Page 30 of Speechless

“Sorry, sorry. I didn’t mean . . . I’m sure your balls are great. Small. The perfect size. Fuck. Please just—don’t look at me.” Lucy’s laughter has converted to plump tears streaming down her face while she tries to hide behind her hands.

“It’s fine, really. How would you erm, like me to make them smaller?” The smirk I’m attempting to hide is clearly visible and she swats me with a dish towel.

“Eh, screw it. They’ll all just meld together and we can have one huge cookie. Then there’s no way to count how many we actually eat!” She beams as she takes a little celebratory hop and it knocks the wind out of me. But then she truly takes my breath away when she raises the spatula with extra batter up toward my lips. “You’ve earned it.”

Our eyes lock for just a moment. Her smile is so genuine, her eyes bright and clear. I’m utterly transfixed as I take a small bite. Lucy is feeding me and this small act feels momentous somehow. There’s a level of intimacy here I’ve never felt before and I can sense my heartbeat quicken. I can’t look away from her face.

But the spell is suddenly broken when Rowan jumps up to steal my prize.

“He can’t eat this right?”

“No, but I saved some sans chocolate for him. Come here Row—get your Treat-O!”

Lucy insistsI tell all the guys that there’s freshly baked biscuits for them. After hearing Craig complain about her crying I don’t believe he deserves to partake, but I wouldn’t want to embarrass her by sharing what he said. Luckily Graham devours most of the massive biscuit before anyone else can get a second bite. There’s a reason we call him the human garbage disposal. I only wish he wouldn’t talk so much with his mouth full.

“Luce, come here love—let me kiss the chef!” He smothers her with a big hug and a sloppy kiss just centimeters away from her lips. The familiarity between them takes me by surprise. I knew when I met Lucy she needed a friend. Maybe it was silly to think I could fill that role. Graham’s the obvious choice with his infectious positivity and keen social prowess—It’s still unclear how I landed him as a mate when I’d truly never had one. I’m glad she has him though, even if their closeness sparks a bit of envy from me.

Graham finally finishes the last of the crumbles. “These were delicious. But I think I need a chaser. Anyone up for some margaritas at Moonshadow?”

“Margs sound amazing right now. I need to take Row out before I go though. Does anyone know where he went?”

Jayce gets up and moves toward the patio, his face twisted into a grin. “I could tell you where he is, but I’d rather you see for yourself.”

Lucy gives him a strange look but we all follow him outside. When we turn toward the pool it becomes clear what he meant. Rowan is in the middle of the pool, laying in the center of our pirate ship raft. Honestly, I have no idea how he got out there since we usually keep it out of the water. Everyone’s cameras come out to snap a photo of the scene before us. Not only has Rowan made his way onto the raft, and into the water, but he’s lying flat on his back, spread eagle with his front legs held straight up in the air. It honestly looks like he’s trying to block the sun from his eyes.

“He looks like a movie star!” Preston chuckles.

“Can someone get the pup some sunnies?” Graham reaches to grab a pair off Jayce’s head.

Lucy’s face is gleaming with pride. “Nice job, Row! You’re such a good pirate!”

Watching Lucy and the guys get ready to go out gives me a sharp pang of jealousy. The joy I felt from last night still lingers but I know better than to expect that sort of luck two days in a row. Lucy hasn’t made a single remark about my freak-out at Nobu. She probably thinks it was a fluke, and I’d prefer to keep it that way.

I tell them all I have too much to work on so I’ll be staying behind, and offer to walk Rowan so they don’t have to rush home. The guys never expected me to join them. Actually, they’d be shocked if I said I was coming. We may not discuss my anxiety or anything to do with where it stems from, and they have no idea what I went through as a child, but they’ve all seen me go mute, freeze completely around new people. They’ve seen the worst of it, when it’s happened during important meetings, all the times Graham’s had to save the day.

No. They’re not wondering why I’m staying behind. They’d prefer it this way.

But Lucy doesn’t understand why I’m not coming. I can see it in the confused tilt of her chin. I wish I could explain it to her, but more so I wish I didn’t have to. I wish I could just push everything in my past down so deep, that I could toss every fear aside and jump in the car with them. Suddenly I feel like that little boy again, terrified and alone. I need to get back to the piano.

I catch Lucy’s gaze right before she closes the door, her disappointment on display. And then they’re gone.

14

Lucy

After spending almostfour hundred dollars at various stores around LA today, I am officially ready to start preparing our sushi dinner. I’ve been determined to do this ever since our botched night at Nobu last week. No one should ever go a year without this Japanese delight.

Have I ever even attempted to make sushi before? Absolutely not. I never thought I’d try surfing either, so I guess this is the new Lucy, the one who’s already accustomed to failure, the one who says “why the fuck not?”

“Need any help in here?” Adamma pops her head into the kitchen. I’m so happy she’s here. Having another woman in the house is great on its own, but I also just really enjoy her company. She’s fucking hilarious.

“I think I’m almost done. I’m having some issues cutting though. I guess that guy had a point when he said I’d need a special knife . . .” I show her what I’m struggling with. “Maybe handrolls will work?”

She chokes out a laugh—obviously, my presentation looks fairly pathetic. But she helps me grab some more plates to put everything on before bringing it out to the table on the patio.

I will never get sick of this view. The beautiful rock formations right below us, the waves crashing so close I can hear every splash, the smell of salt and citrus and jasmine permeating the air all around us. The food might be a failure but the atmosphere is better than any five star restaurant.

“Lucy, my dinner feels a bit . . . flaccid.”Craig is waving his sushi around in a motion I find distasteful.

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