Page 59 of Commander

Chapter Fifteen

I groaned insideas I adjusted my pillow for what felt like the hundredth time. For over an hour, I’d tried to sleep but nothing worked. It was still pitch-black outside and even the annoying birds were sleeping. Which meant, I couldn’t use them as my excuse for the insomnia I was going through. I covered my face with my arm and released a deep breath.

There was no use in pretending I had no clue what was bothering me. We’d leave for Washington after breakfast and I couldn’t help but worry what it would be like between us when we took on our roles as president and first lady and not just a man and woman totally into each other.

Would we live separate lives and only come together for sex and the occasional event or would we have a relationship as my parents had? One where we shared everything that wasn’t confidential to our jobs.

My emotions were running wild, and the need I felt for Ashur was confusing the hell out of me.

These past few days he’d been the boy I’d fallen in love with as a girl but in the package of the man he’d become. He’d gotten me to enjoy our early-morning walks and late-night strolls. Although he hadn’t proven to me running was worth it. We’d even broached the subject of his father, discussing in detail Minesh’s manipulation and even what he’d done to Samina when she’d decided to pursue a career far away from Texas.

I’d found myself wanting to confess everything about who I was and what I’d done, countless times. But I’d kept things quiet, not wanting anything to taint our time at the cabin. Plus, it was better to have all the information and then tell Ashur everything. As soon as we got back, I’d meet with Tyler, settle on the final logistics of the auction and Ameera’s return, and then decide how I’d talk to Ashur.

I had no doubt Ashur would keep my secret. It was better that he knew so he could head off any future fallout.

I sighed.

I’d have to wait and see if he could accept who I was. Who I work for…who I worked for.

God, how was I going to give up the job that had given me my identity? I still had four months to change my mind.

Fuck, there was no way this couldn’t end in disaster.

Then there was the contract. It was my safety net in my relationship with Ashur. He’d offered the money and I’d accepted it. But now, especially after this week, I could see us truly making this a real marriage.

Would it be as simple as saying I wanted to tear up the contract?

What if I took the step and he turned his back on me when he learned about Solon? Ashur said he knew I’d hedged international law and accepted what I’d done as a way to save lives and to protect the innocent.

But would he feel the same when he learned that there was no hedging, I’d broken nearly every law of every country when it came to engaging with negotiating with terrorists and had no guilt whatsoever in doing it.

His whole election platform had been about doing the right thing, making decisions within the confines of the law and procedure, and working across party lines. He viewed vigilantism as undermining government stability. I couldn’t blame his views on his military career. He’d thought this way when I’d first met him. He’d always say, “If you don’t like the way things are run, then vote them out or work to pass new laws.”

The fact I’d engaged in espionage would be a hard pill for him to swallow.

He’d chiseled away so much of the protection I’d had surrounding my heart that I wasn’t sure I could handle his rejection.

Maybe it was better to focus on living out the terms of the agreement rather than risk giving him my love and having him turn his back on it.

Who are you kidding? He’s held your heart since you were eighteen. No wall you erect around your emotions will change how you feel about him.

Turning to my side, I looked at Ashur and caught him watching me.

“What are you thinking about so hard?” he asked.

No way was I going to tell him. I was feeling raw enough.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“I couldn’t sleep either.”

He moved over to me, caging me with his giant arms.

“Stop worrying. We’re married. We’ll figure out the details as we go. I’m sure this first lady thing will be a breeze compared to your pro-bono work.”

And then there was the other thing I’d tried to forget over the last week.

My new role.

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