Page 87 of Speechless

I still don’t have the right words, but I walk over to Henry, needing to be close to him again. We’re almost eye to eye with him sitting down on the sofa.

Say something, Luce.

“I’m sorry.” It is incredibly insufficient, but it’s all I can choke out right now. A single tear escapes from my eye.

He looks up at me, brings his hand to cup my face and swipes his thumb across my cheek, catching my tear. He follows it with a feathery kiss to my brow before lacing his arms around my waist and pulling me onto his lap. He presses warm, soft kisses to my temple, my nose, my mouth, my cheek, my forehead, my mouth again. His kisses aren’t sensual, they’re sweet, tender; they’re perfect. He pulls back and rests his forehead against mine. We sit there like that for a few moments, physically connected in so many ways, his hands delicately stroking up and down my back.

I close my eyes and breathe deeply, letting his scent fall over me like a magic shield. “I think I may have been in love with you for a while now. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. That was rude of me.”

He jerks his head back to look at me.

I think he might say something, but he doesn’t. Maybe he feels more comfortable communicating without words.

Before I met Henry, I had to fill every silent moment with words. It was a habit I never thought I’d break. But now, I feel content in our shared silence. Until I realize there’s so much more I need to say.

“I should have been honest with you a while ago—about everything.” I see him open his mouth to speak but I have to get this out. “No, just let me say this, okay?” He nods. “I was scared about my past repeating itself, and I’m sorry for not listening to you, for not even trying. I was too in my head to even hear you, but I’m trying to get out.” I take a deep breath and feel his hands tighten around my waist. “I know sorry isn’t enough, but just . . . I never wanted to hurt you. That was the last thing I wanted. You might be the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

I suck in more air, forcing myself to get the words out. Henry’s unwavering gaze gives me the confidence I need. “I want to try, okay? I can’t promise that my insecurities will go away, or that I won’t wonder if you’ll change your mind about me, if you’ll change the way you feel. But that’s okay, because you’re allowed to feel however you want, even if it means—”

He kisses me again, and this time it’s anything but delicate. He pulls me closer to him so that every inch of our bodies is touching; he moves his lips from my mouth to my jaw, down to my neck and tugs my hair to the side so he can reach my favorite spot.

His words brush my skin, just below my ear. “I’ll never leave you Lucy. I’ll never resent you, or try to change you. I’ll never break your heart.” The affirmation makes my insides flutter. “Can you trust me?”

“Yes.” I kiss him fervently, trying to prove it to him, willing him to know that I’ll never run away again.

After a few moments he slowly pulls back to look at me.

“I, erm . . . I spent most of the day finishing a new song. Something that’s been in my head for a while. I think you may have inspired it.”

His gaze roams over my face while his fingers find the pendant hanging from my neck. He turns it over, giving it a gentle rub while his eyes follow, focusing on the bit of gold like it’s a precious memento of his own. “I was thinking of calling itUnder the Rainbow.”

“What’sunderthe rainbow?”

His idle hand reaches up to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear, and then, he smiles at me.

“Well, dreams are over the rainbow—you know, with the bluebirds.” He grins as he drops the necklace and leans in to kiss my nose. “But under the rainbow, that’s how I feel when I’m with you. Like the storm has just ended and I can finally see the sun. You’remyfairy tale, Luzu.”

I blink at him a few times before I know what to do or say next. He drops his gaze just slightly, like maybe he’s embarrassed. Hisfairy tale? God, I’m in love with him. And he wrote a song inspired byme? “I’d like to hear it.”

“Later.” And then he sweeps his arm under my knees and carries me upstairs.

* * *

I’mable to appreciate the private plane much more on the way back to LA. My nerves are non-existent; I feel sated and happy and hopeful. We took full advantage of having the house to ourselves that night, and spent three more days in Bedford before Henry had to get back to work.

I told Henry I knew about his adoption. I didn’t want there to be any secrets between us, but I didn’t share anything else from Mary’s story. That was hers alone to tell. But he wanted me to know everything anyway. I comforted Mary while he told us the story from his perspective; she was even more of a blubbering mess than I was.

We had a real conversation about what being a mom meant for me, something Jack never gave me the chance to do. It was nice to speak so openly about everything I’d been through with endometriosis; the pain, the surgeries, the hysterectomy I’m planning on getting. And especially how I’ve been handling the fact that I’ll never have biological children. With Jack, he made me feel like I was failing him as a wife, like I had done something wrong. Even before that fateful day, he treated my chronic illness as an annoyance, something he’d prefer to ignore.

I don’t know why I assumed it would be like that with every man. Henry’s concern was for me, for my health, for the loss I felt not being able to experience something I had been hoping for my entire life. I knew it was early to talk about these kinds of things. I wouldn’t normally discuss family planning with someone at this point in a relationship, but he insisted, and honestly, it made me feel lighter. No matter what happened with us, I wouldn’t have the burden of this discussion looming over me.

Right before we left, Henry asked me to officially be his girlfriend. He even got down on one knee. I’m pretty sure this was for Mary’s benefit; she was there for the big moment and seemed quite pleased with how it all played out. It made me feel a little silly, and maybe a little giddy. The joy radiating from her made me miss my mom, but it also made me feel so lucky to have her in my life. On our way out the door I told Henry I loved him, and I made sure it was loud enough for her to hear me.

I haven’t been able to get Mary’s story out of my head. My heart aches for everything she went through, but I also know that she’s living an extremely happy and fulfilled life. Her relationship with Henry is so special—seeing them together, their closeness, I understand Henry so much better now. I’m going to start channeling my inner Mary.Don’t choose to be unhappy. I want to choose happiness. I know that it’s not that simple, I can’t predict the future; but right now, I’m feeling hopeful. And I’m done thinking about endings, I’m only worrying about now.

Andnow, Henry and I are floating across the Atlantic, watching the final cut ofThe Dragon Warspilot. It’s wild to watch a show with absolutely no music, it’s almost eerie. I’ve only heard bits and pieces of what Henry’s prepared for this, but I know it’s going to be amazing. He warned me that this is going to keep him and HAAAM pretty busy for the next couple of months, but I don’t mind. I have about a million new book ideas I want to start working on.

Henry’s hands haven’t left my body since we got on the plane. I also noticed he told the flight crew we were not to be disturbed. It was sweet of Mary to give us the one night to ourselves, but once she was back, knowing how thin the walls were, I enforced a strict PG policy on our nightly activities. I can tell how hungry he is for me and I can’t say I’m not enjoying it. He promised we could watch the show, but now that it’s over, his kisses have turned sultry and my dress is down to my ankles.

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