Page 17 of Tangled Up In You

“It’s okay,” she said, her voice gentle and soothing. “You were dreaming. But you’re okay. You’re here in my room.”

“Oh, fuck,” he said and put his hands over his closed eyes.

“What was the dream about?”

“What?”

“What were you dreaming about?”

“Oh. Em, it was about my ma.”

“Do you want to tell me about it? Maybe it’ll help?”

He dropped his hands, took a deep breath, and looked at her. “No, there’s nothing to be done.”

“Well, I mean, sometimes it’s better to share. To sort of get it out of your head.”

“That won’t ever happen.”

“I didn’t mean you’d forget her. Of course, you won’t Gavin. She’s your mother and losing her will never get easier. I understand that. I just thought if you could talk about it?—”

“It’s fine. I’m fine. It was just a dream, Sophie.”

She nodded and silence fell heavily between them.

“Can I ask how it happened?”

“Car accident,” he said quickly.

“I’m so sorry. I get that you don’t want to talk about it. But if you ever do?—”

“She’s not dead, though.”

She felt the color drain from her face with this revelation. “What?”

He glanced at her and then turned his eyes up to the ceiling. “I tell everyone I lost her. If they ask more, like you just did, I say it was a car accident. But that’s not the whole truth. The truth is that my mother abandoned me. She abandoned our family. I haven’t seen her since I was seven. But as far as I know, she’s alive. She’s living her life somewhere without us.”

“I … I don’t know what to say.” How could she respond to this confession? To know that he’d suffered such a traumatic episode when he was just a boy made her immeasurably sad.

He smiled weakly. “Yeah, it’s fucked up. The accident part is true. Her car was hit by a lorry on a rainy day. She had my baby sister with her. My sister died,” he said and Sophie gasped. He didn’t react and continued speaking as if on autopilot.

“My ma was a bit banged up but nothing too serious. But I guess when she was in hospital recovering she couldn’t accept that Nora was gone. She worked herself up until one of the nurses took pity and let her see the body. But that sent her over the edge. She left against medical advice, and we haven’t seen her since.”

“Gavin,” she said softly but he kept his eyes on the ceiling. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for your loss. The loss of your sister. The loss of your mother.”

“She’s getting herself right. I’m sure of it. She just needs time to sort herself, then she’ll be back.”

Sophie was struck by this. He was saying that he hadn’t given up hope for her return even though she’d leftnine yearsago, when he was seven. It was an odd, enduring, kind of denial. But it wasn’t her place to argue against it, especially when he continued.

“Yeah, she’s doing her own bit of grieving. I don’t know what it’s like to lose a child. It seems like the least I can offer is some grace for her to get through it and find her way back. Ian and my da, they don’t even talk about her. They can’t conceive of giving her the space she needs. But I can. I do.”

“That’s really generous,” she said, opting to support him with his rationalization since it seemed to be what he needed.

He turned on his side to face her again. “Thing is I’m in great fucking company with this.”

“What does that mean?”

“I realized early on that I had something in common with some of the very best musicians because they’ve also lost their mothers or been rejected by them.”

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