Page 75 of Hot Girl Summer

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I hesitate for a second, but I know I can trust him. I know he genuinely cares, and I feel a pull to open up to him. “It’s just...it doesn’t make it go away. I’m not naive. I know this will probably be the rest of her life. There are no quick fixes with mental illness. I just wanted her to have a better life than I did. I can’t help but feel partly responsible for the way she is. If I hadn’t been so difficult, if I had been there, there would have been no need for her to do this to herself.”

“Do you honestly think that? You can’t blame yourself.”

“But she’s my sister, Danny. I never wanted her to be like me.”

“What’s so wrong with you? You’re kind, you’re beautiful, and you make everyone around you feel important. I mean, you’ve just had an accident. You could have been seriously hurt and here you are thinking about your sister still. She’s lucky to have you.”

“I’m sorry,” I say, smiling through another tear.

“Don’t be.” He kisses me again lightly, and all I can taste is the saltiness of my tears between our lips.

“But I’m not those things.” I pause to collect my thoughts.

“When Kiki was born, my mum had complications. They stayed in hospital, and my dad took the week off work to take care of me. I was twelve or thirteen at the time, and I thought it was ridiculous. It was the summer holidays, and I thought I was an adult, that I didn’t need my dad to babysit me. We went to the beach every day. We ate fish and chips, dinky doughnuts and Mr Whippy ice cream. We swam in the sea at low tide, picked periwinkles and built sandcastles. We walked for hours, talking about nothing in particular, or sometimes saying nothing at all and we trawled the shore looking for sea glass. He took me to the Sea Life centre and won me this ridiculous otter stuffed toy from the grabber machine, and he told me that otters were special. That the older ones take care of their younger siblings, and as long as their parents were alive, otter siblings often never part. I was so in awe of my dad, he was this beacon of information, like he seemed to know everything without ever needing to Google. He just knew things. It was the best day ever when he won me that toy.”

Danny listens to me in silence, and the rise and fall of his chest tells me he hasn’t died of boredom yet.

“When mum finally brought Kiki home, it was like I had disappeared, or rather my dad had. It sounds ridiculous, but it felt like the instant she was born, all his love for me had been projected onto her. That week we spent together was the best ever, but it was bittersweet because I felt like he was saying goodbye. I mean, imagine being jealous of a baby? I resented her for taking my dad away from me for a long time. I was so used to being an only child, then suddenly, I had to share my parents. Why did she get to have him and not me?

“People can be there physically, but it doesn’t mean they’re with you spiritually and emotionally. My dad left me the moment Kiki came home, and I’ve spent a lot of time trying to work on myself to be the daughter he’d be proud of. And I guess that’s why I have such low expectations of men. That’s why I let Ryan cheat on me, and why I turn a blind eye to him cheating on Chrissy. I’ve spent the best part of my twenties believing that party girls don’t get hurt. I closed off the parts of me that felt good because it felt better to be numb.”

Danny tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear, and meets my gaze. Before I say what I’m about to say, I hesitate. But I remind myself that this is a safe space. Our force field.

“I don’t want to be numb anymore.”

He searches my face, then pauses briefly before opening his mouth to speak. “I hope you know I would never hurt you, and I’ll never leave you,” he says, and then he pauses, before saying, “Can I tell you something?”

I meet his gaze, awaiting some kind of confession.

“I’m low-key obsessed with you,” he whispers.

I swear to God my heart is on fire when I kiss him, and as we talk, doze, spoon and slow fuck into the early hours, I realise I’m done chasing cheap thrills. I’m done using men and hurting myself in the process just to get over the last one. I’m exactly where I want—and need—to be.

Chapter Twenty-One

ThelittlesleepIhave is restful, but I wake up in agony, and my shoulder hurts like an absolute bitch. I glance towards Danny, who’s facing the opposite way, but judging by his lack of movement and steady breathing it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that he’s asleep. Maybe I did finally bore him to death.

Taking care not to wake him, I slide out from underneath the covers, find his shirt on the floor, and wrap myself up in the crisp white cotton. His muted Riviera scent lingers on the fabric, giving me the comfort I don’t know I’m craving.

Quietly, I step out into the hallway and make my way downstairs to grab my phone on the coffee table where I left it. Penny bounds towards me for a morning cuddle, then she makes a beeline for the kitchen, pawing at the bi-fold door. I open them up and let her outside, then drop a quick text to Stefan and Lauren, and call my mum for an update on Kiki.

Once Penny has relieved herself and is back inside, I lock up and creep back upstairs. Before I make it back to the bedroom, the door clicks open, and Danny emerges looking deliciously vulnerable with his adorably dishevelled bedhead and day-old stubble. His white socks and boxer briefs finish off the look perfectly. I stop in my tracks, drinking in the sight of him, my mind triggering those magical memories of last night. He meets me halfway by a narrow wooden staircase that I hadn’t noticed yesterday.

“Morning you,” he says, a lazy smile spread across his face.

“Morning.”

He eyes the phone in my hand. “Any news?”

“She’s eating, which is a huge relief. They’re running tests and taking bloods today, so it’s essentially a waiting game. But my mum seems pretty positive that she’ll be allowed to come home.”

“That’s great,” he says.

I force a smile, but my heart fills with sadness. As if he can see right through me, he closes the gap between us, cradles my face in his hands and kisses the top of my head. It’s exactly what I need.

“She’ll be okay,” he says.

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