Page 97 of Tangled Up In You

Sophie had been burning out on the tour life and starting to crave something of her own by the time the third tour extension was being discussed. She hated to admit it, but her mother had been right when she questioned if she was ready to be married to a famous person who might overshadow her. Being Gavin’s wife made her happy, but she realized she needed the personal reward of something that was hers.

At that point, going back to college seemed like too much of a downgrade. So, when she and Gavin were taking a quick trip to the Italian island of Capri before the tour resumed and she was scouted by a French modeling agent named Henri de Chavannes, she was ready to explore the idea.

Gavin hadn’t liked it, however.

“You were just being kind to the man, right?” he’d asked when Henri gave them his card and left their table at a restaurant overlooking the Bay of Naples and the Amalfi Coast.

“I don’t know,” she’d said. “It might be fun.”

“What—being a clothes hanger? Come on, darlin’. You’re better than that. What about your studies?”

“I can always go back to school, no matter how old I am. But if I want to be with you at a moment’s notice, or even try something fun like modeling, I have to take advantage now.”

“You don’t have to do anything.”

“Except seize the moment.”

He shook his head but smiled at her call-back. He’d spontaneously jumped into the water inside the Grotta Azzurra during their boat tour even though it was technically illegal to do so in the tourist attraction. He’d begged her to seize the moment and join him.

“You could stay on tour with us if you’re not going to go back to school.”

“Gavin, I think … this is something I just need to explore, you know? I need to see if it’s something that feels right.”

He looked out at the deep blue sea. The sunshine glittered on the water like fallen stars. It was breathtaking. But she knew he wasn’t really taking in the view. She could see him struggling. He didn’t like being without her. But more than that, he didn’t like sharing her with anyone else. He had made that clear ever since they got back together. She was proposing that she do both things.

When he finally spoke, she was relieved by what he said because it meant that though he had his misgivings, he was willing to trust her.

“Okay, darlin’,” he’d said resignedly, “do what you will. I want you to be happy.”

It had been a solid year of her working hard at any job she could get before she was taken seriously. At first, the modeling world seemed to want to reject her because of being Gavin’s wife. No one wanted to make her entry into the industry appear as some kind of favor to the famous singer. But she didn’t mind proving them all wrong and soon built up a reputation for herself as the real deal.

And if she got the cover of SI, she’d be right where she wanted to be.

59

SOPHIE

Sophie was looking forward to joining Gavin in São Paulo, where Rogue was to play Lollapalooza in support ofGone, their fourth album. They had an agreement that they would never go more than three weeks without seeing each other but because Gavin couldn’t easily leave the tour, she was often the one to go to him. She would stay on for their next stop in Argentina, too.

The band had followed up their blockbuster second albumThat Needwith the critically acclaimed Dream State. The breakout single of that album had been another confessional hit. In “Slip Away” Gavin admitted his fear of losing the connection he had with his wife since she seemed to “slip away” into her separate life of modeling. He also admitted his jealousy and anxiety over having to share her with the world.

Fans were obsessed with his romantic vulnerability, especially as the song became the natural soundtrack to her modeling career.

Rogue went right back into the studio after theSlip Awaytour to recordGone. It was their darkest effort and the first of their albums to receive mediocre reviews, but it still earned a decent place in the charts. The single “The Truest Thing” was the biggest hit, once again because fans couldn’t get enough of the naked honesty of Gavin’s lyrics and insight into his relationship with Sophie.

In that song, Gavin posed the question, “What do you do when everything you ever wanted isn’t enough?” alluding to the fact that though Rogue was an enormous success in every conceivable way, he still felt empty. Though he didn’t explicitly state it in the song, his mother was still the big hole in his life and her lack of contact with him was getting harder to bear. His fame felt hollow given he had pursued it in part so that his mother might have an easier time reaching out to him. He turned even more to Sophie to fill the void, and this song claimed she was the only true thing in his life, while everything else was artifice.

With other songs, Gavin vented his frustrations. In “Lies (Baby, They’re All Lies),” he wrote about the lies we tell ourselves to get through the day and was especially hard on himself. And with “Do It (Til It Hurts),” he employed a familiar tactic of allowing his lyrics to have two meanings—the surface level that appeared sexual in nature, and the deeper level that had nothing to do with such things. In this song he goaded himself to keep doing what he was, which was basically beating his head against a wall. He was increasingly numb to the riches and adulation and fame they had achieved because it didn’t change the aching loss he felt from never having a resolution with his mother. Yet, he was paralyzed from doing anything about it, no matter how Sophie tried to convince him to be proactive in finding her.

She knew this tour had been a different kind of emotional drain on him because of how much energy he put into singing those songs every night. He wasn’t someone who could just put on a performance. Hefeltevery word.

The Lollapalooza show would be him putting himself out there on an even grander scale with the expected crowd of over 100,000. It also meant that Gavin was busy doing media for it when Sophie arrived at the hotel. She resigned herself to exploring the city on her own until he was free.

With São Paulo being the densely populated financial center of the country and not near beaches, she chose a trip to the Museum of Art. The concierge of the hotel where they were staying let her know that it was possible to walk to the museum and was giving her directions when Conor spotted her. He had just come back from a run, sweat still dripping down his temples in the humid weather.

“Where are you off to?” he asked, and she told him her plan. “And you’re walking? By yourself?”

Sophie laughed. “Yes. I tend to do that quite often and am pretty successful at it. You know, renowned fashion designers even pay me to do it down a runway at times?”

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