Page 3 of My Promise To Keep

Her desk was large and neat, everything in its place. Framed pictures that faced her had me imagining the family smiling back at her. She wore a wedding ring; did she have a husband or a wife? Were there smiling children in those photographs — cats, dogs? Was she a widow?

Widow… I tried the word on for size. It didn’t fit.

That word was for elderly ladies. Women who had made a lifetime of memories with their significant other, women who had children and grandchildren. Not me. I was twenty-four. He was twenty-four, and he wasn’t making it to twenty-five.

I trained my eyes on the books behind the doctor as she spoke softly to my husband about treatment plans and end-of-life care.

Rare cancer journals and books about support and treatments and facing death were lined up neatly behind a vase of daisies and a contemporary white sculpture that looked a little like an infinity symbol from some angles. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I turned back to watch Luke as he absorbed her words.

This man. This amazing man was brave and strong, and I loved him so much. This wasn’t right.

We were only here because I hadn’t got pregnant. Four years without any birth control, and nothing was happening, so we saw a doctor. The cancer wasn’t the reason for us not getting pregnant, so they said, but those investigations led to the discovery of a tumor that we had missed for far too long.

‘Babies,’ I said quietly but loud enough that both pairs of eyes turned on me. I swallowed hard, but there was no moisture in my throat, and the dry, scratchy feeling was a stark reminder of the pain I was in. ‘Is there anything we can do so that I could have his baby?’

Luke’s face morphed into a pained expression, and he pulled his hand from mine to his lap. The disconnection was unsteadying.

‘We could potentially look at freezing his sperm, but you guys…’

‘No,’ he said firmly, and I moved to protest when he glared at me and shut it down. ‘No, Zoe.’

I didn’t say anything more. Not in the office, except a soft goodbye to the doctor. Not as we walked to his car, not on thedrive home, not on the walk up to our apartment, or even as he shut the door behind us, and I started to make us some tea.

‘I’m sorry.’ His arms wrapped around my waist as his chin rested on my shoulder, and I inhaled shakily. ‘I don’t want you to have my baby, Zo.’

I stilled in his arms, my hands freezing on the cups in front of me.

Luke released me, sensing my need to move, and I walked away from him to the living room area of our small open-plan apartment.

‘We’ve been trying to have a baby for four years.’

‘I’m dying, Zoe.’

‘But I’m not.’ The words came out as a heartbroken cry, and I dropped to my knees on the carpet and covered my face. Huge sobs and gasps for air broke free, bursting out of me as the pain of the situation became real. He was dying.

I felt his warmth, his hands on my arms as he pulled me into his lap, right there on the floor.

‘I don’t want you to have a dead man’s baby, Zoe. I want to have a family with you more than anything, but I want to be here to do that and make all the memories we talked about. I’m not going to get to do that, Zo, but you still can.’ He kissed the top of my head and wrapped his arms tighter around me. ‘You can still have that family, meet somebody else, fall in love again, create a family.’

‘No, no, I can’t.’ The idea of doing any of this life without him broke me.

‘Baby, you deserve to have the father of your kids there for pregnancy tests and ultrasounds, for labor and first steps, starting school and first dates, and all of those things that I won’t get to be there for. Your kids deserve that. I can’t leave knowing you’re going to have a baby I’ll never watch grow up. I can’t leave knowing I won’t be there to help you raise our child.’

I clung to him, hurting.

‘I won’t have anything left.’

‘Yes, you will. Zo, you have a whole life ahead of you. You have so many people who love you. You have your business and this life we made together here. We had a good run, baby, and we made some pretty special memories together. You’ll have those.’ He raised his hand to my chin and tipped my face up, but I couldn’t bear to open my eyes. ‘Zoe, look at me.’ Taking a breath, I forced myself to do as he asked. ‘You made my life more beautiful than I ever imagined it could be. I need you to promise me that you won’t let this break you. I need you to promise that you will move on, love again if it finds you, know that I want you to find love again, and don’t let any guilt in.’

‘Luke…’

‘Just promise me, baby, promise me you’ll live.’

For the first time since this nightmare began, tears welled in his eyes, and I watched them spill and fall as he blinked. I reached up to wipe them away with my thumbs, and he leaned in to press his forehead to mine.

‘I’m going to die, Zo, way sooner than either of us expected. The only way that’s going to get easier to bear is knowing you won’t crumble. I need to know you’ll get back up and keep grabbing life the way you always have. I need you to live, baby.’

‘Okay,’ I whispered to soothe the pain I saw in him. ‘I promise.’

---