Page 98 of Fervency Love

“Stop fucking lying to me, Ve! You should know that I already knew the truth when I asked the question! I just wanted you to have the courage and dignity to admit it!” Now I’m shouting.

A silence falls over us. I’m wondering if I really want to hear this.

“Okay, yeah. It’s the truth,” he says.

I break into a million pieces. Tears are rolling down my face. I need to sit down.

“Why? Fuck, why?! Why did you go there? Why didn’t I know? You kick up a row when I go to the house of someone we both know with my friends, and you just fucking go to the house of some guy—I have no idea who he is—and you kiss a bitch I hate! That’s crossing the line! How could you?! How could you fuck this up so bad?! And now you’re telling everyone you meet you only wanted to fuck me? Do you have the slightest idea how that makes me feel? I hate you!”

“It’s not like that, Abbs.”

“No? Then tell me, Connor! Tell me what it’s like! Why do you keep lying to me? You really think that when you don’t tell me something, it doesn’t count as lying? I can’t tell you what to do, but for God’s sake, I’d love to learn about shit like this from you, not other people. I fucking knew it! I fucking knew you’d destroy me! That you’d do something that would kill me! I knew my feelings for you were too strong. You have too much power over me. It’s too dangerous!”

I can’t breathe again. I stumble to the balcony, lean against the railing, and try to catch some air. Ve follows me and takes a seat on the bench.

“Listen, Abbs. At first, this was all about a bet. That was the plan. People told me you were a slut, and I wanted to check for myself. But then, with every day, every moment we spent together, my plans and feelings for you changed. Suddenly I wanted to protect you from everything. You became everything to me. I fell madly in love with you. My mission was to beat up anyone who would even say something bad about you. I’ve told you this so many times now.”

He draws closer.

“Elsa surprised me. I pushed her away instantly. I told her what a bitch she is. I don’t know what shit she’s talking now, but I have nothing to do with it. She’d like it if I had. But when it comes to lying, I just… forgot. Something came up.”

“You forget too often,” I snap. “Try to reverse the situation. Imagine how you’d feel if I did something like that. Would you feel good?”

“I suppose not.”

“There you go. Now think about that the next time you decide to forget to tell me something. Now leave me alone. Or go to that slut! I don’t give a damn! I can’t even look at you now!”

“I’m sorry, Abby. Don’t say that. You don’t think that way…”

“I’m not going to listen to this!” I cut him off. “You keep apologizing! Maybe it would be better if you thought for a change how you’d feel in my place! Go away, Connor!”

I pass him by, stomping back inside. He grabs my wrist.

“No, Abbs! I’m not fucking leaving!”

He tries pulling me in for a hug, but I shove him away. He looks puzzled, then desperate.

“Just go!” I yell, tears still streaming from my eyes.

He fixes me with a last look, kisses my hand, and gets up.

“I love you, Abigail!” he says and leaves.

I’m left alone, staring at the wall, thinking about what he told me. I knew from Nikki and Ivy, but a part of me still counted onthis turning out to be a lie. I appreciate that he owned up to what he did. But this can’t keep happening! Connor and his damned double standards! Fucking hell, why is he allowed everything while I can’t do anything? What the fuck is that supposed to be? And why does he keep lying to me?

I’m going back to the balcony. It’s my favorite place in this flat. I light a cigarette, sitting on the bench. The view is so soothing. I love the way it calms me. I pull my legs up, wrap my head around my knees, and perch my chin on them.

Sometime later, the cigarette slips from my fingers. I only took one drag. Good. I don’t know why I smoke this shit. I’m okay now. If I don’t finish this right now, I’ll get too deep to get out. This is for the best.

I call Ivy. She picks up at once.

“How are things, Abbs?”

“You around?”

“Yeah. Give us three minutes.”

“Okay. I’ll come down. I need a walk anyway.”

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