Page 123 of Fervency Love

“You know what? I liked myself better before. You changed me. Turned me around. I don’t like that. I don’t want it anymore. I’m going to do what I want from now on,” he concludes. I’m rooted to the spot. My head is numb with shock. I don’t know what to say.

Ve doesn’t wait for my response. Instead, he stands up and leaves. I’m frozen. I know I pushed too hard. I didn’t allow him to go to those places because I was afraid of what he might do. I know that’s wrong. I shouldn’t do that. But it’s just stronger than me. I don’t know if I can drop that part of me that loves to have everything under control. I’m anxious when there’s chaos around, and that leads to internal destruction, to racing thoughts. On the other hand, I let him go to the pool at night recently. He didn’t even invite me. But I was glad he asked me—it meant he cared and he respected my opinion. He wants to be open and fair to me. In the end, however, he didn’t call me to check in like he said he would, so my trust in him got broken. Next time I told him I didn’t want him to go. Did he listen? I can’t say. I’ll never know, I guess. Besides, his attitude towards school annoys me. I’m no nerd either, but at least I’m smart and organized enough to not be threatened with expulsion or repeating a year. Meanwhile, he’s always right on the brink. Well, he always manages to come out unscathed. Damn, maybe I really should ease off.

What hurt me was his words: “I don’t like that you changed me.”

Come to think of it, he changed me too. Totally. Or, at least, I’m trying to change. I warned him that there are people who see me as a weirdo, so maybe he shouldn’t waste his time on me. I’m a difficult person. But he rarely ever surprises me positively. For instance, why won’t he come over a bit earlier for a change as a surprise, instead of always being late? And if it does happen, I always know he’s up to something. For example, he’ll want to leave earlier.

Anyway, it’s our first anniversary the day after tomorrow, and then it’s Ve’s birthday. I need to prepare something. I even have an idea or two.

I go shopping first thing in the morning, find what I’m looking for, and ask Dad for help.

Chapter 62

Abby

I peek out the window every minute, fidgeting nervously, waiting for Ve. I think I’m going crazy. I hear a knock on the door when I leave the bathroom. It’s Ve. It wasn’t certain that he’d come over after our last spat.

I throw my arms around his neck, kiss him quickly, take his hand, and lead him to my room.

“Hello!” he calls.

“Nobody’s home,” I say. “They went to my aunt’s.”

He doesn’t look angry anymore. Maybe he just got what he wanted, which is to make me ease off.

“You really think I changed you, Ve? You miss the old you? What’s that, specifically? Smoking? Freedom? Your buddies? Or having nobody to require anything of you? Nobody having any ambitions concerning you, wanting anything more for you? You’re really okay with that kind of future? If yes, there’s nothing for me here. I don’t want to be someone who makes you pretend to be someone else. Who makes you feel bad.”

“I thought about that, actually. I said that because I was mad. With myself, mostly, because I know, deep down, that you’re fucking right. I’m always trying to lie to myself. But no, I don’tthink that. I think the influence you have on me is a gift from fate. You are a gift. You make me discover things inside myself that I had no idea existed. You can bring it all to light. Every demon, but also all the goodness in me. You were the first to see it. And at some point I started to believe it, too. That I’m worthy, that I’m good. I’m so sorry. I love you.”

Those words are a surprise in themselves. He produces a little box from his pocket.

“I’d like to give you a ring, Abby. I know we spoke about an engagement once, for the giggles. But now I want to tell you that you’re my light in the darkness, my breeze on a hot day, my inspiration, my muse, my sun and shade, my brightest star on a moonless night, my everything. I love you more than anything. And I’d like you to be with me forever.”

There are tears rolling down my cheeks. I throw myself into his arms.

“I love you, Connor! I love you so much. Thank you!”

I open the package. Ve thumbs away a tear from my cheek. I look down, seeing a beautiful silver ring with an elliptical rhinestone eye with sharp ends. It’s breathtaking. Ve takes it out of the box and pushes it onto my ring finger.

“It’s like an engagement ring,” I breathe, extending my hand to look at the new piece of jewelry. It looks out of this world. “I have something for you, too. For your birthday and our anniversary.”

I produce my own little case and give it to him. He opens it and stares for a long while. He pulls out the silver ring, turning it in his fingers and noticing the writing on the inside: “Abigail and Connor.”

“Wow, Abby. This… this is really something.”

“Will you wear it? Can I put it on?” I ask haltingly, wondering if I overdid it.

“Of course I will. I’m yours forever. You put a ring on it,” he laughs. “Am I your husband now?”

“And am I your wife?”

We both burst out in laughter. I put the ring on his finger. It fits perfectly. Just like mine. Come to think about it, the whole idea of marrying someone and any form of deprivation of liberty, the act of sealing a relationship before a priest or an official… that’s not for me. This is the perfect solution. I don’t need anything more to be happy. I just don’t know what he thinks. We’ve never spoken about that at length. I decide to ask him openly.

“Ve. Would you like me to be your wife? Like, someday?”

“You already are. But, like, officially? A wedding? A party? I mean, it’s what you’re supposed to do, right?”

“Supposed to? Come on, who told you that? I can’t imagine going through all that bullshit. And I hate wedding parties! There’s more insincerity and envy there than even at funerals. If we’d have to, I’d prefer to have a wedding barefoot on some beach, in an airy lace dress, with only the best man and maid of honor, or even without them. Just for us. I don’t want to be the center of attention and have to jump through all those hoops on a day that should be the happiest in my life. And yeah, I know, I’m a weirdo. Maybe I was wrong to be born a woman.”

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