Page 154 of Fervency Love

He kneels by the tub, and I envelop him with my arms.

“I love you. Don’t worry. We’ll find you a job tomorrow.”

He says nothing, only buries his head in my wet, foamy arms.

Chapter 77

Abby

A month has passed since I started working and studying. Work and school consume me completely. In the meantime, we found a job for Connor right next to mine. So if we had minimal contact before, now it’s practically nonexistent. We only see each other in bed, both so exhausted that we fall asleep immediately. When he has a day off, I am at work, and vice versa. Or we are both at work all day. We are gradually growing apart.

And once again, when I do have a day off and turn on the computer, I discover that when Connor is home alone, he spends time on some pretty weird websites. I don’t know if it’s about porn or just seeking thrills, but it worries me. I once wanted to watch porn with him, but he told me that couples who watch porn together quickly break up. When I ask why he visits such sites, he comes up with such absurd nonsense that I have no strength for it.

“Connor, am I not enough for you? Have you become bored with me? What’s going on? You stopped touching me, hugging me. Why are you acting so strange?”

“It’s not like that, Abbs. For example, my buddy’s woman is so horny he can’t keep up anymore. And he still watches porn and jerks off.”

“I don’t know if that’s normal. Why does he do that? Anyway, I don’t care what your friends do. I’m only interested in what is happening between us, in our relationship and in our home.”

“Nothing is happening, drop it. I’m just tired after work.”

“That’s how you explain it.”

Engrossed in work and studies, I try to push these unpleasant thoughts as far away as possible—thoughts that currently things between us are the worst in our entire history. It has never been like this. We argued and reconciled, but it was better than what it is now. There’s indifference. I feel better spending twelve hours at work than at home with the person closest to me. It’s horrifying to feel this way. When I try to talk to him, he doesn’t see the problem. He works with girls and guys. I see how those girls look at him. One blonde particularly annoys me; she doesn’t even try to hide that she would gladly spread her legs for my Ve. That bitch is married—a real filthy slut. I’m afraid Ve will fall for her. He’s receptive to those things. And he always soaks up the company he’s in. First, I had to deal with his buddies, and now I have to compete with people from work? Sometimes I think he’s with me just because it’s convenient. He has an apartment, no one is breathing down his neck, he does what he wants because I don’t demand too much from him. I just ask him to buy groceries, help me clean, and take Lola out. The worst of all is that it’s been breaking down for some time. But we’ve kept trying to keep it alive. Since we started working, instead of missing each other and craving each other’s presence, we’re a bit like roommates. I’m getting fed up with it.

At my job, Larry, the guy who gave me a kiss on the cheek, is getting more talkative and friendly. He’s got good energy about him. I like spending time with him. He’s always trying to take meout for coffee after work. I told him that’s pretty much out of the picture. But one day Connor pissed me off so much, I agreed. I don’t know if I did it to spite him, or just wanted to check how this’ll end.

After work, I drove to see him. We sat, had a chat. It was blissful, like it used to be with Ve. Larry was very attentive. He took interest in what is happening in my life, praised me, and trusted me. At that point I didn’t realize that I was falling into that same vicious circle again. When someone ignores me, it makes me feel worthless, neglected, unworthy, and insufficient. I fall into that loop of mine, drowning in a mire, desperately latching onto anything to keep me breathing. Tangled in a web of lies, I do the worst.

“Ve, listen, I don’t know how to talk to you anymore. Don’t you want to be with me? What’s happening?”

“I don’t know… I want to.”

“Then what’s the matter? Why does it feel like that?”

He doesn’t respond, instead sliding under the duvet, turning around, and falling asleep. And I’m left struggling with my thoughts for a long while. He doesn’t care anymore. This is falling apart.

For my first real paycheck from the employment contract, I decide to finally buy myself a normal cell phone. And get my tongue pierced. I’ve wanted a tongue piercing since I saw it on Mel B from the Spice Girls. A tattoo and a piercing.

I have a day off today. I go with Vicky to the guy recommended by my friend Mandy for the piercing. He works quickly, numbing my tongue with some spray. Before I can turn my head, I already have the tongue done. It didn’t hurt. He gives me instructions on how to take care of it. I have to come back for a replacement ina few weeks. I’ll get a different material than surgical steel and a shorter shaft.

“A shorter one?” I ask.

“For the first few days, your tongue will be swollen, so you have a longer piercing now.”

Damn, I didn’t think about that!

“How inconvenient will the swelling of the tongue be?” I ask, knowing that I have to work the next day.

“You probably won’t be able to speak clearly tomorrow. Or the next couple days. It all depends on how quickly your body adapts to a foreign object in your tongue.”

I give myself a mental slap. How the heck did I not think about that? How will I work tomorrow? How will I stand at checkout? Mandy, the manager, will kill me.

When I get home, Connor is already waiting.

“Hi, babe, you’re finally here.”

“Hi, Ve!”

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