Page 82 of Fervency Love

“Then stop listening to them and start listening to me. I thought you trusted me and knew I’m a responsible person. When should I come?” I ask, composed now.

“Is two okay?”

I tell her I’ll be there and hang up. What are they all going on about with this “what will people say” bullshit? I don’t give a rat’s ass what they’ll say. Are they the ones paying for my stuff? No? Then fuck off and don’t stick your noses into my shit. I’ve been hearing the same things from Dad, too. Why the crap should I bother with what people think? People I care nothing about. I don’t get it.

Vicks comes over.

“Want to go to my grandma’s for dinner today? I need the support. She won’t dress me down with you around.”

“Sure. Right now?” She glances at her watch.

“Pretty much.”

“Let’s go, then.”

With Vicks present, Grandma doesn’t touch on any difficult topics. We chat for a while, help her clean up after dinner, and return to my place.

In the evening, I go to Connor. My mood is dark. I don’t know what’s got into me, but I’m cold and uncaring, while he does his best to be as nice as possible. I decide I’m not in the mood to stay there any longer.

“Where are you going, Abby?” he asks.

“I don’t know. This place is suffocating. I need to leave.”

He gets up, keeping his eyes on me. Without another word, he puts on his shoes and walks me outside. There’s Vicks sitting by the building.

“Hey, you. What are you doing here?” I ask, surprised.

“I was with Myro, but he’s gone home to fetch something.You?”

“We’re just taking a breather. You staying or going home?” I prod.

“I was about to go home.”

“Then I’ll come with you.”

I notice Ve’s puzzled expression. He doesn’t say anything. That same instant, Myro joins us. Vicky tells him she’s going to have to bail.

Ve grabs me by the hand.

“Come on,” he barks and pulls me along. “What’s going on, Abby?”

“What do you think?”

“I don’t know. You’re different. Distant.”

“I’m tired. Situations like that from yesterday are very hard for me. Physically, mentally, and emotionally destructive. We’ve been together for a while. You should know I take a while to regenerate. I can’t just wave my hand and let it go. Each emotion blown out of proportion cuts a swathe across my body. I need more time to recuperate. I can be cold, indifferent, absent. I’m not entirely sure how this works. But from what I’ve seen myself, this is how it’s going to be.”

“That’s why you want to go already? Are you pushing me away?” he keeps asking.

“I don’t know. I just need some space and silence, without all this fucking drama. I never thought it’d come to that. That I’d need to be alone on your account. I thought you’d be the only person who could soothe me, that could make me so blissful. But that was until yesterday. I think I’ve just had enough. I don’tlike your jealousy. The restrictions. You can do whatever you like, while I can do nothing. I would understand if I had lied to you, but I’ve never done that. I always tell you about everything. Yesterday was the same. We push and pull at each other more and more often. But the difference between us is that I tell you everything, and you tell me nothing. Unless I catch you doing something. Or I learn things from people. That’s when you start talking, only when your back is up against the wall.”

“I’m not going to change!” he snaps, taking me aback. “You want to be with me? Decide!”

“What? What do you mean?” I ask, shocked. “Of course I do. How about you? You want that or do you just make yourself think that?”

“I don’t make myself do anything.”

“But you won’t change.”

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