Page 64 of Living Without

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It was quiet in the car. I left Saxon to have his thoughts, but I took his hand on the drive to the compound. He never let go until we came to a stop in the car park. Then I asked quietly, “What did my dad say to you?”

“He was privileged to have me as a brother, but to also have me as his daughter’s man.”

“And?”

He groaned. “Let’s get inside.”

“Saxon,” I pleaded.

“He told me to lay it all out, and I will, just not in the truck. Come inside with me.”

“Okay.”

On the way to the room, we were greeted by a few brothers who were lazing around. Not sure if they sensed the tense atmosphere surrounding us, but they didn’t hound us for more of our time. So we kept walking down the hall and into Saxon’s room.

While he paced, I sat on his bed and waited.

He came to a stop and faced me, his hands on his hips. “What I didn’t say in front of your ’rents was when my father came home and saw Mum layin’ on the floor dead, he calmly boiled the kettle and threw it over me, telling me to tell the cops it was self-defence. I had the bruises to prove it, but he wanted more to show them. I did, and then my dad held it over me for the rest of the time I was there. I had to do what he said. He got me to steal shit all the time, and then he continued to beat me like my mum had. At least it wasn’t as bad.” He shrugged. “Nary,” he started, and I watched him gulp. “The boiling water, it landed here”—he pointed to his chest—“and here,” then his stomach.

Anger rose up inside of me, my temperature suddenly high. “He is not your father. He’s a monster like your mother. You have us, you have me.”

“Angel,” he said quietly. “What I’m saying is I’m scarred.”

Narrowing my eyes, I snapped, “So what? So am I.” I gestured wildly to my face with my hand.

“Babe,” he groaned. “This is a different type of scarring. It’s fuckin’ ugly.”

Sighing, I told him, “I used to think mine was as well. The pain I’d been in was terrible. At the time, I didn’t want to live. I thought nothing would be worse than what I was going through. I was wrong. What happened to me and Kelsey was worse, and they leave scars as well, only no one can see them.” I stood from the bed. “I’ve learnt scars, no matter on the inside or out, are pretty.” He scoffed. I stepped closer to him and whispered, “Saxon, they’re beautiful because they show what a person has been through. They’re beautiful because they show how a person has come out of their nightmares with scars, but still they’re living and proving that no matter what anyone will do to them, they can live on and be happy.”

He closed his eyes towards the end. His jaw clenched tightly and he breathed hard through his nose, flaring his nostrils. Stepping closer again, I laid my hands on his chest. He flinched. I ignored it and slid my hands down to the bottom of his tee. There I gripped and slowly pulled his tee up. He let me, but still he didn’t look at me. When I had it free from his body and his arms came back down, I moved my gaze from his face to his chest. I couldn’t help it. I sucked in a breath and tears sprang to my eyes. His skin was puckered and patterned in burn marks.

“Not what you expected?” he asked quietly, but hard. Looking up, his eyes were open and on me. He flinched again when he saw my tears, and then he went to move to pick up his tee.

I grabbed his arms and cried, “No.” He stopped and stood tall, his eyes now hard. I shook my head. “It hurts me to look at them.” He snorted and went to move again. I pressed my hand on his chest and then leant in to touch my lips there. It was his turn to suck in a breath. Glancing up, I said, “It hurts me to look at them because I know you would have been in a lot of pain, and I would never want that for you. They’re you, Saxon. They aren’t ugly. They’re you, and it shows me how strong you really are.”

“Fuck,” he snarled low and then ran a hand over his face. “How’d I get so lucky to have you?”

Smiling, I said, “We’re both lucky. We’ve been through so much, yet we still find each other at the end. We’re fated, meant for each other. And the hard times we’ve been through, and will probably go through again when you annoy me, are sent to test us, but I know we’ll come out better for it at the end.”

“Angel.” His voice sounded pained. “Fuck, Nary. Goddamn, I do love you.”

“And I you, Saxon Black.” Again, I kissed his chest and then asked, “Will you sleep in the bed beside me?”

His eyes flared. “I can’t. I won’t… It’s too soon to—”

I glided my hand to cup the back of his neck. “I know we’re not there yet. All I want is to feel you with me.”

He nodded. “I can do that.”

“Thank you.”

I went to the bed where my nightie was under the pillow and then looked to see Saxon had his back to me, only he was bending to pick up his tee.

“Don’t put that on, please,” I begged.

He nodded and sighed. “Okay.”

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