Page 65 of My Mistake To Make

God, Cara… I take another step.

‘The first man I had sex with told me I was too nervous, too quiet for him.’ She releases a laugh and shakes her head. ‘It was my first time, you know, but my inexperience was a problem for him, I guess. The guy after that stuck around a few months before he told me I was too strait-laced for him, and then there was Jamie. I spent years of my life with him, for him to just tell me I’m too boring and leave. I should be used to it, the rejection. I’ve had so much of it. Rejected by my grandparents, called a mistake by my own parents, pushed away by other kids, and discarded by boyfriends. It shouldn’t hurt anymore,’ her voice trembles, and her lip wobbles, ‘but nobody,’ she looks up at me and tries so hard not to let me see her hurt, but my heart lurches at the tears in her eyes, and the way she presses her lips together as she steadies herself with a breath, ‘nobody, my whole life, has ever,’ the last word was a whisper, strangled by emotion as she looks up to the ceiling again before blowing out a breath and bringing her gaze back to mine. ‘Nobody has ever made me feel as unwanted as you did.’

My breath rushes out of me as her eyes hold mine, and I watch the tears escape and roll down her cheeks before she swipes them away and looks down toward her feet.

‘I didn’t…’

‘I know it’s very silly. To most people, what happened is nothing, but it hurt, Doug. Maybe it’s because I wanted you to want me, really want me, more than I have ever wanted anyone to want me, actually. I wanted you. I thought you did want me, but then you left, and I’m embarrassed. I’m confused and humiliated, and I don’t think I will ever be able to forget how you made me feel.’

No, no. She has to understand.

‘You’re not unwanted, Cara.’ She turns her gaze up at me and opens her mouth to speak, but I continue. ‘I’ve never wanted anyone as much as I want you. I just panicked. It was shitty of me, but none of me leaving was because you were unwanted. If anything, it’s because I want you too much.’

I watch the rise and fall of her chest as she breathes deeply, and I take my chance, lowering to crouch in front of her.

'Please hear me out. I don’t expect your forgiveness, but I just need you to understand.’

She looks at me for a moment, then lowers her gaze and slides along the stair, making room for me to sit. I blow out a breath and move to sit next to her. Do not fuck this up, Doug.

‘Bowie’s mom was my first girlfriend, only girlfriend, really. I’ve known her my whole life, and she was always difficult, but not with me, not until we were a year and a half in. We got together when we were fifteen, started sleeping together soon after, and not long after that, she started cheating on me.’ I feel her eyes on me, but I face forward and continue. ‘We didn’t have a lot of money when I was a kid. I still don’t.’ I huff out a laugh at the reality of that. ‘We had enough, you know, but enough wasn’t enough for her. She wanted more. Her dad was an asshole who taught her to use everything she had as a woman to get everything she wanted out of life. She was trying to catch one of the guys who had more than me, using her body as bait, but they only wanted a bite, so she came back to me.The first time I found out, I forgave her, much to my family’s dismay. The second time, even if I’d wanted to forgive her, my sisters wouldn’t have let it happen, but I was done. I went to college and didn’t plan on coming back here. Then I came home for Christmas one year, got completely shitfaced, and Bowie happened.’ I shake my head at the memories. I love my baby, but her fucking mother…

‘Truth is, I used Jessie that night, and I’m not proud. I knew she wouldn’t say no to me, that’s why I went to her, and the next thing I know, I’m sitting in a hospital holding a tiny baby who looks like me.’

Cara’s knees shift slightly in my direction, and I know she’s really listening to what I’m saying as she’s turned her body my way.

‘Jessie is difficult,’ I laugh, ‘understatement of the century. She’s a complete bitch, and I don’t use that word lightly. She uses Bowie against me to get what she wants. She drops her on me with no notice, and if I’m not around, she drops her on my family and heads out of town to, I assume, bag herself a man who can give her everything she wants. She wants a big house, status, expensive jewelry and vacations, and designer clothes.’

I mirror Cara’s posture and turn to look her in the eye, finding her watching me intently.

‘She says to me, often, that if she hears a word of me even being interested in another woman, she’ll take Bowie and run, and I’ll never see them again.’

‘Doug,’ she gasps and looks horrified.

‘I don’t know if she’d actually do it, but the thought of losing my girl has had me running scared for five years. I haven’t so much as looked at another woman in that time. Then you show up, and I can’t seem to stop looking.’

She inhales sharply, and I try to ignore the kick it gives me.

‘The other night, with you, there was nowhere else I wanted to be, and believe me, I did not want to leave. I wanted to stay all night and keep making you feel that way, but I panicked. Something in the back of my mind suddenly screamed at me,she’s going to know, and I had these visions of finding them gone and never seeing Bo again. I freaked out and ran. I’m so sorry, Cara. I never wanted to make you feel anything other than incredible.’

She exhales, and I turn to find her watching me.

‘That’s awful. I understand why that must be really scary.’

‘It is. It’s not an excuse. There’s no excuse for running out on you that way, but it’s my explanation.’

She nods and grabs the banister, pulling herself up to stand and turning to face me.

‘So what’s your plan?’ she says, and I blink. I wasn’t expecting the question.

‘Um, what plan?’

‘You can’t keep living in fear like this. You need to do something.’ She looks energized like she’s elated at having a problem to solve. I’m transfixed. She’s amazing.

‘I plan on getting a lawyer and getting custody of my kid, but I have to have all the money ready to go before I let Jessie know that’s what I want. I need to be ready to go so she doesn’t just run before I can fight her.’

‘I’ll give you the money.’ She stands still, looking me dead in the eye. She’s serious. ‘I mean it.’

‘Cara,’ I push up from the stairs, and her gaze follows me as I rise. ‘I have got to do this myself. You hiring me to fix up this place helps more than I can say. I need to get a place, a house or an apartment, somewhere with two bedrooms so that I can make a home for Bowie. I can’t tell a court I’m ready to care for her full-time when I’m living with my mom. But I’m not taking anything I haven’t earned.’

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