Page 25 of Single Dad Dilemma

“Yeah, I know,” he says, but it doesn’t sound like he believes it.

“Really, Carson. You can’t be in control of everything. Some things in life just happen. We just have to learn how to go with the flow and let go when it’s time.”

“Yeah, easier said than done,” he mumbles, sitting up and pulling on his clothes.

I take a deep breath, then do the same. He’s probably feeling too exposed right now, being naked with me, a woman who isn’t his wife, and talking about his feelings. But this side of him is a side I hadn’t seen before. I see how broken he is, how much pain he’s in. What’s happening between us isn’t because he has feelings for me. What’s happening between us is just physical for him. He’s not recovering from his wife’s passing. He’s just masking the pain with something else, with me. I know if we continue going down this path, it’s only a matter of time before we all end up hurt, Margo included. And she’s the last person I want to hurt in all of this.

I stand up and pull my clothes back on, and he walks over to the door and flips on the light. In the bright, harsh light, I can see all his pain and worry on his face, making each line and crease seem that much more prominent.

“Carson,” I say, sitting down to put my shoes on. He looks over at me but doesn’t speak. “I’m afraid we’re moving a little fast for you. I think you know it, too, but you’re…I don’t know, too afraid of saying in for fear of hurting my feelings for something.”

He doesn’t respond. That tells me that I’m right.

“I feel like if we keep this up, someone will get hurt. I’ll either fall in love with you, a man who’s unavailable because he’s holding onto the past, or you’ll freak out when you realize that I’ve distracted you from thinking about your wife. And the last person I want to hurt in this is Margo. She doesn’t deserve that. And I don’t want to hurt you either. You’ve been through enough. So, I won’t be coming back here. This thing we’ve started, I’m ending it.” I stand up and turn to face him directly. “I think it’s best for all of us.”

He grinds his teeth together, causing his jaw to flex, and he nods.

“I’m sorry for everything, and please feel free to bring Margo to see me at the bakery. You’ll always be welcome there. But I can’t keep doing this when you’re still so in love with your wife. When you heal, come find me. Maybe it won’t be too late.”

I reach forward and cup my hand around his jaw. His eyes level on me, and for the first time, I see all the pain and suffering he’s going through right now. He gives into my touch a little, tilting his head to press his cheek more firmly into my hand. Without another word, I let my hand fall back to my side. I try to offer him a small smile, but I’m afraid that the only thing that I can pull off is a sad one. I walk out of the bedroom, down the stairs, and out the front door for the last time.

I make it to my car before the tears start to fall. How can I be this upset already? Carson and I, we weren’t dating. We never talked about dating or the future we could have. We’ve only slept together twice, but each time, it felt more and more right. Now I feel like the future I thought I was going to have has been pulled out from under me like the rug I was standing on. I hope this feeling passes quickly. I don’t know how to get over someone I never truly had.

TEN

Carson

She’s one-hundred-percent right, and I can’t stop her from walking away.

The truth is, I’ve been using her, and I can’t blame her for not wanting to be used. I’m in no way ready to let go of my past and my wife, and until I can do that, I can’t give myself to anyone. It doesn’t matter that I think she’s beautiful, nice, and a good person. It doesn’t matter that Margo loves her like a mother figure. What matters is that I can’t treat her the way she wants to be treated. She wants to mean something to me, and I can’t feel anything for her. Not yet. Not when Kate is still taking up my whole heart.

I have to figure out a way to let her go, to heal, to be more than I am. Not only for Violet, but for myself and my daughter. Margo doesn’t know any different right now, but soon, she’ll grown up, and when she looks at me, I don’t want her seeing a lost and lonely man staring back at her. Moving here was the first step at moving on with my life. I guess it’s time for me to start working on the rest of those steps.

I don’t know how to let her go, though. I wish I knew how. It would make this process a lot easier. How do I live through a day without thinking of her? Even when I’m in the garageand keeping myself busy with work, she’s still in the back of my mind. I remember things we did or said in the past, or I just sit with her inside of my head, imagining a conversation that we would be having if she were still here. I guess that isn’t completely healthy. It keeps her alive in ways I shouldn’t. She’s gone, and I need to force myself to believe it.

Time passes by slowly,too slowly as it always does when you’re working on something. In my case, it’s myself. Each day, I put forth an effort to think of Kate a little less. Each day, it gets easier and easier, although not by much. Time also passes slowly because I haven’t been man enough to show my face around Violet again, and Margo is not letting me off the hook. It’s been three weeks, and she still asks to go see her every day. But I can’t. Not yet. Not until I get my shit under control.

I made the decision to put Margo into the daycare here in town. This lets her meet some friends her age, and it keeps her out of the garage so I can work. It also gives her something to look forward to every day. As she makes new friends, she mentions Violet less and less but never forgets her completely. She says things like, “My friend Violet,” or “Remember when we’d go get those yummy donuts and you would talk to Violet?”

She doesn’t understand why we can’t go see her, and I can’t tell her why. I wish I could’ve kept myself in check with her, but I slipped up and let her in before I was ready. The thing that stands out the most to me, though, is how all those hours I’d spent thinking of Kate before are now spent thinking about Violet. I remember the nights we had together, and I miss her company. I miss her laugh and nervous smiles. I miss feelinghow hot and tight she always was when she welcomed me into her body.

Then Kate makes her way back into my memory, leaving me feeling guilty. I try to remind myself that our vows stated until death do us part, so technically, I’m a free man. So why do I feel like I’m cheating on her? I know it’s stupid, but I can’t get over it.

Minutes turn to hours and hours turn to days. Days turn to weeks. I work on myself every minute, always reminding myself to think of the future instead of the past. That’s hard to do when you’re trying to keep someone’s memory alive for the sake of your little girl. I have to learn to talk about her objectively. I tell Margo things about her mom, but I think of it as a history lesson. Like I’m talking about someone I didn’t personally know. I may as well be talking about George Washington. I try to remain detached. It’s the only way that I’ve found to work around it.

It’s late August now. It’s been more than a month since I last saw Violet and the urge to see her gets stronger every day. But I don’t want to go dragging Margo back into this, so after I drop her at daycare, I make the journey across town to the bakery. I walk in like usual, and the bell above the door rings.

“Just a sec!” she calls out from the back.

I walk up to the counter with my hands in my pockets, waiting.

The swinging door opens, and she comes rushing out. “How can I help?” she starts but then her eyes find mine, and the words fall from her lips. She mentally prepares herself. I can see it in the way she nods her head once and squares her shoulders, like she’s ready for whatever I can throw at her.

I offer up a friendly smile. “What’s going on, Violet?”

Her eyes widen in surprise. She looks around, then her eyes are right back on me. “Where’s Margo? Is she okay? Is she hurt or sick?”

“No, no,” I say, holding my hand up, palm facing her. “She’s fine. I signed her up for daycare a while back. I figured it would give me more time to work, and she would make some friends before school starts this fall.”

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