Page 99 of Fervency Love

They’re waiting for me downstairs, fixing me with attentive stares. Nikki speaks first.

“Well? What did he say? Tell us!”

“He said it was true,” I reply sadly, fighting not to cry.

“Oh, god damn it!” Nikki hugs me.

“What a prick,” Ivy comments. “Unbelievable.”

“What are you going to do now?”

“Let’s go to the park. We’ll walk and talk.”

I tell them everything on the way. They both agree that I should dump him, though they know it won’t be easy.

“I feel the same. I don’t want to see him again. Really, something snapped inside me. First that kid, now Elsa. It’s sick. He’s always going somewhere, not telling me a thing…”

Memories race through my head, snippets, hundreds of moments when I had that strange feeling that Ve’s hidingsomething from me. Christ, what now? My friends keep silent. I’m grateful to them for that. They’re sweet. When we’re back by my building, I give them a hug and go upstairs. The unpleasant thoughts are back as soon as I’m alone. Maybe that bet is still on? Maybe he told them he dumped me, that he fucked me and that’s it? That’s why he always slips away and arrives late. He’s living a double life… It’s not that I don’t believe him when he says his feelings are true. I do. I can feel that. But there’s something wrong. Or maybe it’s always been wrong. Maybe in the beginning I wasn’t alert enough. Maybe he just wrapped me around his finger. I’m pretty prone to that. When I trust someone, I trust them all the way. Sadly, people use that, and I always lose out for being too naive. I hadn’t thought it would be the same with Connor.

He was everything to me. I don’t know how badly he would have to piss me off for me to lie to him. To do something against him. Maybe it was a mistake to measure him according to my standards. I was naive to think he wouldn’t lie to me. The thing between us is a bit like dancing. It’s good, and then the next moment he does something stupid and it’s bad. I get offended and he tries his best for a while, then we get back to square one. That can’t be healthy. Maybe he’s not the one for me after all. We’ll grow apart and everyone will be better off. His buddies will be happy they got him back, and my parents will finally have their problem out of the way. We’ll finally stop pushing and pulling. I don’t get it. This is changing me. I’m beginning to feel lost in my own emotions. I’m drowning in the ocean of thought and extreme feelings. I’m not sure who I am anymore. One thing is for certain—it’s so strong, I’m really worried it’s going to consume me, devour me, grind me up, and spit me out, leaving nothing.

Chapter 49

Abby

I decided to avoid him until I got the effect I wanted. I didn’t write, I didn’t text, I didn’t call him. I even went to school at a different time to miss him. That proved effective for two weeks. Two whole weeks of skulking around like a ghost. My parents started to worry I’d had something bad to eat. I was pale and barely ate, saying I was nauseous. And explaining that I wasn’t pregnant. I stayed home for a couple of days, sitting on the balcony and staring straight ahead, living on sunlight.

I’m leaving school right now. I see him sitting on a bench by the building. My heart starts hammering wildly. I’m out of breath all over again.Breathe, breathe,I tell myself. I pass him by, pretending not to see him. He pushes to his feet and jogs over.

“Hey, Abbs!”

“Hey,” I bark and turn away. I can’t look him in the eyes.

“Can we talk?” he asks. I don’t know what to say. I stay quiet. He slides a finger under my chin and raises it. “Look at me,” he whispers.

I swing around and leave. This is no place for a scene. I can hear him following me. Then he bars my way.

“Say something.” His voice is pleading. Something melts inside me. It’s my anger and my disappointment. I’m completely defenseless in his company, which pisses me off all the more.

“I told you everything the last time,” I say and walk straight past him, heading to the bus stop.

“Please, listen to me.” He grabs my wrist. There’s that familiar jolt. The heat spreading along my body.

“What do you have to tell me that’s new?”

I gather my courage and look him in the eyes. What I see there is surprising. They’re dull, filled with pain and sadness. That completes the process of melting the disappointment I had in him.

“Abbs. I’m really sorry. You’re right. I think I’m not used to sharing things with anyone. Sometimes I forget myself and just do things my way. I go somewhere because I feel like it. I’ve always done so. In my plans, I never had to factor in anyone else. Shit, I don’t do that on purpose. I really don’t want to lie to you or hide anything. I thought I wasn’t doing anything wrong until that last argument, when you made me see the truth. I’ll do my best to change. Just, please, don’t turn away from me. Don’t leave me. I can’t stand it. The way I felt these last weeks was completely alien to me. I’ve never been such a fucking emotional wreck. Trust me, it’s hard to admit that to myself, so imagine how hard it is to admit it to you.”

He finishes his monologue, and I stay rooted to the spot. I don’t know what to say. I can’t move. He’s right, to be honest. I understand him. I’m just not sure if I can trust him again. I’m fighting myself, though deep down I already know I can’t live without him.

“Alright,” I say finally. “But you really need to stop forgetting. Do you know how I feel when other people tell me what you did? What must they think about me? That I’m some kind of loser. I don’t want to feel like that.”

“Thank you,” he says and shifts closer, uncertainly. His hand slides into my hair. His brow touches mine. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I say and stand on my toes to reach his lips with mine. He presses against me. We kiss for a long while. I feel my body filling with light again.

“How did you know when I finish school?” I ask when we finally pull apart.

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