Page 108 of Illusory

The sooner I put space between us, the sooner I could go back to calcifying my heart to the both of them.

“You’re my soulmate,” he murmured, and I froze, my back turned to him and my hand on the door handle, grasping but not turning. “You can’t just walk away from that—fromme.” He stepped behind me, his hands coming up to my waist and then wrapping around me so that I was cradled in his arms, my back pressed against his chest.

The soulmate bond sang between us, making my eyes slip shut and my hand drop away from the handle without even meaning to.

Fuck. This was precisely why he couldn’t be in here. I would fold and I couldn’t afford to go backwards. To have to destroy him all over again. We’d only be right back where we started.

“I don’twantto walk away from you,” I said as I slowly turned in his arms, every part of my body pressed up against every part of his. The truth was, all I’d ever wanted to do from the moment I met him was walk to him—to be wherever he was and with him always.

“Then dothat,” he answered back, hearing my thoughts. “That’s all I want, Jemma. Just tell me how to fix this. Tell me how to make it better.”

“You can’t make it better, Trace. You didn’t do anything wrong. Not once. Not ever. I’m the one that did this. I’m the one that fucked everything up.”

“Then we’ll figure out a way tounfuck it up. Just don’tpush me away. Do anything but that.”

I could feel my resolve yielding, tumbling like flecks of dust as his hand came up to move a strand of hair from my eyes and then sank into my curls to cup the base of my head. Every part of my being stood at attention for him, awakening and humming like a madwoman dancing naked and wildly under the moon.

All I wanted to do was surrender to the bond—to sink all the way into him and lay waste to everything around us. To not think or care or feel anything but this moment.

“We’ll figure it outtogether,” he whispered, his mouth inching closer to mine. “Just like we’ve always done.”

In that moment, there was nothing I wanted to do more than that. To feel his lips on mine, to let his kiss and touch and words erase all the hurt that was destroying my body like a cancer.

But…but then what?

Where would that leave us after the moment passed or tomorrow when I was alone with Dominic and inevitably felt the same exact way with him? Where would that bring us except precisely to the same dead-end spot we were standing in right now?

Trace dropped his head, and my heart sank all the way down to the Hell I’d hailed from. Without even meaning to, I’d done it again. I fucking hurt himagain.

I squeezed my eyes shut like the coward I was, unable to face up to the mess I’d made of him even though the gutted look on his face was already seared into my brain.

‘This is why it has to end, Trace’, I thought silently, pushing the words to him through our connection. ‘I’ll only ever hurt you, and in the end, it’ll destroy us both.’

He pressed his forehead against mine and the tears I had been working so hard to restrain began to trickle out from myclosed eyes, running freely down my cheeks again.

“How am I supposed to live without you?” he murmured, his words a hushed whisper that somehow echoed in my mind like a bloodcurdling scream. “You might as well just stake me, Jemma. Put me out of my fucking misery because I can’t do this life without you.”

Horrified, my eyes popped open, but he was already gone, leaving me standing in my room alone with my back against the door, my heart in tatters, and the acrid taste of guilt on my tongue.

As much as I wanted to go after him, to find some way to take his pain away, I didn’t know how to do that without giving him more false hope.

So I didn’t move.

Not then, and not for hours afterwards.

Not even when the sun bowed down to the horizon and slipped away into oblivion.

35. FROM FIRE TO ASH

If it had been up to me, I would not have left my room for the rest of my life. No good came out of leaving my room. I hurt and mauled and broke hearts when I left my room. Unfortunately, Gabriel hadn’t gotten that memo when he summoned me down to the basement for a bloodsharing session with Trace.

Truth be told, I almost refused to do it, worried that it would somehow be giving Trace mixed messages, but then I reminded myself that this wasn’t about me and my feelings. It was about helping Trace. Regardless of our relationship status, he was still newly Turned, and he needed help acclimating, especially to my blood if we were going to be staying under the same roof.

After throwing on the frumpiest sweater and jogging pants I could find in my wardrobe, I made my way down to the basement to face my Judge, Jury, and Executioner, though I still hadn’t decided which of the guys was which.

“There she is,” said Gabriel as I descended the last of the stairs and paused at the bottom landing, my gaze ziplining between the three of them.

Gabriel was standing by the mini fridge holding a couple of blood donor bags in his hand as though he had been taking stock, while Dominic stood beside him looking irritated, though I wasn’t sure if it was with Gabriel, me, or the situation as a whole. Probably a little bit of all three.

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