Page 86 of The Secret's Out

The day before, it had been our own family viewing. I hated it was called that. We went to the funeral home to see Dad laying to rest in his coffin, to say our final goodbye. If Caden and Eli hadn’t been with me when it was my turn in the room with him, I would have lost it.

It hadn’t been my dad in that coffin.

There was nothing left of him inside his body and feeling that, feeling the loss all over again, was like a hand sunk into my chest and squeezed my heart, shredding it into tiny pieces.

Eli carried me out of the room. My men then took me straight home where I curled into a ball and cried myself to sleep.

Talon cleared his throat in the mic and the room quieted.

“The usual ritual would be to have the reverend up here talkin’ about Richard. Only Rich didn’t want some stranger up here rambling on about some shit, about him and his life.” Talon turned his head to the reverend. “Sorry,” he muttered, bowing his head. The reverend smiled and nodded. “Richard had come to me a long time ago and said if anything happened to him, he wanted me up here talkin’ about him.” Talon smiled. “He also knew Nancy would hate it ‘cause of my slang. He wanted one last word in.” Mum snorted and shook her head as Talon smiled down at her.

“Richard Alexander was a good man. He was the best of the best and an honorary brother to the Hawks club.” Talon waited while the shouts, cheers and clapping from his biker brothers stopped. “He took care of his own with everythin’ he had. He loved his children with his whole heart. He’d be sad that he’s gone and won’t get to meet the rest of his grandkids, because his grandkids meant the world to him, like his own kids did. Richard will be missed by many people, but more by his family. The world won’t be the same without him.” He cleared his throat. “While we take a look at his past, let’s listen to one song that Rich enjoyed.” He nodded to someone, and the screen to the left of Talon started showing pictures of Dad. The speakers played “Bad to the Bone” by George Thorogood. People smiled, some laughed, but most cried.

Once the song ended, Mum kissed Maya on her head and stood, making her way up next to Talon. My eyes stayed on Maya, who also stood and moved in between Julian and Mattie. There she cuddled in. Zara smiled sadly at her and nodded, then placed her arm around Cody, whose whole body was shaking. Surprisingly, the twins were being good. Though, I guessed, in their own way, they knew the day wasn’t a good one.

Mum stood on the podium, wiped her tears and stepped up to the mic. “My husband, my pain in the backside, my...as Richard would have said, my better half has left this world. He’s left many wonderful memories.” She paused as her bottom lip wobbled and fresh tears showed in her eyes. I squeezed tightly on to my men’s hands. “Richard would want his children and our grandbabies to know...he would want you all to know that he’s not far from you. Even now I’m sure he’s looking down and telling me to stop my blubbering.” She smiled fondly. “However, he knew I was never capable of it. He didn’t care that I blubbered on about things. He just liked to tease, but all the teasing was out of love.” She took a deep breath and looked to the roof. “Richard Alexander, you wait for me. I will always love you. No man could compare to you. Ever.” After a shuddering breath, she finished with, “I love you, my one true love.”

I watched as Talon nodded to someone again and the speakers filled with Pink’s “True Love”. A giggle left my mouth and then it turned into a sob. I reached my hand out to my sister’s shoulder. Her hand came up to touch mine briefly as I watched her own shoulders shake with grief.

Over the screen, more pictures showed of Dad, only that time they were of him with his family, with his grandkids and children. Each one was like a knife to the heart because they showed how much of a great man he was and how much he would be missed.

How much it hurt that he was gone.

My knees came up to the seat and I curled my body into them. My chin resting on my knees as I cried and watched the pictures flashing across the screen. Coldness was overtaking my body. I couldn’t stop shaking. My men, my sweet men, knew what I was feeling and tried, with their arms at my back, rubbing some warmth into me. Only I knew it wouldn’t work.

Nothing would work.

My body was feeling the loss of my dad.

My brain was screaming at how unfair it all was.

And my heart ached like a piece of it had been torn away.

When Mum sat back down, I slowly reached out to her as she brought Cody into her side while he cried. Running a hand over her back, she looked to me and smiled sadly. I had to remember I wasn’t the only one feeling the way I was. I wasn’t the only one feeling his loss.

Caden and Eli moved. They stood. Eli was already in the aisle and Caden was stepping around me before I started to panic. No, I needed my men.

Caden leaned in, took my hand and whispered, “We’ll be with you soon.” He gestured with his head to Dad’s coffin where Talon, Blue, Griz, Killer and Stoke were already standing.

It was time for Dad to go.

He wished to be cremated.

Looking up to Caden, I nodded. He kissed my cheek and turned. As soon as he stepped out of the way, I felt someone take my hand, Mattie, and then someone was at my side. Nary. Before I left Ballarat, Nary and I had become fast friends. Having her beside me helped, but nothing could have prepared me for the next song or watching the men carry our dad out of the funeral home.

The speakers filled with Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men singing “One Sweet Day”.

I crumbled into my friend’s arms while holding my brother’s hand as we followed Dad’s casket out to the waiting car.

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