Page 7 of Fervency Love

Connor

I couldn’t go to school today. I got into a fight with Dad, and he didn’t give me money for the bus ticket. I didn’t want to risk getting caught riding without one. It would look bad. Besides, I had a little bit too much to drink yesterday. Better she didn’t see me in such a state. Parties like that are no-holds-barred affairs, so we tend to binge until our lights go out.

Going back to Abbs—at first, seeing me made her seem irritated and on edge, but then something changed. She became interested. Which, in turn, made me stressed. I need my space, so I thought it would be a good idea to skip school for a couple of days. It felt a bit weird not seeing her, but sometimes my other fucked up personality wakes up—let’s just call it that, shall we?—and that one freezes at the slightest hint of discomfort. And fear is discomfort, no doubt about it. Only what scares me so much? Being left? Or getting involved? Trusting? Fuck knows. Nevertheless, that emotional state has now taken me over, so I skipped school for a couple of days. End of story.

But it’s Wednesday now. I didn’t want to see Abbs while I still had those feelings that made me feel so good whenever I was close to her. It’s different with other girls. They are drawn to mein droves. Sometimes their openness is too much even for me, sitting on my lap without invitation. The fact remains that their attention does nothing to arouse any reaction from me. I never feel those jolts of energy when I am with them. That’s what keeps me in control. With Abbs, it’s the opposite. On the one hand, I’m pretty turned on by that, but on the other, that’s just so alien to me. Makes things difficult. I even had this idea to take her out. I’ve never done that before. I’ve never been on a date. But that’s out of the question. I’m too shy. She makes me shy. I don’t know why. With her, all my insecurities and deeply hidden emotions crawl out. I feel defenseless. Besides, I feel that after a date that might only get worse. And maybe I’d start losing my interest in her. I’d stop pursuing her at all. And then there’s the bet. Only whenever she’s around, it seems so trivial. I can’t imagine being able to do that to her. Each time I return to the Den, Phil or the guys start talking shit again, and then I feel stupid and start pretending the deal is still on.

Now I’m sitting, a bit woozy, on a bench by the projects, thinking about the same things over and over again. Max runs by.

“Hey, Ve. You heard? Abbs said she’s going to go out with you!”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m serious.”

“I didn’t even ask her.”

“I know, but we asked her for you.”

“What!? Are you out of your fucking minds?” I roar, seeing red and springing to my feet.

“Sorry, dude, but you were making a shitty job of it yourself.”

“Okay, so what exactly did she say?” My curiosity is getting the better of me, pushing away the discomfort.

“She said you should ask her yourself.”

“That’s fucking right! Now she thinks I’m some kind of dipshit. Fucking thanks.” He’s got under my skin real good. “But she did say she’d go out with me. How did that happen?”

“I don’t know, Ve. She just came over to me and said that.”

“Came over? What did she say?” I ask, suddenly all caught in by what she did.

“She asked if you still wanted to see her. And I said, ‘Yeah, I think so’ and she said, ‘Alright then, Friday five p.m.’ So, I told her you’ll be there, ’cause you will, won’t you?” Now Max is getting disoriented.

“You know it! I’m not sure if I should thank you or what.”

“So be there. Listen, I got to go.”

I light up a cigarette and start pacing. A date… Where should I take her? What to wear? Dammit! What’s most interesting is that the moment I was thinking about what to do, the answer showed up all on its own. Coincidence? Or maybe the guy upstairs is fucking with me? I keep my head occupied with that for a moment, but nothing good comes to my mind, so I drop it.

Friday comes, and I’m so stressed out from the moment I wake up that I skip school again. I’ve been at Max’s since three. He’s helping me to prepare. He even went to the market and brought me a cologne. Smells kind of nice. And he bought a rose. It’s nearly five o’clock, and I’m getting ready to leave.

“Good luck, bro,” Max says by way of goodbye.

I like him. He’s different. Not a shallow smart-ass like the others. He’s got a depth to him. A goodness.

Riding the elevator to her floor, I feel my heart pounding in my chest, then flitting like a hummingbird’s wings. I knock on her door. It opens after an instant, revealing my angel.

God, how beautiful she is. I inhale deeply and hand her the flower, saying: “You look stunning.”

She smiles.

“Thanks. You too.”

Me and Max, we came up with the idea of taking her to Lost of Memories. It’s a little pub, out of the way. A nice place.

“Where are we going?” she asks on the bus.

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