Page 102 of Fervency Love

I missed the last couple of hours. A knock on the door brings me out of my thoughts. It’s five. It must be Ve. I don’t get up,though. I don’t feel like it. I let Mom invite him in. His mood has changed. I can feel it.

“Listen, Abbs, sorry for before…” He runs a hand over his hairless head and wipes it on his trousers. He’s nervous. “Say something, Gail. Please.”

“I don’t want those extremes anymore, Connor. I don’t know if you were stoned, but if yes, why?” I ask, but he says nothing. “Anyway, it doesn’t give you the right to treat me like that.” I look him in the eyes.

“I know. I’m sorry. Willy brought some new dope. I had no idea a couple of drags would fuck me up so bad.”

“Why did you even smoke it? Didn’t we agree that you’d limit that to the minimum? To nothing, to be precise.”

“Yeah, I know. There’s nothing I can say.”

He sits down next to me and puts his head on my shoulder. I put my diary down and embrace him. We spend the evening watching movies. There’s some comedy on.

“That teacher guy is cute. I wouldn’t want men like that to teach me. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate.”

Shit, did I just say that aloud? I don’t have to wait for a reply too long. I can see Ve’s rising fury.

“And I’d like teachers like that to teach me.” He points to a poster on the wall, depicting a very beautiful and graceful actress.

I instantly feel as bad as it gets. I don’t look like that. Damn, if he’s dreaming of women like that, why is he with me? But okay, I get it. He must have taken my comment like that too.

He’s absent until the end of the movie and doesn’t eat the dinner I prepared for him. I pester him to tell me what’s bothering him. Finally, after the hundredth attempt, he buckles.

“Sometimes I just feel like a total stranger to you. Like you’re ashamed because of me.”

What?! It’s not like that at all! What is he talking about? I guess we don’t jell that well after all. He’s taking my words wrongly, and I take his equally bad. There are a lot of things in me that he can’t stand. I love him, but I keep hurting him, even if only subconsciously. It stems from the differences in how we see the world. Whenever I explain a thing to him, he does expressions that tell me he doesn’t believe a word I’m saying. He tells me what he’s afraid of, and I have no idea what he’s talking about, because I would never think in the same way. Those aren’t facts, that’s just making wrong calls. How do I make him understand? How do I make him get that he’s valuable, worthy of love, that he can do everything and deserves all the best?

“Don’t ever say that again! I don’t know what I did to make you think that. But you have to know that’s not the truth.”

“But this is what I feel.”

“So tell me, when do you feel that?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

As usual, when I want to know more, to understand him better, he backs off. I get it that men can’t talk about their emotions, but sometimes talking about them is the only way you can learn about other perspectives.

“I’m off, Abby. See you tomorrow.” He kisses me on the cheek, gets up, and is gone.

Chapter 51

Abby

Today, Connor is acting as if nothing happened. On the one hand, that’s great. He seems laid back, relaxed, and happy. On the other, unfinished business like that tends to grow to cosmic proportions.

In the morning, we visit Nikki and have coffee. Then, we go to my cousin for a while. We’re standing at the bus stop, and I notice him staring at me. I turn and look at Ve with a question in my eyes.

“You look gorgeous, babe.”

How nice. I like it when he compliments me. There is no trace of his bad mood. He’s so unstable!

“Thank you, Ve. You, too.”

He takes my hand as we get on the bus. When all our chores are done, he walks me home.

“Will you come later?”

“Yes, around five.” He leaves a wet mark on my lips and takes the elevator down.

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