Page 97 of Illusory

I could already feel it, the way it ticked in my chest listlessly like a car rolling on its last fumes of gas. I could feel the cavernous emptiness inside me, inside the places that Trace and Dominic had always filled, and I could feel it swelling and growing and multiplying like a clawed ravenous beast, pulling all the blinding light into its shadow so that it may live out the remainder of its life in the darkness.

There was a painful hollowness there now. A gnawing ache I knew would follow me wherever I went for the rest of my days. Maybe that was the reason why I had never been able to muscle the courage to do the right thing before today. Because subconsciously, I knew how visceral the pain of losing them would be, how completely and wholly it would ruin me, and maybe, I just wasn’t strong enough to bear that kind of pain then. I hadn’t been hardened enough to wear those scars yet. But I was now.

I had to be.

Being with them had been the ride of my life, but it was over now. We’d crashed and burned beyond repair with nowhere else to take shelter. It was inevitable really and I think a part of me always knew that deep down in that place I dared not venture that this was precisely where we had beenheading all along. I couldn’t pick between the two of them, not even to save our lives, and now I realized they were both better off for it.

What kind of life would they have with me anyway? I was Lucifer’s daughter. A walking curse and black cloud of destruction. A literal abomination.

Without me, their lives would be so much easier. Simpler. Safer. There would be no constant threats from the outside, no pain and heartbreak and impossibly knotted triangles gouging their hearts from the inside out. Without me selfishly keeping them tied to me, they would eventually find another great love…one that was able to give them the whole of her heart the way that they both deserved.

And I wanted that for them. I really did. The honest, selfless part of me wanted them to have all the beautiful things they’d given me. To feel the kind of life-changing love that made you weightless and indestructible all at once. Like you could jump off a ten-story building and just walk the whole thing off. I wanted them to have the kind of love that was pure and unyielding and devoted, a love unencumbered by pain and sacrifice. In that moment, I wanted that for them more than I’d ever wanted anything in my entire life.

As gut-wrenching as it was for me to imagine my own life without them, to imagine a world where I didn’t have their fiery love and protection sheltering me, their gentle touches and heated kisses restoring my mind and body, their able hands to hold onto when the going got rough, I was willing to give all of that up if it meant they could be happier. That they could finally get the untainted love I’d always wished I’d been able to give them.

Tears streamed down my face as I pictured my life without them. The ache and budding sorrow was almost too much to stomach. I could all but taste the heartbreaking emptinessthat would accompany my life without them.

But I knew it was better for them.

I knew that and I accepted it, hoping that in time my own heart might be able to find a way to piece itself together again. Not completely, because I knew that would never be possible, but enough of a fix that it would no longer hurt just to take a breath without them by my side.

Wiping away at my tears, I vowed to finally do right by them in the only way I knew how. By letting them go. By giving them the things they’d never reach out and take on their own.

I slapped away another tear and gazed out at the rushing water, my chest feeling edgeless and hollow like everything that was holding me together had been snatched from my body and tossed into the river. How was I ever going to survive a lifetime without them when I could barely make it through the hour?

What we had…it had been everything to me. It filled me up and healed me in ways I’d never expected. And despite the way we crashed and burned, it had been real, and it could never be erased or taken away from me.

Maybe that was how I was going to survive this. By holding onto that for as long as I could. Every moment, every kiss, every touch, every laugh and every tear. I’d wrap it all up and bury it like a treasure so deep inside of me that it could never be removed. And I’d return to it in my darkest hours, feeding off the memories of their lips and whispered promises and tangled limbs, and I’d let that be enough to carry me through.

Maybe I’d even be able to take solace in knowing that they were finally truly happy and being loved the way that they deserved to be loved. I’d watch them from afar and I’d stay the hell away, loving them only from a distance where they weresafe. Loving them from my memories. From the safety of my dreams where I couldn’t hurt them anymore.

I’d hold onto those dreams of happily-ever-after, in some other life—on some other Timeline—where it had worked out for the three of us. Where we hadn’t been doomed from the start, and I’d gotten the chance to live out my fairytale with the both of them by my side.

The sound of a car door slamming shut in the distance drew my attention away from the river and my shattered heart and directed it to the girl with bouncing red curls heading my way. I swiped away at my soaked cheeks again as Morgan made her way down the embankment over to where I was perched on the rocks.

“If you weren’t a Seer, I’d think you were stalking me,” I said, watching as she fumbled clumsily through the overgrown brush and onto the rocky beach.

“Don’t flatter yourself,” she said as she reached my spot and then tossed her hair over her shoulders before peering down at me. “I saw your car parked on the side of the road.”

“And you just felt the undeniable urge to rush over and say hi?” I asked sarcastically because we both knew she couldn’t care less about me.

“No. I was already on my way to your house.”

An uncomfortable chill prickled the back of my neck. “Please don’t tell me you had another vision. That’s literally the last thing I need to hear today.”

“No, not a vision,” she said and then eyed me for a moment as if just noticing something on my face. “That’s actually the problem I came to talk to you about.”

I blinked, staring up at her.

“Something’s wrong with my ability,” she said sounding a lot less panicked than her eyes looked. “I haven’t been able to see anything for almost two days.”

“And seeing as you’re here telling me this, I’m guessing that’s not a normal thing.” I mean, what did I know? For all I knew, she only had visions once a week.

“That’s putting it mildly. I can’t even pull up my past visions anymore. It’s like there’s nothing there. I’m just drawing blank after blank,” she said as she dusted off a spot on the rocks beside me and then sat down.

“And that’s never happened before? Like, it’s not just an off day or something?” I asked, having no actual idea how her ability worked.

“No. Never.” She shook her head. “It feels like there’s some kind of block there, like something’s stopping me from accessing my visions,” she said lowly and then met my eyes, her own turning dark. “It feels like magic.”

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