Page 67 of Pity Play

“I want to be happy,” I tell her plainly. “I just don’t know what the outside trappings of happiness look like.” I’ve never really put this feeling into words before, but now that I’m saying it out loud, I realize how true it is.

“You want to get married someday, don’t you?” She’s clearly having a hard time accepting that I’m so different from her.

“I’d like to get married, yes. But marriage isn’t the goal.”

“The goal is happiness …” She sounds skeptical.

“Yeah, I mean, if I’m happy, then why do I need to fit into other people’s definition of what that means? Can’t I just figure it out for myself?”

“Is that what you’re doing?” she wants to know. “Figuring it out for yourself while hiding away in Elk Lake?”

“That was mean,” I tell her sharply.

“Maybe so, but isn’t that what you’re doing?”

Allie is volunteering some unpleasant opinions that I don’t particularly appreciate. “First of all,” I tell her. “I don’t consider living in Elk Lake as hiding. I’ve been resting. Taking a break. You know, waiting for the next thing to come along.”

“This break of yours could have gone on indefinitely had your parents never decided to sell.”

Now I’m getting mad. “It would have gone on as long as it went on.”

She arches her eyebrows like she’s inspecting an alien life form. “The whole idea about being an adult is doing things that move your life forward.” She itemizes, “For most of us that includes careers, marriage, homeownership, and having a family.”

“I’m twenty-eight,” I tell her plainly. “I’m not going to feel pressured to do things just because society tells me I should.”

“Yes, but we have to grow up.”

“You feel pressure to do these things,” I say. When she nods, I add, “And yet, you and I are both in the same boat. We’re both working jobs we didn’t go to school for and we’re both living with our parents. How is the way you went about this any better than the way I did?” I’m not saying that to be nasty, either. I really want to know how I’m the loser here.

“I grew up and did the things I was supposed to do,” she says, sounding confused. “I didn’t ask for my husband to leave me because I couldn’t have a baby.”

“Obviously not,” I tell her. “But that’s what happened. So again, I’d like to know how your choices have been better than mine?”

Allie stands up and starts pacing across the living room floor like she’s trying to gather enough steam to launch herself intospace. She suddenly stops and turns on me, wielding her pointer finger like it’s a gun. “At least I tried.”

“So have I,” I tell her. “Up until very recently I had a job that I liked, and I’ve taken care of my parents’ house while they’re away.”

“Everyone has to take care of the place they live,” she retaliates.

Ignoring that comment, I say, “I know you’re upset about Brett getting married, but that is not my fault.”

“It’s not my fault, either,” she responds dejectedly.

“No, it’s not, but I feel like you’ve come over here guns-a-blazing, looking for someone to blame your sadness on and that is not going to be me.”

Allie inhales deeply before bursting into tears. “I’m sorry, Lorelai. I didn’t mean half of the things I said to you. I really didn’t. It’s just that I’ve done everything right and I can’t believe my life isn’t working out like it should have.”

I feel bad for Allie. “If you’d had a baby with Brett then you might never have found out his true character. Would you have wanted to remain ignorant to something like that?”

She scoffs. “Ignorance is bliss though, right?”

“You can’t honestly be saying that you would have preferred to stay in the dark about the kind of man you married.”

“Maybe he would have been a better man if I could have had a baby.”

“Allison, character flaws like Brett’s don’t simply disappear because the person is never faced with challenges. If you’d had a baby and found out later that your husband was a cheat, then you’d spend the rest of your life feeling bad that your kid had such a rotten dad. At least now, you can meet someone a lot healthier and give your future family a better shot at success.”

“IfI meet someone,” she says.

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