Page 54 of Heartless

But the cancer was aggressive. At this point we all were silently hoping that all of this wouldn’t be in vain and the baby could have a chance of living as his mother so desperately wanted.

“Parker?” The doctor's soft voice sounded too far away for the small room we were stuffed in. “Would you like to see the baby?”

I didn’t but I had said as much once and the pain in Franny’s eyes had gutted me. So I reluctantly watched my son on the monitor on every checkup ever since and willed my heart not to love him. Not when he was the reason Franny didn’t want to get a treatment. Not when I would probably have to bury him too.

Franny needed me to be a decent human being, so I approached the second monitor that hung on the wall, my back to Franny and the doctor. My eyes burned and I thanked the God I didn’t believe in, but hated anyway, that Franny couldn’t see the tears in my eyes.

The way I saw it I had only two things left to do. Ease my wife’s agony as much as I could and not let her see my suffering.

The image of my child disappeared from the monitor and I closed my eyes. Warmth dripped down on both sides of my face and I clenched my jaw. “I will be right back.”

I exited the room and as soon as I closed the door behind me Ryan and Jessica stood up from their chairs lined along the wall. They both saw the tears streaming down my face, but I didn’t care.

Jess gave me a quick hug. “Take a break, Parker. I’ll stay with her.” Then she slid into the room.

“Is she staying?” Ryan asked.

I shook my head. “The doctor advised her to stay, but she wants to go home. I know it’s selfish of me but I want her home too. I would lose my mind if she stays here. I would constantly wonder if she…”

I couldn’t even say the word out loud. She was slipping. And I couldn’t even say it.

“Mom and I can move in. We will help and you wouldn’t be alone,” his voice broke with the last word.

“It’s my job to take care of her, Ryan.”

“She’s my sister,” he argued. “Mom says she wants to be close.”

“That’s because Jessica can feel it too.”

“Feel what?”

“That the end is near.”

“Don’t say that,” Ryan said through clenched teeth. “He’s too small. He won’t make it.”

“I can’t think about him now.”

“What?”

“I need some air,” I started walking towards the elevators.

“I’ll come with you.”

“No. Stay here. Just call me when she’s ready to leave.”

I stepped into the elevator and pressed the button for the ground floor. The knowledge that Franny's time was running out gnawed at me, a constant ache in my chest that threatened to consume me whole.

For half an hour I walked aimlessly around the parking lot, trying to tame the rage inside me. Rage at me, for failing to convince her to terminate the pregnancy and get treatment. Rage at Franny for wanting the baby more than she wanted to have a chance at living. Rage at the doctors for not being able to keep her alive long enough for her to have a chance to spend some time with the baby she was so fiercely fighting for.

The weight of the impending loss crushed down on me like a ton of bricks, threatening to suffocate me.

I sat down on a curbstone, taking deep breaths when a shadow appeared on the pavement before me. I turned to see Jessica standing right beside me.

“How are you holding up?” She asked softly, and I knew I had no right to do that to her, since it was her daughter dying, but I needed a shoulder to cry on.

I broke down in tears and she sat down beside me, wrapping me in a tight hug, crying with me.

At some point, Ryan called and said Franny was ready to go. He offered to carry her out but I refused as I always did. She was my wife. My responsibility. And those were the last weeks of her life. I wanted to hold her as much as I could.

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