Page 56 of Piece By Piece

His words hit me in the chest like shards of broken glass and I can’t hide the puff of breath that swooshes out of me. His unspoken meaning is more than clear to me, no matter that he’s too polite to spell it out for me.

I’ve been acting like a live-in hooker. He thinks I’ve been doing those things to him as a way to make up for not paying rent. While I’ve been looking forward to waking up and being close to him again, knowing I’ll get just as muchpleasure from it as him, he’s been worried that I had some demeaning ulterior motive.

I swallow, feeling sick. It’s not like he did anything wrong. I don’t know why I’m even taking this so badly. I guess it’s just harsh to have something you thought was good turn into something so ugly.

I keep my emotions off my face, determined not to make myself seem even more pathetic. If Sebastian truly thinks I’d go so far to feel like less of a burden, he doesn’t know me how I thought he did. He doesn’t have to deal with my sentimentalities.

I smile weakly, acting like I found this misunderstanding amusing. I take his hand atop mine with my free one, patting it twice before I push it off my other. “I know that, Seb. That’s not why I’ve been sucking you off every morning. That has everything to do with wanting to feel you shudder and writhe beneath me. Nothing else,” I tell him, ignoring his slight flinch at my vulgar words. Then, I get to my feet, no matter how that may betray my act.

“I’m beat, I’ll just take a shower and go to bed.” Before I can walk away, his hand is on my wrist, holding me in place. He’s frowning slightly.

“I didn’t mean to offend you or imply anything,” he tries to assure me. I gently free myself of his grip.

“I know. I’m just really tired.” He doesn’t look convinced.

“Are you okay? Did something happen at your parents’? You seemed a little shaken when you returned.”

“Same old,” I reply honestly, knowing that he doesn’t know what that even means. We haven’t talked about my parents since I spilled half my secrets after Lily’s party.

Resigned, Seb concedes, “Right. I’ll be up later.”

By the time Sebastian’s birthday rolls around, nothing has changed between us. I still wake him up with an orgasm whenever we have the time, but I still haven’t let him touch me. I know he wants to. The desire to reach out, maybe flip us around and finally kiss me is written all over his face whenever our eyes meet.

The only difference is my withering restraint. Whenever I’m cooking something and he steps up behind me, bracing his hands left and right of me as he leans over my shoulder to see what I’m preparing, I fight the urge to step back against him. To beg him to touch me too.

Even worse, so much worse, was the time I was completely drained after a full day at work and a long visit at my parents’. I came home that night, barely able to stay on my feet and Seb stepped up to me without hesitation, lifting me in his arms and carrying me upstairs. He prepared the tub for me, helped me strip with my consent, and then took charge of getting me clean.

I will never forget how gentle his fingers were in my hair and on my skin as he leathered me up with soap. During all of that, we didn’t talk. I just closed my eyes and soaked it up, trusting him completely. He didn’t so much as try to make it sexual, and I have no inhibition about him having seen me naked.

That night, I feel asleep in his arms as usual. The next morning, after I made him come once, I took a quick shower before getting back into his bed and teasing him until he was ready for another round.

It’s bad enough that my reasons against it are being erased from my mind. There are times where I don’t remember why I’m so stubborn at all. The onlyreason why I haven’t caved yet is because I know that at some point, before my hormones took over, I had very valid arguments against letting him touch me like that.

Honestly though, this morning after Seb came down my throat, never taking his eyes from mine, he caressed my face tenderly and I nearly jumped his bones right then.

Instead, I dragged myself out of the house, saying I was going shopping. Which I am, though shopping seems less fitting than just longingly looking through the shops’ windows as I wander through the mall. No matter how tempting it is, I can’t let myself enter a store. I barely have any money saved even without having to pay my own rent, and spending that on shopping would be idiotic.

That remains my firm belief until I pass a lingerie store and spot a matching set of lace underwear in the most stunning dark green teal. My steps falter and I allow myself to envision myself in it. Envision Sebastian’s reaction to me wearing it.

He told me once that his favorite color was dark green because it reminded him of his runs in the forest. It doesn’t take a genius to realize those runs are his save haven, a time where he can let go and relax, even as he pushes himself to the limit.

Seeing that matching set, I can’t help but think it’s a sign. I mean, really, how often do you stumble across that color in clothing items?

Before I can overthink it, I walk inside the store, pick my size, and try it on. It’s love at first sight. I haven’t felt like myself in a while but here, standing in front of that mirror wearing perfectly-fitted lingerie, I recognize myself. The party girl that enjoyed the attention of strangers so much. Enjoyed the attention of anyone, really, as long as it was good-natured.

I don’t let myself dwell on it. Not when my heart is still racing excitedly. I buy the matching set and walk out of the store with new-found anticipation for this evening. Sebastian’s not throwing a party. He said he doesn’t like his birthday that much and it’s a Tuesday, after all. He has school to attend the next morning.

That means I have him to myself tonight. And yes, I shouldn’t, but I know exactly what I signed up for when I bought that set.

So what if I give in and let him touch me? The tension between us has been building for long enough. More than that, I know he cares about me, and I’m not so scared he’ll ditch me once he’s had me anymore. I doubt things would be weird between us if we slept together. I don’t think there’s a reason to panic about the possible change.

We’re both adults. It’ll be fine. At least I know where we both stand. He told me he has no interest in something serious so if I let us take the step, nothing will change. We’ll remain friends with benefits.

I repeat that to myself all the way home, trying to quell my lingering worry.

When I get home, I’m relieved that Sebastian isn’t here yet. I put my new clothes into the washer and then take a shower, do my hair, and dress in my new, clean underwear, throwing on a tight dress over that.

I’m just finishing up my makeup when Sebastian comes into the bathroom. He startles when he sees me, and I meet his eyes in the mirror, smiling. “Hey. How was your day?” I ask, happy to be the one to ask it first this time.

---