Page 57 of Speechless

“So, I just wanted to say I’m sorry. About last night. We obviously had too much to drink and—”

“Lucy, what are you talking about? You weren’t even drinking. I probably had half a margarita.”

Her mouth opens but nothing comes out.

There’s a long pause, and I have no idea where this is heading.

“Lucy?”

“Sorry. I don’t know why I said that. Look, I’m just trying to say it was obviously a mistake and I hope that it doesn’t ruin our friendship. You mean so much to me. Can we just forget that it ever happened?”

Forget? I could never forget that kiss, nor would I ever want to.

“What if I don’t feel it was a mistake? What ifIthink we like each other, as more than friends?”

“Henry, I don’t want to be anything more than friends with you. And if I led you on, I’m sorry, truly. I just hope you can forgive me.”

“Led me on? Lucy, why are you saying this? We shared that kiss, both of us. You know it wasn’t a mistake.”

Is it really possible she’s that good of an actress, or that I’m just hopelessly delusional? I can still feel every bit of her body pressed up against me, can still hear the sighs she made when I raked my fingers through her hair. I’ve never felt anything like this before. It can’t be all in my head, it just can’t.

She must notice the pained expression I’m trying to hold in. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I just need—I need us to go b-back, to before, to . . . to being friends. I c-can’t lose you. I can’t—”

She starts to cry and my heart plummets. I move to wrap my arms around her; I can’t stand seeing her sad. I’m just so fucking confused. Of course I won’t do anything to diminish her presence in my life, even if it means she wants us to stay platonic. But I wish I understood why.

“We’ll always be friends, no matter what. Just tell me what’s going on. I can see this isn’t really what you want. Why are you pretending?”

She’s still tucked in my embrace, and I aggressively fight the urge to kiss her. To my dismay, she takes a deep breath and pulls away from me. Her tears cease rather abruptly, and she expels a long, slow exhale to compose herself. It looks like she’s putting on a mask.

“I’m not pretending. I was just lonely, okay. I don’t feel that way about you. I’m just sad because I was worried I messed up our friendship.”

Well, then.

I promise to follow her wishes, no matter how much it kills me inside. I drive us home in mostly silence, not knowing what to say to her. I promised we’d stay friends and I meant it, but now that she knows I want more than that, how am I supposed to act? I’ve never had a girlfriend. Hell, I don’t think I’ve ever had a crush. I’ve definitely never had whatever the fuck this is. I just need to get to work, get Lucy out of my head and focus on something else for a while.

I give her a hug before we go inside, trying to touch as little of her as possible, and I wonder if there’s anything in the world that could make this day any worse.

25

Lucy

I feel sick,empty.

I hated lying to Henry. I could see the hurt in his eyes; I swear I could feel his pain deep in my gut. Maybe it was just my own pain, shattering the best part of my life right now. In my head, I know I made the right decision. If I let this go any further, how could we hold on to our friendship? But my heart is aching, I just want to curl up in a ball and weep.

Just as we walk into the house, he gives me a hug that’s more of a side-squeeze and it feels brother-y. I hate it. What have I done?

“Lucy, I amsosorry. I swear to you we’re going to find him.”

“Preston, go back out there I’ll take care of th—”

“No, I have to . . . I’m so sorry, I’mso sorry.”

“Guys, where the fuck is the peanut better? I can’t find anything in the pantry and I already used up all the treats. Oh! String cheese—”

The scene in front of us is absolute mayhem. The guys are all running in circles, yelling over one another. I can barely make out what anyone is saying.

“What the hell is going on here!” Henry bellows into the house.

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