight of what could have been.

I can’t complain about the sidecar ride. I chose not to have prosthetics fitted to me. I’m eligible, but it hasn’t felt right. Fake legs don’t change a damn thing about what I’ve lost. Sure, it gives me back some options, but not without making adaptations of putting on the prosthesis. I can’t explain it, but in my gut, I am not that man, not yet, and I don’t know if I ever will be.

Boomer offered to outfit a trike for me to ride again. Since that doesn’t require me to balance it, I did consider it. Even now it still pops into my mind from time to time tempting me to give it a go.

Here is the thing, riding is beautiful.

Yeah, I said that shit.

Riding is this experience for me. It’s a whole body, every sense engaged, experience. Shit is almost better than sex.

Almost.

There is no better way to experience the full beauty of the United States than cross-country on a motorcycle. The views, the towns, the people, all of it is something I take in each and every time.

I can’t do that the same ever again and I don’t want those memories tainted.

Today is already challenging enough. I can get through this ride. I will get through this ride.

I’ll climb in the sidecar on my own. I’ve practiced the drop in and lift out. It’s not easy, but I’m going to do it my way. Colton will have control in the bike, but the sidecar, I’ll feel the curves and take this ride almost like everyone else.

From today until the end of time, legs or no legs, I’m a Hellion. I’m not defined by my wheelchair, I’m still part of this brotherhood.

That is what is going to carry me through today.

The final patch. The rocker complete and having a place in the club I’ve always wanted even though I’ll never ride again.

With courage I’ll get through today.

And the rest of my days will be filled with acceptance of my circumstance. No matter what comes I can face it because today marks the day I’m a Hellion.

Ride until I die … in my own way.

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