Page 59 of My Mistake To Make

While Bo sleeps soundly in the tent behind me, I sit by the fire alone. Well, with a snoring golden retriever by my side. Music plays softly from my phone in my lap, and I look up at the sky. It’s a clear night. The moon is big and bright, and hundreds of stars punch holes in the dark. I love this—the quiet, the gentle embrace of the spring air, and the crackle of the fire. I have a beer in my hand, my music, and my baby girl just a few feet away.

I pick up my phone and open the photos, typing the date I want to go back to into the search bar. I breathe deeply as I look down at the tiny girl in my arms. The second she was born, everything became about her. Damn, I remember it all so clearly—the first time I held her, and my mom had to guide me through how to do it because it was awkward, and I was freaking out about hurting her or dropping her, but it was perfect. I cried my heart out once I got comfortable enough to actually look down at her. She was so small, even smaller in my arms than in the rest of her family’s. I loved that—the way she looked so safe with me because that will always be the place she’s the safest.

Her soft skin blew my mind and that smell. God, that baby smell is something else. I remember sitting there in that hospital chair, my mom and my sisters around me, my baby girl in my arms, and I was high on her, high on the euphoria of being her dad and loving her so much that I could hardly breathe from the weight of it. I was so high that I even considered whether Jessie and I could make it work—be a family. She’d asked me whileshe was pregnant, said we were always supposed to be together, and we’d be good, we’d make it work, we’d be happy. For Bowie, I wondered if that was true. I hoped for a time that it was, but my sisters delivered some hard truths that night. While my baby was still in the hospital with her mom and we went home to get some rest, Zoe and Bree reminded me who Jessie was. She had shown her true colors too many times to ignore them. Bo would be better off with us apart from the start than to have to hear us fighting and breaking up further down the line. They were right. The bullshit started just a few weeks after Bowie was born, and Jessie was ready to start partying again.

I wanted to be a hands-on dad, it was always going to be that way, but I hate that it’s on Jessie’s terms. I just want my kid.

Jessie isn’t a good mom. That’s a shitty thing to think. I know it is, but it’s true. She puts her own wants ahead of Bo constantly. If I’m not available to take Bo at the drop of a hat, she drops her off to Zoe at the bar, to Merv at the diner, Bree at the station, or to my mom at the vet practice where she works. And although Bo loves it because they’re her family and they shower her with an insane amount of love, she spends more time with us than with the mom she lives with, and who demands child support from me, even though I’m supporting my kid myself in my own time, under my mom's roof.

Jessie’s been alone a long time. Her mom died when she was a kid, and her dad about a decade ago, and he was a son of a bitch, so she hasn’t had it easy, but it’s no excuse. All through her pregnancy, she would say she should have got an abortion and that she only keptitfor child support. Then she’d say how she only kept the baby because she still loved me and wanted us to be together. It was always games with her. It’s always been like that as long as I’ve known her. Fact is, she doesn’t want to be a full-time mom, but keeping Bowie with her gives her something to use against me to get what she wants, so she won’t give her up.As long as she needs me, she needs Bo, and that’s why I have a fight on my hands.

I lift my bottle to my lips and realize it’s empty, so get up to grab another before flopping back into my chair. I pick up my phone and open the messages, scrolling to the thread to and from Jessie.

Jessie:Come and get your kid. I have plans.

Jessie:You need to get some work. You owe me money.

Jessie:I’m horny, come over…

Those ones come every now and again, but I never respond.

Jessie:Your kid is with your mom. I’m out of town.

Yourkid. Never our daughter. Never Bowie.Yourkid.Mine. I have got to get this shit done and dusted.

I back out of the thread and see the name I’m trying not to think about.

Cara.

The last messages were from a few days ago.

Me:Hey, Zo said you’ll be back in town tomorrow. Do you want to meet me up at the house, and I can walk you through the progress?

Jesus, I didn’t realize at the time how desperate I had been to see her; now I see it very clearly.

Cara:Yeah, that would be great. I should get back around 4.

Me:Great, sounds good. See you then.

I release a laugh, but there’s nothing funny about this. I really thought I had been doing okay staying away from her. I’d thought I’d been hiding my attraction to her, but I’m an idiot. It was as clear as a summer sky. I’d been the one texting her. I’d been the one chasing her down, pushing her to look at catalogs and discuss decisions that weren’t even close to urgent. I’d been the one to kiss her, the one to…

‘Ugh.’ I lean my head back and groan up at the sky. Years. Years of my life without so much as looking at a woman except in porn, and the first time I actually find myself into someone, really fucking into someone, I blow it all in a heartbeat.

Two nights away withmy girl were perfect. We cooked on the fire, walked through the forest, talked about nature, and laughed a lot. She’s such a funny little thing. She’s good for the soul. Now we’re back in Forest Falls and about to face my family, and I have no idea if my sisters know about the dick move I pulled a couple of nights ago.

‘Well, if it isn’t our baby brother,’ Zoe says as I climb out of the truck and walk around to get Bowie out of her seat.

‘How was your little getaway?’ Bree asks beside her, and I grind my teeth… They know.

‘Don’t start,’ I growl as I pass them on the porch, Bo hot on my heels.

‘Hey, sweetie, you have a good time with Daddy?’ They turn their attention to my daughter, and I take the opportunity to disappear inside the house.

While my mom and Bo are around, I know I’m safe from my sisters, but once the baby is in bed and Mama goes up for her bath, I’m screwed.

I consider getting in my truck and heading to the bar, but honestly, I don’t want to be anywhere near the cabins.

‘I’ll take Bowie up,’ Mama says, and I groan. ‘Then I’ll go for my bath, so we’ll say goodnight now.’

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