Page 152 of Tangled Up In You

“Listen, I want to apologize for all the shite I’ve put you through,” Gavin started. He knew he had no right to start anywhere but with this. He owed his friend his honesty and contrition.

“What shite would that be?” Shay asked. “Not returning my calls or texts? Not showing up to half a dozen band meetings? Not following through on any fucking thing for months now?”

“You’re right. You’re exactly right. I’ve fucked up.” Gavin didn’t shy away from making eye contact. “I let you down. I’m sorry, Seamus.”

Shay was silent.

Gavin knew his cocaine use had hit Shay hard. Seeing his friend, the person he revered and relied on, turn into a sketchy drug abuser had to be a huge blow. And even though Gavin was saying the right things now, it had to be hard for Shay to trust him. Shay had spent too many years being manipulated by his heroin-addicted brother to take Gavin’s word at face value now.

“You can rest assured that all that is done with,” Gavin continued.

“All that?”

Gavin could see that Shay wanted him to finally admit to him he had been doing drugs, to give him that honesty. He was ready. Doing so was a relief, actually.

“Coke. I’m done with it. I’m clean. Have been for about a month.”

“Glad to hear that,” Shay said, with only a hint of sarcasm.

As had been the case for as long as he could remember from almost everyone he knew, forgiveness was forming fast. He never understood what it was about him that solicited this benevolence, but he was especially grateful for it now.

“I know I’ve been a crap friend, Seamus. I’m aware of my shortcomings. And I’m committed to actually dealing with them now instead of running away.”

“Well, I know it’s been tough what you’ve had to go through. I do understand to an extent.”

Gavin smiled. “Thanks, man. Thing is, I can sort out the situation with my mother. I can deal with what a bastard I was to you and the others. But something else has happened. And I?—”

He had to stop when he started to tear up. This display of emotion wasn’t unusual. He had never hidden the fact that he felt things deeply. It had made him an incredible songwriter and singer. But Shay must have seen something more worrisome than strong emotions because he leaned forward in response. “What is it, Gav?”

Gavin opened his mouth, then stopped. “Fuck’s sake, I don’t want to even say it aloud.” He took a deep breath and Shay waited. “Sophie told me she slept with Conor. Once. She says.”

Shay looked away for a moment, then sat back.

“You don’t actually look surprised by it.”

“I don’t know what to think, Gav.”

“I think you do, though.”

Shay was an observer, a watcher. He was the opposite of Gavin in that he preferred to sit back and enjoy the gregariousness of others rather than try to be the spectacle. Gavin suspected he had seen a connection between Conor and Sophie that Gavin had been willfully blind to.

But apparently Shay wouldn’t twist that knife by admitting his insight. Instead, he asked, “Where do things stand now?”

“Thing of it is,” Gavin said, shaking his head, “we had gotten together in L.A. and things were feeling good for the first time in so long. Then she tells me that a couple weeks ago they ….” He cleared his throat. “But she says it was a one-time thing, that she wants to be with me.”

“You don’t believe her?”

He twisted his wedding ring to the left, then to the right and back to the middle again, a tic of restlessness. “I think I do. Problem is, it feels like there’s more to it. I feel like an idiot now that I think about it, but it’s pretty obvious Conor’s been in love with her for a long time. And I can’t be sure that she didn’t fall in love with him.”

Shay took a sip of tea as he thought. “So the worst part is thinking that even though she wants to be with you, she may have had feelings for Conor?”

“It makes me sick to my stomach to think of it, Seamus. I mean, I know I fucked up with that stripper and she let it go, but for Christ’s sake it was nothing like this. Nothing.” Gavin picked up his mug and held it for a moment, staring down at the remnants before taking a drink. He had ordered himself a regular black coffee. “This is,” he continued, “a betrayal of the heart from my two best friends.”

“It is indeed,” Shay agreed. “But you’ve got to decide what’s most important, and what you’re willing to do to keep whatever that is alive.”

“What would you do?”

“I can’t say, Gavin. I don’t know how it really feels,” Shay said.

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