Page 86 of Where the Heart Is

But she felt none of those things as she neared him. In fact, she felt nothing but love, a warm glow that spread through her chest and made her want to fling herself into his arms when he glanced up and caught sight of her.

‘Ads,’ he said, and stood; it was all he had to say before she ran to him and they embraced.

They hugged for a long time, words superfluous, as she realised she’d never felt so at home as she did in this man’s arms.

When they eventually disengaged, Jack said, ‘You remembered my hiding spot?’

‘I remember a lot of things,’ she said, with a smile. ‘And I’d like to make new memories with you so I can remember those in another fourteen years.’

‘You’ll be eighty-seven then, and I’ll be eighty-eight.’ He grimaced. ‘And I’ll be just as grumpy, if not worse.’

‘I can handle it.’ She took hold of his hand. ‘Now that we’ve both calmed down, shall we make plans for the future?’

Rather than joy transforming his features as she hoped, Jack couldn’t quite meet her eyes. ‘I’d like nothing better, Ads, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.’

Fear clutched her chest. ‘Is that what you’ve been doing out here all day?’

He nodded. ‘I always did my best thinking here. I needed the time out sometimes, to make sense of it all.’

‘Sounds like you don’t want a future with me after all?’ Her voice wavered. ‘You can’t forgive me for walking away?’

He shook his head. ‘No, that’s not it. I can forgive you. I want to, as much as I want to give us another chance. But …’ He trailed off, misery clouding his eyes. ‘There’s something I have to tell you.’

‘Whatever it is, I’m right here, Jack Hayes, and I’m not going anywhere.’

He took hold of her other hand and squeezed both. ‘When my parents died and I inherited the farm, I didn’t have time to grieve. I felt this weight of responsibility to prove myself, even though they weren’t around anymore.’

He grimaced. ‘I’d never wanted to stay on the farm, and I made that clear to my folks, repeatedly. I was such a disappointment to them, so when I had to step up, I wanted to make up for it, even if they weren’t around to see it. Then I met you and I wanted to be wherever you were, so I resented being tethered here. But then this miracle happened, and you gave up everything for me, and while I was ecstatic, I couldn’t help but feel even more guilt, that I’d deprived you of a life of luxury you were used to and I might not live up to your expectations.’

He hung onto her hands so tight she braced for what was to come.

‘I know I should’ve been happy. I’d married the love of my life, we had a new baby, and I was making a go of the farm. But all I felt every day when I woke was a sense of dread. A sense I wasn’t good enough. A sense I’d inevitably fail and I’d lose you.’

His shoulders slumped. ‘I was sad all the time and I didn’t want to put that on you, so I retreated. I spent more time away from the homestead and I hid out here regularly. I saw the way you looked at me, like I disappointed you, and that made it worse because I loathed myself for putting you through it when you could’ve had a better life, one that you deserved. It got to the point I couldn’t touch you because I was that much of a failure … and it just snowballed from there.’

Tears welled in her eyes at what he’d gone through, what they’d both gone through, back then.

‘When you left, you proved what I’d always thought. I wasn’t deserving of you, and I couldn’t inflict any more sadness on you. The least I could do was let you go. So that’s why I didn’t come after you, despite every bone in my body urging me to do it. And I got sadder. A lot sadder, to the point Mila started watching me like she was terrified I’d leave too. So I went to the doc and he confirmed what I pretty much suspected. I had depression and had been suffering for a long time. He put me on meds, and I started seeing a psychologist in Nhill. It took time but I eventually started feeling myself again, like it was worth going on rather than …’ Pain contorted his face. ‘Rather than contemplating ending my misery every damn day. Something I’d been thinking about, even before you left.’

He blew out a breath. ‘Over the years, I wondered if I should’ve confided in you, if telling you how bad I was feeling would’ve changed things for us. But I had to be thankful you’d escaped because I’d dragged you down for long enough.’

He lifted both her hands and pressed them to his chest. ‘Though I never stopped harbouring this foolish hope you might come back. That’s why I built the cottage. And the bungalow, which is a studio actually, where you could paint. I wanted to prove I’d listened to you all those years earlier, even if I didn’t show it.’

‘Oh, Jack.’ She let the tears fall and he swiped them away gently, his own trickling down his cheeks.

This stoic man had endured so much and thought she’d abandoned him because he’d never been good enough. If only he’d told her, but there was no point lamenting the past now. Their future was what counted.

When they stopped crying, Jack said, ‘I want to show you something back at the studio.’

A studio he’d made for her. A testament to his love, that he’d never forgotten her even if she thought he had. ‘Okay. I have my car back, so I’ll meet you at home?’

‘Home,’ he echoed, his voice filled with wonder. ‘Our home.’

‘For as long as you’ll have me,’ she said, slipping her hand into his. ‘Leave your car here and come with me. I don’t want to let you out of my sight.’

He chuckled. ‘I’m not going to do a runner.’ He paused and winked. ‘Like you.’

‘Too soon, Jack,’ she said, with a mock frown, before joining in his laughter.

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