Page 109 of Creed

She tilted her head like she was confused over my lack of concern. “You’re welcome.” She turned and walked away.

I didn’t think much of it. Nicole abandoned me, tortured my father’s weak mind, kept me from her family, and only cared once she learned my dad died and I inherited his fortune. Not once did she hop on a plane to see me. Not once did she ask about my life. Everything was always about her and only her. One little melt down wasn’t going to persuade me to help her take what little her parents had left. I didn’t know them, but they were elderly and deserved better from their daughter. All I wanted was to spend every moment possible with my girls. Nicole needed to leave me alone.

I was done eating before she returned and sat across from me.

“You look like shit.” I pointed out. Her eyes were puffy, and she had almost no color left.

She nodded. “I guess that’s to be expected when the reality of your own behavior smacks you across the face. Not just once, but twice this week alone. I don’t want a thing from you, Creed. I don’t want the farm, and I don’t want your money. I know the way I approach people can turn them off, and I was cold to you when I’ve called you. I am not a good woman. I have three beautiful sons I don’t deserve. I have a husband that has dealt with my behavior for years, and the love of my life was killed in a plane crash. My selfishness almost ruined him, and I did indeed abandon you. It may have taken me twenty five yearsto see the error of my ways, and a cancer diagnosis, but the farm was never the reason I came to Indiana. Yes I was upset Kenny was buying the farm, but that was because it was never discussed with me. I was left out of that decision, and I see now why that’s the case. I made peace with my parents before I left Indiana, and I will return. Jonathan is upset by my diagnosis, but I guess I can say we both did some reflecting. It’s time you hear the truth about my marriage to your father, and that’s all I wanted to accomplish today.”

I leaned forward. “Did you say cancer diagnosis?”

She nodded. “I never smoked a thing in my life, but I guess lung cancer isn’t reserved just for smokers. They say I have a chance, but the more I reflect I can see that I have problems. Something isn’t right with my personality. None of this is an excuse. I wanted to meet with you so I can tell you in person and apologize. Hearing the true story about my marriage with your father won’t save our relationship, but I think it will help you more than anything.” She started to cry again. “I wasn’t expecting to hear what was happening with you. I wanted to help you, not hurt you.” She wiped away a tear.

“Okay, and what’s this true story of yours?” I wasn’t sure if I could believe a word she said.

“Your father was not weak, and what you saw in him wasn’t just about me. It was about her.”

I tilted my head. “Her?”

She nodded. “I am everything you think I am. I’m selfish, never wanted to live another day on that farm, and I had nothing to offer anyone, until I did. Then it became too much.” She paused and took in a deep breath before letting it out. “Her name was Elizabeth. She was everything I could never be, andshe loved your father the way he deserved. When Elizabeth was in the room, nobody else existed. She was all he ever saw. He was such a handsome man. Older, but refined and set in his ways. We were both younger. Elizabeth’s brother played hockey for your grandfathers team, and Kenny loves hockey. I met Elizabeth years ago when her brother played hockey at Indiana University. I was with friends visiting and Elizabeth and I became friends. She met your father when her brother moved to Chicago to play professional. They were in love, but your father was much older. He was very hesitant to get involved with her, but when they did get involved they both fell hard. They kept their relationship a secret, but she told me all about it. Well, she became pregnant, he proposed and then the truth came out. Everyone learned about them and her family did not have the reaction she wanted. They argued, she took off in her car and crashed.” She paused again. “I lost the best friend I ever had that night.” She cried. “But I was still selfish. A few months after her death, Kenny sang at a hockey game in Chicago, and that’s when I saw him. He took my breath away, but he wasn’t the same man Elizabeth loved. He was harsh and drank way too much. His father was at his wits end.”

“Wait, she was pregnant?” I asked.

Nicole nodded. “Twelve weeks.” She hugged herself like she was admitting a painful truth. “I met your father and saw dollar signs. He met me and associated me with Elizabeth. He got drunk one night, we slept together, and I got pregnant with you.”

I didn’t know what to think. “So, you did marry him for money?”

“I married him because he had everything I needed. I had to get out of that small town, I was young and pregnant, buthe was so beautiful. Yes, I liked his money and that was my focus at first, but then I felt you move. You were so active, and right away I knew you would be something amazing for this world. I’d look at your father and see the strongest and most brilliant man in the world. I fell so hard for him, and he got better with time. He was so excited about you. He wanted you so badly and maybe that helped me fall even deeper in love with him. I believe he loved me, but nothing like the way he loved Elizabeth. He would whisper her name when he made love to me, I found letters he was still writing her, and he would disappear for days at a time. I finally learned he was in Indiana visiting her grave. I read those letters and the one that hurt the most was the one he said he wished she was the one pregnant with you. I knew he was grieving, and it all happened with us before he was ready. I can’t describe the guilt that hit me every time he whispered her name in his sleep. He would have nightmares and scream for her. I tried to leave one night. I offered a divorce with no alimony or child support of he just let us go. I told him I could raise you on my own without his help. Being pregnant with you humbled me. There wasn’t anything in this world that mattered more than the baby I was carrying. I made a huge mistake, and my selfishness landed me in a world of the most guilt and grief a woman could feel. She was my best friend, and I betrayed her and took advantage of your father’s grief. I did it all to myself.”

“Why didn’t you divorce him?” Things were starting to make sense.

“He got on his knees and begged me to stay. He said I was his only sanity left, and he wanted us to be a family, and I broke down and told him the truth. That I targeted him for his wealth but then I fell in love. I knew I didn’t deserve his love. I felt too guilty to stay and I regretted taking advantage of him. I left and went to California. He hunted me down and begged meto come home. Said that he loved me and would never let me walk away. I agreed and we decided to try and make it work. But then you were born and my God, you were so perfect. He was so happy, and it was like you healed him of all that grief. He wouldn’t put you down for anything, not even for me to breast feed you when he was home. I pumped and he fed you. I no longer existed. I was only needed while he was at work. I wasn’t jealous of you, I loved you so much it scared me. I was losing you to him. One night I woke up and he was holding you in the nursery. I listened to all the promises he was making. Then it changed. He was telling you a story about the most beautiful angel named Elizabeth. That she was meant to be the best mother in the world until she was taken away from him. He apologized to you for not giving you a better mother. He said I was selfish, and all the ladies of high society laughed at me, but they all would have loved his sweet angel, Elizabeth. The next day I filed for divorce again, but he begged and pleaded. He reminded me of the prenuptial agreement and that I would lose you.” She reached in her handbag and slid some papers wrapped in a blue one toward me. “I was pregnant, young, selfish, and stupid when we got married. I signed that thinking I’d never need a divorce. Read it.”

I reluctantly opened it and read it through. It stated if a divorce occurred, my father would get custody of any children born into their marriage. There it was, my father’s signature.

“This does not excuse my selfishness. I want to make that clear. After agreeing to stay once again he got better, for awhile, but then it was like a switch flipped inside me. This protective armor came up around me and I began acting out. Very much like I did as a child. I demanded attention, I became…I don’t know…I think you were around three when I began distancing myself. I knew I already lost you. He always said he loved meand needed me to stay, but he might have been saying some of that as a truth, but then I had a miscarriage. Everything shut off at that point. I didn’t want to feel anymore. I felt so guilty because it was a little girl, and I knew my lies resulted in that miscarriage. I had myself convinced it was karma. I was five months pregnant, and I became lost in myself. Your father hired your nanny, and I was an after thought. I left again and ran to my brother, but that time I met someone. There was nobody else in his life. He had no children, he even liked my flaws. He didn’t know about you. He knew about your father but not you. I was too numb, and I couldn’t let him see my selfishness to that extent. You were better off with your father. I made every excuse as to why I could leave you. I was shut off, my emotions went numb when it came to you. I didn’t want to love you anymore because of those papers in your hand. The only emotion I had left to give when it came to that situation was my hatred for your father, but that hatred was born from love, and I still love him to this day. I left and he offered me more money not to ever come back.” She reached into her purse and handed me another set of papers. “This is our divorce agreement. It shows what he offered me.” She slid me an envelope with my father’s handwriting on it. “This is his last letter to me. He mailed it to me the day he made the attempt.”

She sat quietly as I read through the divorce agreement. Then I opened the letter.

Dearest Nicole,

You are and always will be my wife. I love you, and I know I’ve created the woman you are today. I withheld our son from you, and now I’ve lost everything. It’s been three years and the ghost of you is still with me. You’re married to him now, and I have to let you go, which is the hardest damn thingI have ever done. I put a ghost before you, and I destroyed you. It’s too late to fix what I broke with us, and that nearly kills me every single day. I can’t live with all the grief I suffer from any longer. I lost Elizabeth, our child, then you and our daughter. I am the reason our baby girl died. I put too much stress on you, and made you think our loss was your fault. Grief is a powerful thing and I’m sorry my grief for Elizabeth slowly killed what good you had inside you. He will need you now. Please come home and get him. Be the mother I never allowed you to be, he deserves better than what I can give him. I love you, and I hurt you, but please don’t blame him.

I decided not to read the rest and looked up at her. “Why didn’t you come?”

“I had my bags in the car and Jonathan was driving toward the airport when your father called. He survived the attempt and decided to stick to our agreement. I filed for custody the next day, but it didn’t make it far. I signed those papers. I did all the damage, not him. He was a broken man, and I took advantage of him. This…” She pointed at the papers. “Was the result of my actions. I was nineteen when I got pregnant with you. He was thirty four, and I still had the maturity of a spoiled child.”

Jesus, dad! Nineteen? What the fuck? “You could have reached out when I was eighteen.” I didn’t understand, but was also hung up on the fact that my mother was only what…fifty? I had operatives older than her.

Her eyes grew. “What right did I have to do that? I left you, I made the choices I made, and I am not a good mother. Not to you or your brothers. Now I’m sick and it’s too late. The damage is done.” She reached over and put her hand over the papers. “I am not showing you this to gain your sympathy. I’msick and this might be my last chance to be a good mother. You need to know that you are worth loving. That your mother might be selfish, but she loves you. Definitely not the way you wanted, but you are in here.” She patted her hand over her heart. “I was never good at making friends, and I’m a greedy woman. You didn’t deserve that kind of mom. You deserved the mother I was when I first brought you home from the hospital.”

I stared at her and was still back on the whole age gap thing. I knew he was older, but shit. Nineteen years old? He was older than I was at that time. I couldn’t imagine screwing around with a nineteen year old. It was actually kind of twisted and sick.

“I’m still stuck on your age. What the hell was he doing screwing around with a child?”

She tilted her head. “Elizabeth was four months older than me.”

I had to shove that back to process later. “So, was this truly your motive today or was it to destroy his image in my eyes?”

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