Page 119 of Fervency Love

“Do not interrupt me if you’re interested in what I have to say. It’s sad to see how gullible you are. They’re playing you likea fiddle. But yes, Roger chatted to me when I was leaving the toilet. He asked if we were still together. I told him that we were. He asked if I could tell you something. He told me you should drop it and stop standing around his block with your buddies.”

I decide to leave out his comment about how I looked. Best not to escalate this.

“Now compare what Ted made up with my version. Pick whichever one you like better. And yes, I know I don’t control what you think, so I’m not going to make an effort. I was going to ignore that, but since you brought it up yourself, I’d like to know why you keep hanging out by his house. Is that what you do when you’re late for our meetings or forget to tell me where you were and what you did?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Really? That’s how you’re going to play your cards? Why can’t you just tell me the truth?”

“Listen, I’ve had enough of this. We go to a party, and you’re making eyes at your ex, then talk to him like I’m not there, and additionally believe this bullshit.”

“I made eyes at no one!” I cry out.

“As to my friends… Well, there’s fifty percent of truth in all rumors, you know?”

“Oh yes? Let’s go with that, then. What should I think about the rumors about what you did when I was in Spain? Are they half-true, too? Did you fondle Bridget?”

As always, he ignores whatever he doesn’t like to hear. He’s not used to someone being as incisive as I am. I can connect the dots and make stinging retorts. Everybody buys his stupid little lies and gets manipulated by him. They all fall straight into his traps and feel guilty. He sets those for everyone who so much as tries to decipher Connor’s true intentions and uncover the truth about him.

“If you don’t understand what I’m telling you, maybe dye your hair blond.”

Whoa, those are some serious words. He’s hitting where it hurts. Just to pull the attention from himself and not have to explain his own lies.

“Think about it real hard. I don’t trust you anymore,” he snaps. “Anyway, you can go to your lover right now. You don’t have to be scared. I won’t cause you any problems if you pick him over me.”

I can’t believe it. I’ve never heard that many ugly words from him. He gets up and just leaves, and I’m sitting here, split into a thousand pieces. I can’t get my shit together. I don’t understand what this was about. He’s looking for a pretext to spend less time with me, or maybe he really believes his buddies and now wants to show them what a tough guy he is. Why does he believe them? Doesn’t he see it’s just another of their plays and he’s getting pulled in? I don’t have the strength for this.

I go to Nikki the next day and tell her everything.

“This is crazy, Abby.”

“I know…” I mutter, glancing at my watch. “I need to go. Thanks for the coffee.”

“Want me to walk you?” she asks with concern.

“No, Nikki. I need to think.”

“Just don’t overthink it. It’s like your grandma always says: let the horses do the thinking—they have the biggest heads.”

I smile. Grandma dearest really does say that a lot.

When I arrive at my block, I see Vicky on the balcony. I call her, and we take the elevator to my place. I tell her too.

“I can’t believe he said that. So corny, don’t you think?”

“You think it’s a pretext to kick up a fuss for no reason?”

“I’m not sure, Abby…”

“I have a weird feeling that all this results from his low self-esteem. One time he said that he didn’t believe he could be with someone like me. I was out of his league in his eyes. Maybe he still thinks that. That he lacks something. That he isn’t enough. I try to put it in order in my head and recall countless situations where that could be true.”

“What are you saying? He thinks he doesn’t deserve you? That someone else will show up and offer more than he does, and that you’ll dump his ass?”

“More or less. But that’s bullshit. Nobody can offer me more than he does. Nobody compares to Connor. Nobody. Never.”

“Maybe tell him that.”

“I thought that was pretty obvious. But maybe it’s not for him. Listen, let’s go to the Den, shall we? Maybe he’s there. I want to talk to him.”

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