Page 46 of Speechless

“What? You actually read it? Just the first one? It gets so much better the further you get in the series. Like a million times better.”

“Yes, I think you mentioned that once. But no, I read them all. I finished the series.”

“No way, you read all of them in six weeks? That’s like . . . really impressive. I mean, when do you have time to read? You’re always working.”

Of course I read them.

“Well, I’ve always liked to read, and I do take breaks, you know. Reading always helps clear my head, or rather, gets me out of my head when I’m stuck on something. You saw my Kindle’s permanent spot by the futon.” I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited when I found out Lucy was a voracious reader. Books were my only friends as a child, besides my mum and dad. Getting lost in a made-up world was always the best way to cope with my frustrations, my lack of normalcy. Until recently, all the song lyrics I’ve written were mused from stories I’ve read. When your own life is void of emotional drama—the good kind, the relatable kind—you have to improvise.

“Okay, so . . . what’d you think? Did you like it?” Her face is all squished up now in anticipation and I know she’s hoping I say yes. Luckily, I don’t have to lie to her.

“It was brilliant. Really. I can see why you love it so much. I finally understand that jumper you’re always wearing that saysRattle the Stars. It’d be a great name for a song, by the way.”

“Oh my God, please write it.Please!”

“Happy to.” I boop her on the nose before I can stop myself.Jesus, Henry. “And I see why Rowan is your favorite.”

“Oh, really? Because of his big muscles? Immortality? Ability to fly?”

“Erm, I guess those might be qualities you appreciate, but no. I think you like him because of all the men in the books, he’s the only one she can truly be herself with. She never has to pretend to be something else, and he loves her no matter what, even when she’s well, you know, on a murderous rampage?”

Her face changes now and I’m not sure how to read it. Did I say something wrong? I really thought I had understood her for a moment, understood her insecurities that she tries to keep so close to the vest.

She’s told me more than a few times how special these books and characters are to her. I could see that connection when reading them, like I knew all the emotions she went through in each book of the series. It’s what I’ve always loved about books. How you can get so consumed by a story that you feel yourself living it, can be transported directly into the ink. But Lucy’s eyes are getting glassy and I wonder if I’m right about any of it.

Finally, she speaks. “You’re very intuitive.” Her eyes haven’t changed but her lips have turned up just slightly at the edges.

“I like to think I’ve gotten to know you pretty well, Luzu. And thank you, for recommending the books. I saw a bit of myself in the characters as well. I’ve always desired a relationship like that, where all of my faults don’t scare them away.” She laughs at this, though I’m not sure why. And I swear she’s moved slightly closer to me. I hope I’m not imagining it.

“Faults? Henry, what do you think is your deterrent? Working too hard? Being too handsome? Playing the pianotoobeautifully?” She tips her head to the side, still smiling like we’re in on the same joke, like I don’t actually believe there’s anything wrong with me.

How does she not realize how mistaken she is? How does she not see the grown man in front of her who’s never had an actual relationship with a woman beyond one night?

“I’m . . . awkward. You know I am. You’ve seen it. I struggle, sometimes.”

“Oh, shit. You’re serious.” Her smile drops instantly. She reaches her hand out toward me but starts to lose her balance and places it back on the board. I grab on to her arm to steady her and we share a knowing smile. “That’s not a fault, Henry. It doesn’t make you any less lovable, not even a little. Trust me.”

It doesn’t make me any less lovable. Does that mean she thinks Iamlovable? Couldshelove me?

I feel brave when I’m with Lucy, when her sincerity shines this brightly. It makes me want to tell her everything.

“I’m sorry I’ve never really explained my—issues. It’s been like this since I was a child. Well, actually it was much worse when I was a child, but—” Am I even making sense right now? No wonder I’ve never tried this before.

“I’ve never been able to talk to people. You think I’m shy, but it’s much worse than that. I just freeze up. It doesn’t matter how much Iwantto say something, my body won’t allow it. It feels like all my muscles are contracting and everything gets so tight I wish I could break something. The more I try to relax and work through it, the more tense everything becomes. Sometimes it’s subtle, easy to hide, but other times it can get so bad I just want to scream.

“It usually takes weeks, months sometimes, before I can communicate with anyone new. Medication helps, but I hate how it makes me feel. Anything strong enough to sufficiently dull my nerves ends up dulling every other part of my brain as well, so I rarely take it anymore. I decided a while ago that my music was more important than having a social life.”

The same music that brought Lucy to me.

“Instead, I just sort of deal with it. I never go out, or socialize, which I’m sure you’ve picked up on. I basically forced HAAAM into living with me so that I don’t have to deal with anyone at studios and embarrass the team. Honestly, I never would have spent so much on a house, but I figured it was the best way to get their agreement.”

Lucy’s watching me intently, never interrupting. I wonder if she can tell this is the first time I’ve ever spoken these words aloud. Even Graham had to infer half of it.

“So, I guess I just wanted to be honest with you. In case you ever wanted to go golfing or something. I’m not exactly sure you’d want me to tag along.”

“Huh, that’s too bad, Henry. I bet you’d be an excellent golfer.” She grins, like I didn’t just give her every reason to dive off this board and swim away from me.

“I’m glad you told me though,” she says. “I like knowing you better. I’m just wondering, why doesn’t it happen around me? And don’t just say I’m special. I really want to know.”

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