Page 65 of Fervency Love

“What I always do. I’ll spend some time in the Den, stay at home.”

“Will you give me one of your T-shirts?”

“Uh, sure. Why, though?” he asks, clearly surprised.

“So I can feel you by my side. It will remind me of you. I want to smell you.”

A shy smile appears on his face.

“Which one do you want?”

“The blue polo. My favorite. I love the way you look when you’re wearing it.” It’s an easy decision.

“Really?” He’s smiling now in that boyish way. “Will you drink alcohol there?” he asks all of a sudden. “People tend to drink heavily on summer camp.”

“If it’ll make you sleep easier, I won’t drink a drop of alcohol. I promise.”

“You’d do this for me? It’s vacation time. You need to blow off some steam.”

“I can do that with you right here. I don’t need alcohol to be happy.”

“I don’t know if I believe you.”

“Seriously?! When I promise something, I always keep my word!” I cry, indignant.

“But I don’t want to make you do anything.”

“You’re not making me do anything. I promise I won’t drink. Not even a sip of beer. Just trust me!”

Why did he broach that subject? Maybe he’s afraid I’d do something stupid when I’m drunk. But he knows well I can keep myself in check and make rational decisions even when I have been drinking. And I don’t need alcohol to do stupid shit either. I’m worried he’s always suspecting me of something. I love him with all my heart and I want to have my first time with him. I can’t imagine anyone else even touching me!

I don’t like the direction this conversation is taking. It’s a manipulation, and I’m the victim here. Usually, I nip those things in the bud, but with him, I can’t think rationally. I get it this makes him nervous for some reason, though, so I forgive him. Alcohol or the lack of it is not a problem for me. I can deny myself a lot of things for him. But what about Ve? How do I know he won’t do something stupid, lose himself in the company of his friends? Sometimes I have those hunches… I’m not entirely sure about what. There’s just a red light above my head all of a sudden, and an internal voice tells me to watch out for something, warning me quietly. Most cases I stifle it, andthen it turns out I should have listened… Or at least analyzed that feeling a bit more before acting.

Since Ve told me his darkest secret, he’s been clean. Theoretically. He didn’t even have a smoke. But how can I be sure his “wonderful” friends won’t take the opportunity and pull him right back to the dark side? He’s susceptible to stuff like that.

“What about you, Ve?” I voice my doubts. “How can I be sure you won’t do something stupid?”

“You can be sure of that, Abigail. I promised myself I’ll get myself in order for you. Not to mention I promised that to you too.”

“Don’t get yourself in order for me, Ve. Do it for yourself. I trust you. Please, don’t disappoint me,” I say with a hint of desperation in my voice.

“I won’t. Don’t worry.”

Chapter 31

Abby

The day of the trip has come. I didn’t sleep at all during the night. Mom came over to drive me to the gathering point so Ve couldn’t stay overnight. I already miss him badly.

I get up at six and wash up quickly. Normally I’d be excited as hell, but this time I feel no enthusiasm for the camp. I’m stressed. Ivy is in a similar situation, so we’ll keep each other’s spirits up.

Quarter past seven. Ve knocks on the door. He’s come for me. We go toward the church together but never reach it. We take a seat on a bench in the park. I wanted to spend some more time with him, one on one, before I went. My heart is hammering in my chest. The hour passes too quickly. We’re leaving in a while, and I need to get back home. Ve walks me to the door. In the elevator he kisses me so hard it nearly hurts; our tongues are unable to break their melancholic dance. He assaults me so forcefully and passionately, when the lift stops and we pull away from each other, my lips are swollen. He faces me and I look into his eyes—they’re filled with love, sincerity. So real. A mirror for the soul. They’re glazed over now. He must really love me. He’s afraid for me and will miss me, but he will never own upto it. Men. Seeing him in that state makes me want to burst out in tears too. He gives me another hug by the door and says the words that make a flood of tears run down my cheeks.

“Do what you want. Regret nothing.”

He vanishes in the elevator, leaving me completely wrecked. I feel horrible.

Come now.Chin up!You’ll survive!There’s no reason to cry.It’ll do him some good to spend some time alone. He’ll miss you and get involved even more,my internal voice reasons. It’s brutally honest, as usual. I wipe away the tears and enter the apartment.

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