Page 26 of Cartel King

“You know you make it hard to concentrate when you make me want to fuck you even more than usual.”

I have another one of those beached trout moments—I sit here just blinking.

“Ellie, I love your independence and how you challenge me. But your safety is a topic that’s non-negotiable. If we’re together in any way—friend or dating—you will obey everything I tell you for your safety. If you don’t, I’ll bare your ass and spank you. Earlier will feel like taps. I’m asking you to accept the detail, but you’ll have one regardless of your answer. If this has nothing to do with us, then it’ll be temporary. If it’s about us, especially if our friendship becomes more, then the detail is in place permanently.”

“You mean until I die or until things end.”

His dark eyes bore into my soul. I don’t know what he’s thinking because he doesn’t want me to. I’ve only known what he wants me to. He’s a man with more secrets than the Vatican.

“I’ll accept just friendship from you because you said you don’t want a committed relationship. I’ll accept being a fuck buddy if that’s all you’ll offer. But I want to be with you romantically. I want to see if we can have a lasting relationship. I wouldn’t want that, and I wouldn’t agree to anything else, if I didn’t mean for the definite future.”

“Definite? How long is that?”

“Definite as in there’s no question we have a future together.”

I want to hold on to that. Sink my nails into it and cling to it for dear life. I want companionship, even love. But not more than I want to avoid disappointment. It’s cowardly, but I don’t give a shit. Dress me up as a lion and call this fucking house Oz. I don’t want to depend on Enrique for anything, certainly not my emotional fulfillment. I told him I’m not risk averse, but that’s in business. I’m one-hundred percent risk averse to getting my heart broken.

“I’m spooking you. You’re ready to bolt. Let’s just deal with whatever’s happening with the car.”

“I’m not scared, and I’d walk you to the door if I didn’t want to be around you. I’m working through all of this. I won’t give up the friendship we’re building. That’s not in question. I’m brave enough to have sex with you as long as you’re in front of me. I’m not brave enough yet for you to see the parts of me I dislike the most. I’m not ready for anything more than casual dating. I admit it. If I want to run, I want no strings attached that’ll tie me down.”

“Do you want to date in general?”

“I’ve thought about it, but I’m not on any apps and haven’t gone out with a goal to meet somebody.”

“Do you want to date more than one person?”

This is wading into shit I don’t want to discuss. My emotions are contradictory, and I’ll sound like a bitch.

“Ellie, you can tell me anything.”

The fuck I can.

I wait too long because I watch him retreat.

“You won’t open up because there are things I won’t tell you. I know it’s not fair I?—”

“What you can or can’t tell me isn’t a factor.”

“Then what is? Do you want to date other men?”

“Not particularly.”

“Do you want to be alone?”

“Yes.”

My deadpan response surprises him.

“I spent nearly thirty years being lonely in a marriage. I’d rather be alone than lonely with someone there.”

“And you assume that’s what would happen with us? That I wouldn’t give you what you need.”

“I don’t know you well enough to know. Even if you did, I don’t know that I ever want to give up my freedom again. I don’t want tohave toconsider a partner’s feelings before I decide. I don’t want tohave toput someone else ahead of me for the sake of keeping the peace. I’ve spent nearly thirty years doing my best not to be selfish. I’ve compromised—or rather, told myself I’m compromising but never gotten equal sacrifice in return. I’ve given up doing things—given up even considering doing things—for someone else’s sake. I don’t know if I’ll always feel this way. I don’t know how long it’ll take me to stop feeling this way if I ever do. I need to breathe. I need to feel like I can fill my lungs rather than always being suffocated.”

I pray he understands what I’m muddling my way through because I sound like an utterly selfish bitch right now. I sound petty and immature to my own ears. Maybe I am.

“I don’t want to play the field, Enrique. I don’t want to date a slew of men. I’d like to fuck. I want to do that a lot. As in how strongly I wish to do that and how much I want to have. I’m not looking to rack up a body count. I want to make up for lost time, but not indiscriminately.”

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